Nintendo Switch

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“It's a family friendly copy of a Steam Deck”

~ Hater About Everything
It was originally called the "Nintendo Swiss".

The Nintendo Switch: Second Wii U is Nintendo's newest console that was released in March 2017, at least that's what Nintendo wants you to think. It consists of a dog's face you can break apart, or not, if you don't wanna be a heartless bastard; also coming along is a useless deck thing that lets you play on the TV, but why would you when you can just keep playing in the car and ignore life? Unless you already don't have a life, in which you get ready your body and get ready to play complete copies of previous Wii U games but deluxe.

Assuming Nintendo hasn't learned a thing from their past failures, and from constant complaints from uncles who'd rather noscope a bunch of smash-talking 7-year-olds on Xbox Live than play a Nintendo Console, the Switch was a collaboration from Nintendo and the Organization of Joy-Cons. More on them later. Nintendo thought they could get away with this and divert everyone's attention with useless messages in a bottle (or pro controller).

Gimmicks[edit | edit source]

The dog as we know it.

To steam users, it's just a copy of a Steam Deck except it can also convert to your HD TV, unless you don't have one. Which would make sense considering you have no life.

The Switch can turn into smaller consoles called "Joy-Cons", Nintendo named this because some people could get "Joy" out of it, who knows how they came up with that, unless you have a dirty mind. "Joy-Cons" are like little Transformers in a cult that give you advice, such as:

“You are currently living!”

~ Joy-Con

“Press "X" to hear a joke!”

~ Joy-Con

DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE.

~ Joy-Con

Together, the Joy-Cons form together into the Nintendo Switch, which we all know is secretly a dog's head that was modeled after Reggie's imaginary friend, Rover from Microsoft Bob. However, Rover seemed to get a red, black and blue makeover. This, as everyone knows, is a subliminal message from Nintendo stating how America as a country is dying and desperately needs Pink Gold Peach DLC for Sm4sh Deluxe.

The next Gimmick is called Nintendo Switch Online, its a secret scam under the code of "online subscription" which steals your money, and gives you permission to use the internet, whereas other online subscriptions let you play free games.

The final gimmick is the games themselves, which are crappy, and overpriced, just because they are licensed by Nintendo, whereas those same games are cheaper on other consoles.

Mega-Rover[edit | edit source]

Due to Reggie's advice, combining two or more Nintendo Switches results in the creation of a Mega-Rover, a 10-foot high super-console that allows for the 4D experience of all of your favorite games, ranging from Tetris to Turbo Super Smash Bros All-Stars Battle Royale At The Olympic Games HD Remix & Knuckles Featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry Series. The console allows for VR compatibility as well as shameful cash-grabs, such as another Sonic game we over-hyped for.

More[edit | edit source]

It will kill us all with a bag of Doritoes.

Pros[edit | edit source]

Pro Controller.jpeg

This is the "pro" controller, it makes you a pro at wasting money.

Cons[edit | edit source]

Joy cons.jpeg

These "joy" cons bring Nintendo joy, because they are designed to break every 3 months, and you need to buy them by the pair even if one of them breaks!

Games for The System[edit | edit source]

1, 2, 3, I Need to Pee
Snapperclappers Barber's Shop
Super Mario Bros. 4
101 Spinies
Old Man Jenkin's Punch-Out!!
The Blinding of Isaac: Redeads
Cave Story: 11 Years Before Undertale
Minecraft Clone
Duck Game
Skyrim: Let's Do That Again
Farming Simulator
Farting Simulator
Flarping Simulator
Putin's Sleeping Experiment Simulator
Lego Minecraft
Minecraft: Nothing Like Minecraft Mode
Minecraft
Bad @ Cooking
Minecraft: Knight Mode
Skylanders: Spyro is Relevant
Another Sonic Game
Retro Sonic Game: Not a Fan Game
Splatoon 2: Splat Toon
Farming Simulator 2
Terraria: Eyes
World of Poo
Zombie Orthodontists
Switch Parental Controls Child Controls
The Legend of Zelda: Going Around With Yo L'il Sword
The Legend of Zelda: Too Much Water HD Deluxe
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Rule34 HD Deluxe
Banjo Kazooie: The Bad Threequel
Mario Kart 8 Deluxe
Mario Kart 9
Mario Kart: You Weren't Expecting an Original Title
Dragon Ball Z Kai Bukkake Ultimate Tentacleporn Burst Limit Advanced Adventure Xenoverse Metaverse Bitcoin XI
Super Mario 65
Snakes or Something
Shovel Knight: The Order with 5 Quarters
Hands
Mayo Mayo Tetrimino
No-Limbs Man: Chronicles
Blaster Master -1
Sloppily-Translated Weeb Game
Miniature Flame
WarioWare Shove It Up Yo Own Ass Game
Supra Mayro Odisi
Sup Ma Bros: i'm late
Super Mario 3 Dimensional World + Turtle's Anger

Online Service[edit | edit source]

A common sight for Nintendo Switch users as a result of Nintendo's diabolical plan to drive players into insanity.

Nintendo Switch Online is an online service designed to regulate overpopulation by causing players to commit suicide. The government of the United States commissioned Nintendo programmers to design a service so bad it would cause gamers worldwide to commit mass suicide through a combination of poor business descisions, a lackluster library of NES games, and a lack of dedicated servers.

“Fuck!”

~ A Nintendo gamer after being disconnected from a game for the seventieth time that day.

Oh, and it's a waste of 30ish dollars you could have spent on buying weed.