“It's a family friendly copy of a Steam Deck”
The Nintendo Switch: Second Wii U is Nintendo's newest console that was released in March 2017, at least that's what Nintendo wants you to think. It consists of a dog's face you can break apart, or not, if you don't wanna be a heartless bastard; also coming along is a useless deck thing that lets you play on the TV, but why would you when you can just keep playing in the car and ignore life? Unless you already don't have a life, in which you get ready your body and get ready to play complete copies of previous Wii U games but deluxe.
Assuming Nintendo hasn't learned a thing from their past failures, and from constant complaints from uncles who'd rather noscope a bunch of smash-talking 7-year-olds on Xbox Live than play a Nintendo Console, the Switch was a collaboration from Nintendo and the Organization of Joy-Cons. More on them later. Nintendo thought they could get away with this and divert everyone's attention with useless messages in a bottle (or pro controller).
Gimmicks[edit | edit source]
To steam users, it's just a copy of a Steam Deck except it can also convert to your HD TV, unless you don't have one. Which would make sense considering you have no life.
The Switch can turn into smaller consoles called "Joy-Cons", Nintendo named this because some people could get "Joy" out of it, who knows how they came up with that, unless you have a dirty mind. "Joy-Cons" are like little Transformers in a cult that give you advice, such as:
“You are currently living!”
“Press "X" to hear a joke!”
“DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE.”
Together, the Joy-Cons form together into the Nintendo Switch, which we all know is secretly a dog's head that was modeled after Reggie's imaginary friend, Rover from Microsoft Bob. However, Rover seemed to get a red, black and blue makeover. This, as everyone knows, is a subliminal message from Nintendo stating how America as a country is dying and desperately needs Pink Gold Peach DLC for Sm4sh Deluxe.
The next Gimmick is called Nintendo Switch Online, its a secret scam under the code of "online subscription" which steals your money, and gives you permission to use the internet, whereas other online subscriptions let you play free games.
The final gimmick is the games themselves, which are crappy, and overpriced, just because they are licensed by Nintendo, whereas those same games are cheaper on other consoles.
Mega-Rover[edit | edit source]
Due to Reggie's advice, combining two or more Nintendo Switches results in the creation of a Mega-Rover, a 10-foot high super-console that allows for the 4D experience of all of your favorite games, ranging from Tetris to Turbo Super Smash Bros All-Stars Battle Royale At The Olympic Games HD Remix & Knuckles Featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry Series. The console allows for VR compatibility as well as shameful cash-grabs, such as another Sonic game we over-hyped for.
More[edit | edit source]
It will kill us all with a bag of Doritoes.
Pros[edit | edit source]
This is the "pro" controller, it makes you a pro at wasting money.
Cons[edit | edit source]
These "joy" cons bring Nintendo joy, because they are designed to break every 3 months, and you need to buy them by the pair even if one of them breaks!
Games for The System[edit | edit source]
- 1, 2, 3, I Need to Pee
- Snapperclappers Barber's Shop
- Super Mario Bros. 4
- 101 Spinies
- Old Man Jenkin's Punch-Out!!
- The Blinding of Isaac: Redeads
- Cave Story: 11 Years Before Undertale
- Minecraft Clone
- Duck Game
- Skyrim: Let's Do That Again
- Farming Simulator
- Farting Simulator
- Flarping Simulator
- Putin's Sleeping Experiment Simulator
- Lego Minecraft
- Minecraft: Nothing Like Minecraft Mode
- Bad @ Cooking
- Minecraft: Knight Mode
- Skylanders: Spyro is Relevant
- Another Sonic Game
- Retro Sonic Game: Not a Fan Game
- Splatoon 2: Splat Toon
- Farming Simulator 2
- Terraria: Eyes
- World of Poo
- Zombie Orthodontists
- Switch Parental Controls Child Controls
- The Legend of Zelda: Going Around With Yo L'il Sword
- The Legend of Zelda: Too Much Water HD Deluxe
- The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Rule34 HD Deluxe
- Banjo Kazooie: The Bad Threequel
- Mario Kart 8 Deluxe
- Mario Kart 9
- Mario Kart: You Weren't Expecting an Original Title
- Dragon Ball Z Kai Bukkake Ultimate Tentacleporn Burst Limit Advanced Adventure Xenoverse Metaverse Bitcoin XI
- Super Mario 65
- Snakes or Something
- Shovel Knight: The Order with 5 Quarters
- Mayo Mayo Tetrimino
- No-Limbs Man: Chronicles
- Blaster Master -1
- Sloppily-Translated Weeb Game
- Miniature Flame
- WarioWare Shove It Up Yo Own Ass Game
- Supra Mayro Odisi
- Sup Ma Bros: i'm late
- Super Mario 3 Dimensional World + Turtle's Anger
Online Service[edit | edit source]
Nintendo Switch Online is an online service designed to regulate overpopulation by causing players to commit suicide. The government of the United States commissioned Nintendo programmers to design a service so bad it would cause gamers worldwide to commit mass suicide through a combination of poor business descisions, a lackluster library of NES games, and a lack of dedicated servers.
Oh, and it's a waste of 30ish dollars you could have spent on buying weed.