Dreamcast
| Sega Dreamcatcher | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Developer(s) | Sega Corporation |
| Publisher(s) | Raptor Jesus |
| Release date | January 21, 1822 BC (limited release), Major release Sometime in 1997, no one is quite sure as the Sega staff were out getting pissed. |
| Genre | Holy Relic |
| Platform(s) | Floating |
| Rating | Omnipotent |
| Would Johann Sebastian Bach play it? | While naked. |
“Does that mean putting "64" on the end of everything is no longer impressive?”
“Bite me sucka!”
The Sega Dreamcast was the final gaming system created by the Sega Corporation before the company had its tubes tied. It is widely considered the world's most holy game system due to the fact that it sacrificed itself for our sins.
History[edit | edit source]
The Dreamcast (also known as the living deadcast) was initially created as prophecised by an ancient rite that involved sticking a Katana into a Shark, tying some belts around it, then throwing it into a whirlpool. The result was born unto the world in a giant conch shell (hence the symbol) and praised by the gods of gaming as the king of consoles.
The console was claimed to be able to give sight to the blind, raise the dead (as zombies), skim across water and provide nourishment to gamers playing feverishly in basements. While it proved to be ineffective at most of these proclaimed miracles, the controller was useful for stoning heretics to death. It is believed that Martin Luther King found one whilst out in the wilderness and wrote his famous speech, sadly a coffee stain meant the 'cast' part was unreadable.
Back in Sega HQ in Japan, an underpaid sushi delivery boy finds the console under a pile of unsold SG-1000 games and it is hailed as the console that would make Sega profitable again, sadly he did delivery a bad batch of sushi that day and the marketing department would be sick for several years, their jobs being filed in by the cleaning ladies and the bloke that always looks like he's been smoking a few.
Hardware[edit | edit source]
Listed here are some of the many components made for the Dreamcast. Not shown here are: Plasma cannon, waffle maker, magic 8 ball, BORG automated defense system, twin quad-laser turrets, .5 hyperdrive system, self-destruct disk (amuse your friends and family!), lightsaber controller (actually just a lightsaber), controller-lightsaber (actually just a controller), and a Grue detector (will not actually protect against grues).
- Controller- The most sensual and bizarre game controller ever which reminds some of jesus. It's sheer size and smoothness have lead many to believe that the Dreamcast was created to appease the Gods (this has yet to be confirmed). There is a famous Holocaust story of 73 Jewish refugees hiding inside one of these controller's memory card slots.
It has long been considered a mystery why the cable comes out of the base of the controller, but the leading theory is that it is to enable the playing of games while upside-down.
We also can't ignore the uncanny resemblance this controller has with the original Xbox controller. According to a private data base found somewhere on the internet, the employees of Sega had also built a time machine during the making of the Dreamcast. They traveled to the year 2002 and watched in awe as the future of gaming was revealed to them. Unfortunately they thought it was the year 2222, so they modeled the Dreamcast controller with the same sleek design as the MAMMOTH Xbox controller had. With this genius plan they traveled back to their own time, believing that future knowledge of controller design will gain them billions of dollars. To prevent anyone else from competing with the company, Sega destroyed the time machine only to face their eventual demise and the forgotten knowledge of how the time machine was built.
“Set your phasers to stun!”
- Rumble pack- The Dreamcast rumble pack (known as a "Force Pack" to the Jedi community) is actually a re-engineered phaser stolen from the U.S.S Enterprise. While it is a seemingly harmless component, SEGA has issued statements citing a few "Kinks" (Most likely referring to the device's tendency to fire ionized beams of particle energy at random, disintegrating anyone or anything in its path (32 deaths and 40 scorched vaginas so far).
Memory card (VMU)- The Dreamcast memory card, or VMU for "Virtual Mind Usurper", is a mind-saving cerebral probe, cleverly disguised as an external memory unit. Once placed into a controller, the VMU will emit a soothing hum, lulling the convertee to sleep as the probe attaches itself to his or her brainstem. Since the discontinuation of the Dreamcast in 2001, the surviving VMU's have schismed and declared war against the church of the Purist Controllers.
Death[edit | edit source]
As soon as the gaming community figured out that any ISO image from a Dreamcast game could be burnt onto a 700MB CD-r, the low profit that Sega had been receiving instantly fell into the negatives. Every Dreamcast owner had stopped buying the legit games and only downloaded the bootlegs. (Except for the technologically retarded who still paid for the bootlegs). Even video game stores switched over to holding bootleg copies on the store shelves. It made buying a game for the Dreamcast extremely difficult as the box art was missing and every game title was poorly hand-written by a sharpy. Eventually lazy people would start abbreviating the game titles making it impossible to decipher. House of the Dead 2 became House 2, which then became H2. Sega soon realized that if they wanted to make any money at all they would have to burn images of their own games and re-distribute it to the public.
The Dreamcast eventually met its end when Tokyo suffered a terrible attack by Mecha Playzilla: the sentient Playstation production factory gone wild. The production lines for the Dreamcast, not to mention most of the remaining stock, had to be used in the construction of a giant robot that could be used to stop the evil Sony mechalizard's rampage of destruction. It was piloted by a small team of five Sega employees in coloured spandex. After an extended battle, Mecha Playzilla and the Dreamcast Super Attack Squad's own Mechazord dealt each other grievously fatal injuries and exploded. At the end, there wasn't enough left of the giant Dreamcast robot to return to the gaming industry... and thus Sega became the martyrs of gamer-kind. Sony's Mecha Playzilla however left behind an egg that hatched into the vile Playstation 2.