Facepalm

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 Hey! Dude, I need your help!!!  

 Okay, this is what is happening, can you guys help me please?  

 My parents are out of town on vacation... What's that look for?  

 ...and they won't be home for a couple weeks so I need your help.  

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 Don't just ignore me, I got a real problem here!  

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Background

 So, I've been dating my little sister's friend...  

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 Whatever. Her name is Jennifer and we've been going out for a while.  

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 We have a lot in common! Sometimes I help her with homework...  

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 I helped her with her English essay but she still got a D.  

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  I think the teacher is some kind of homo.  

What Happened

 Anyways, Jennifer came over about an hour ago...  

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 ...and I really wanted to lose my virginity, so I asked her if we could have sex.  

 'No, no we can't. It's not right,' she said.  

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 But I told her I knew what I was doing and not to worry. Are you listening to me?  

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 I told her it would only take a few seconds, so she said yes but only if I gave her two Nintendo DS games.  

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 So I gave her Laura Croft Tomb Raider and LEGO Star Wars II because that's what she wanted...  

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 ...and then she went into my room, and I told her to put on some mood music.  

In The Bedroom

 Then I thought to myself — I need lube now, right???  

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 Because I read on the internet somewhere that you need to lube up her clit or it will not fit inside!  

 Okay, so I had no lube — but I really wanted to lose my virginity!!!  

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 I grabbed some butter from the refrigerator, but it was cold and too hard!  

 Then I remembered something else I read on the internet.  

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HowTo:Melt Butter 

 Are you paying attention dude? This is important to me!  

 First I cut the butter into chunks. Do you know why?  

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 Because that increases the butter's surface area and helps it melt faster, duh.  

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 Then I put the butter in a microwave-safe dish and covered it with a paper towel.  

 My mom always yells at me when I forget to do that.  

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 I couldn't remember how long to heat it up for, so I figured two minutes would be plenty of time.  

HowTo  This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

 I remembered not to microwave the spoon this time, though.  

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 Sometimes I forget and the microwave blows up.  

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After That

 I put the melted butter in a turkey baster...  

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 ...and then squirted it up my girlfriend's vagina.  

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 Now she is crying in the bathroom saying I burned it!  

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 I'm serious, I'm freaking out!  

 So do you have any idea how I can shut her up?  

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 Will it help if I give her another Nintendo DS game?  

 Please help me, I don't know what to do!  

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 What am I going to tell my parents?  

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 I didn't even get to do it!!!  

See Also 

The magic Facepalm tarot card.

The Many Facepalms of Jean-Luc Picard 

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Emoji & Emoticons

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{{Facepalm}}

(-_Q)

Q-/

m-/

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