Speculation
“You can't really trust it.”
“Why not?”
Speculation is the act of ponderous thought about a subject or subjects. It often involves arbitrary abstractions and patently ridiculous conclusions, as practised by the father of modern speculation, Jerry Seinfeld, as well as conspiracy theorists everywhere. Throughout history, speculation repeatedly has led to anarchy, death and time-wasting. As such, all serious speculation has been repeatedly banned in favour of light-hearted, aimless banter.
History of speculation[edit | edit source]
Classical civilisation[edit | edit source]
“Try the 'nog, it's deadly good”
Speculation in ancient Greece is widely considered to be Socrates' fault. He invented the Socratic method of inquiry, by which he discussed with bewildered strangers, often on the street, the virtues and failings of man. The major failing of early speculation was Socrates' assumption that nobody knew anything except himself. Accordingly, when presented by members of Athens' government with a congratulatory mug of hemlock eggnog, Socrates promptly drank it. He speculated that in doing so he would discover a herbal source for the recent increase in double entendres.
With Socrates' death, the Athenians believed that they had curbed this dangerous rise in independent thought, but speculation quickly spread. Alexander the Great, whose every waking minute was plagued by wondering what Indians looked like, quickly took over the world. Rome too succumbed to speculation, largely due to Archimedes in the city of Syracuse. In flagrant disregard for state-approved bath-filling levels, Archimedes discovered that his body displaced a volume of water all over the floor. The city government attempted to prevent him speculating as to why with a slippery-tile-related serious brain injury, but news had already reached Rome and with it came an unprecedented age of speculatory intrigue. Nothing was as it seemed; accordingly, Rome's tyrants changed roughly every six days. Rome's eventual fall would come because, due to speculation, the Romans ran out of citizens to murder.
The word "maybe"[edit | edit source]
In 1752, after centuries of mindless servient autonomy in most nations, an Englishman called Samuel Johnson attempted to compile an authoritative dictionary of his language. However, in consulting the existing sources, Johnson noticed a curious lack of the seldom-used word "maybe". Puzzled but not discouraged, Johnson included the word "maybe" in the draft copy of his new dictionary, accompanied by a soaring sixteen-page description of the word that encouraged wider use. Unfortunately, the word also encouraged a sharp increase nationwide in speculation about all sorts of matters unfit for the peasantry, including cleanliness, health and shoes. This is the last recorded time that speculation was considered useful by anybody engaging in it. In consultation with King George, Johnson agreed to change the meaning of "maybe" in later editions of his dictionary to "maybe not".
20th century resurgence[edit | edit source]
“What's the deal with everything, anyway?”
In the mid-1980s, after a long period of global prosperity and corresponding nobody cares, a young New York "comic" named Jerry Seinfeld accidentally rediscovered speculation while eating a pork dumpling. An irritating internal monologue began inside Seinfeld's head: What's the deal with these dumplings? They're all dry. It's like they cooked them in an Easy-Bake oven. What's the deal with those Easy-Bake ovens, anyway? It's a lightbulb! I couldn't even make custard in that thing. And custard? Give me a break. It's like milk and gravy went to war... This nauseous banter, which was completely pointless and most importantly not funny, went on for several days inside Seinfeld's mind, until he realised that there is something wrong with everything. He decided to dedicate the rest of his life to excruciating speculation of the origins of, and purposes for, every single thing he ever encountered. In the process, he popularised the aimless discussions we call "speculation" back into the mainstream.
Modern speculation[edit | edit source]
To speculate today is to associate oneself with drug addicts, idiots and Fox News Channel. Speculators are commonly regarded as any person who has no idea what they are talking about. Accordingly, they are often out of the loop, and should generally be ignored at all cost. The exception is the doomsday speculator, who should be shot on sight.