~ Alex Light on the Dictionary“This was far less erotic than first promised”
~ Oscar Wilde, age 4“A reference which offers definitions to the words you were too uneducated to work out for yourself.”
~ Macquarie Dictionary on Dictionaries
A dictionary is a book full of useless meanings, first created by Samuel L. Johnson. Derived from the Latin 'dictio' meaning 'heavy book', dictionaries contain every known letter in the Universe, including 'Z'. Makers of dictionaries will often claim to leave out Made up Words, however since all words are made up, we know this to be a lie.
My teacher routinely tells me to make friends with the dictionary, but I think that I am ready to take the relationship to the next level, which is heavy petting.
English Definition of "Dicktionary"[edit | edit source]
A book made of screwed up words in which people randomly write "N, QES, and á". It shows no embarrassment in telling people the definition of porn and actually makes your brain feel stupid.
The Origin and Purpose of the Dicktionary[edit | edit source]
The dicktionary is a book for lazy people. It was invented way back in the days of yore when most words were just grunts. As most grunts were very difficult to distinguish from other grunts, and it was often unclear whether somebody was being conversational or was simply constipated or having rough sex, the dicktionary was necessary for aspiring speakers to determine the proper grunt to convey the desired meaning.
Because early vocabularies were rather small, the first dicktionaries were arbitrarily organised alphabetically (the lack of an alphabet was no hindrance for these plucky linguists) by grunt, as opposed to meaning, an oversight that has made it rather hard for modern speakers to find the word they're thinking of using a dictionary. Example [Guh, grr, ugah ugah!]
Though no prehistoric dicktionaries exist (Because if they did, the time period from whence they came wouldn't be prehistoric any more, now would it?) scientists have been able to reconstruct the probable content of an early dicktionary as follows. (It is interesting to note that these early dicktionaries consisted entirely of interjections, as it wasn't until 1250 B.C. that the Dutch philosopher Karl Dönitz invented the preposition, noun, verb, article, and adjective. The conjunction and adverb weren't invented until 503 B.C. when Alexander Fleming left a Petri dish of articles in his lab as he vacationed in Madagascar.)
Modern dicktionaries are used solely for underlining rude words. Other words are included to make the edition seem more respectable, rather than just a list of profanities. Other words commonly printed in dictionaries include, but are not limited to:
- Wet Wipes
Over the years, slang names have been used to both sum up and label the dictionary, these have, at different times included
- Mein Kampff
- The Hobbit
- Jeremy Clarkson's Motorworld
While much speculation exists as to the author of "The Dicktionary" and numerous studies have been (unsuccessfully) carried out into the matter, group polls have shown that 73.2% of the world's population believe that it had no athor, and was handed to Moses on Mt. Sinai, while a further 21% of people believe that it simply grew from the ground near Oxford, England.
Note: Nothing included in a dicktionary is true at all. It is all made up. The only way to spell a word correctly is to point a compass at the word and guess its spelling.
Etymology[edit | edit source]
The English word 'dictionary' derived from a Japanese phrase jihikushonari (字引く書なり), which literally means it is a book to look up characters in.
The word "dictionary" has no etymology because it was the first word and anyone how can have an etymology because it's about other words. Right?
Early Dictionary Entries[edit | edit source]
The following have been exhaustively translated directly from fossilised vocal cords by famous archaeologists who spoke no English; therefore, it is almost certain that these were their results:
- interj. Used to express pleasure.
- interj. Used to express pleasure. (outdated, archaic, rare)
- interj. Used to express displeasure. (rare)
- interj. Used to express displeasure at having one's leg torn off by a woolly mammoth.
- interj. Used to express displeasure at having one's genitals consumed by a proto-badger.
- interj. Used to express displeasure at being consumed by a Moa.
- interj. Used to express displeasure at consuming a Moa.
- interj. Used to express that today is "Talk like a Pirate Day", ye scallywags! Now swab the deck.
- interj. Put down my fucking beefsteak, you primeval white trash!
- interj. Put down my fucking beefsteak, you primeval multicolored trash! (added later to be seen as multicultural)
- interj. General-purpose insult.
- interj. Used to express insult to a so-called chef, and a warning about imminent nauseating mess to the waitstaff.
- interj. Used to express jealousy over a neighbour's larger cave.
- interj. Used to express surprise and distress over mammoth-skin pilling.
Eeep! £interj. A general exclamation of surprise. £interj. A shout by the male at the beginning of intercourse. Eureka!
- interj. A general exclamation of surprise. Typically used by scientifically-minded cavemen.
- n-interj. Used to express The Moose
- interj. Used to express sexual arousal.
- (Masculine form: I have a hard corndog in my loincloth!)
- (Feminine form: I need a hard corndog in my loincloth!)
- (Feline and canine form: I'm hungry too: Please cut up a corndog and feed it to me first! Ok, fine, I'll take chicken instead, just make it fresh, like you guys.)
- interj. Used to express the pleasure you get when you have a corndog in your loincloth.
- interj. An ancient term for Facepalm.
'Aplikantism.' noun. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Pick-up line for Mary Poppins.
The state or condition of being a COQC applicant who is obviously obsessed with completing the course - so obsessed that the person suffering from the condition constantly talks of all the joys he is experiencing. This condition is often sad since the person involved views pain as happiness and attempts to delude others into thinking that he is having the time of his life by continuously bragging and talking about COQC. Aplikantism does not include the officers, or any normal applicant that does not exhibit the above mentioned symptoms. Therefore, they must not care if they are not directly affected by this condition.
Proper Dictionary Usage and Technique[edit | edit source]
To get the most out of your dictionary, it is recommended that you follow a few simple rules. Make sure you have read thoroughly and understand all of these rules before attempting to use your new dictionary.
- Never open your dictionary in mixed company.
- Only open your dictionary with a firm idea of the desired word in mind.
- Do not shout, scream or yell at your dictionary.
- Never use your dictionary in the nude.
- If a rash occurs, discontinue use immediately and consult a physician.
- For ages 12 and under, consult a physician before using your dictionary.
- Consult the word 'Physician'
- Make sure you meet the minimal system requirements of 40 IQ or higher
- Do not pick your nose while using the dictionary.
- Do NOT look up the word 'Dictionary' in the dictionary, It will cause the universe to implode and also result in the multiple rebirth of godly beings that are a fusion of Bruce Lee, AND Frank Zappa.
- Do not cry into your Dictionary.
- If an erection occurs for more than 4 hours, see the word "Doctor" immediately.
Follow these simple rules, and hours of safe and fun will be at your fingertips!!!!