Martin Luther King, Jr.
“He could bring me to the promised land multiple times a night.”
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (January 15, 1929 – April 4, 1968) was an American church preacher, activist, and prominent leader in the African-American civil rights movement. His main legacy was to secure progress on civil rights in the United States, and for that he has become a human rights icon.
Now recognized as a martyr by two Christian churches and most American calendars, Dr. King, a Baptist minister, became a civil rights activist and an outspoken advocate of nonviolence early in his career when he led the 1955 Montgomery Bus Boycott. He then wrote books, co-founded the Southern Christian Leadership Conference in 1957 (serving as its first president), and helped inspire Nashville's students into a wave of activism in the early 1960s. King's prominence and SCLC's success in Birmingham soon led to the August 28, 1963 March on Washington, where Dr. King delivered his famous "I Have a Dream" speech. There, he raised public consciousness of the civil rights movement and established himself as one of the greatest orators in U.S. history.
He was also a major douche.
What?!
Oh, sure. I know I'm taking a big risk coming out against King. National hero and whatnot. I'm not a racist, but look at the facts. Dr. King was a major douche. The only reason he got away with it was because he "risked his life" standing up against "the man". It's bullshit. I'm not saying he didn't do some amazing things. I mean, the guy chaired the Montgomery Bus Boycott, putting dozens of hard-working white men out of work. And his "I Have a Dream" speech was nothing short of amazing — and I'm not usually impressed by people telling me about their boring dreams.
But have you ever had a nice respectable woman come out and say, "Oh, that Martin Luther King, Jr., he was a fantastic man. You should have seen the way he helped all the old women in town across the street"? No, you haven't. And do you know why? Because Martin Luther King, Jr. never helped any nice old women across the street. Instead these saints had to get across the street all on their own. I've even heard stories of how these angels-come-to-earth had to shoot wildly at King[1], just to feel safe. Does that sound like a man who should be honored in our country?[2]
But his life was dedicated to peacefully ending a horrible establishment in the United States!
Oh, sure, go ahead and be the voice of reason here. But you know what? There was just no reasoning with Martin Luther King, Jr. After his first public speech following the arrest of Rosa Parks,[3] King was heard to have then gone out to some of the local neighborhoods, and ding-dong ditched the shit out of them until well into 1 in the morning. Rang the doorbells and ran! What kind of person does that?
And that was just something he did as an adult. As a teen, King was nearly impossible to control.[4]. More than one of his high school teachers said that King refused to cover his face when he sneezed, often projecting a mixture of snot and spittle out a good 15 feet. Witnesses have also reported that one Halloween King was spotted egging and tee-peeing his neighbor's homes. And his best friend in 8th grade always talked about how King "never shared his toothbrush with nobody, even though he had the best one on the block." Oh, and of course there were all the times he beat his wife.
Hold on, hold on. It has been well documented that King and Coretta had a wonderful, loving relationship.
Oh, you thought I was talking about physically beating his wife... Haha, oh no. The man was truly a pacifist from the day he got beat up by a kid for trying to take his lunch money. No, I mean that he often beat his wife at Parcheesi[5].
...Parcheesi?
Oh my, yes. King was a renowned Parcheesi player during his time. In 1965 he was ranked eighth in the country by the National Association of American Competitive Parcheesi Players (NAACPP). The man was so smooth in getting his blockades set up, and his ability to get doublets from out of nowhere was legendary. But did he ever have the time to teach his wife how to play? No. He goes in, beats her three times in a row, and when she asks him to maybe teach her a trick or two, he's "busy" and has to "organize a rally," or "speak at a church." As if God would ever want to listen to the blasphemy coming out of this guy's mouth.[6] But his friends would later talk about how King would often come running over to their houses "Trying to escape the nag," then drink all of their beer, pass out on the couch until 3 in the morning when he would relieve himself on their coffee table, and stumble out onto the street. But no one ever says anything about that because he was so important to the cause. God, it makes me sick how no one ever stood up to King. Especially on all his hunts for booty.
Ah, yes. I have actually heard that King had a problem with infidelity.
What?! Really? Well, I'll have to look into that.[7] But I was actually talking about all of the times he forced his friends to go out and scour the beaches for buried treasure. Needless to say, no one had a good time. Especially when King got into full Pirate gear and started to speak with a pirate accent. And then there were all the times he went straight into Butt Pirate mode...
Oh, Geez... Just tell me about his famous "I Have a Dream" Speech.
Sure, who doesn't want to hear about that speech. "I have a dream" this and "I have a dream" that. Yes, he said some nice things to a few dozen[8] people. Of course, no one wants to talk about his actions after the speech, but the NAACPP have some pretty damning documentation of some of their members finding King naked, wrapped in a battered American Flag with a dead hooker, both of them smelling suspiciously like hashish and shaving cream. But will those documents ever come to light? No, because Martin Luther King, Jr. is like a damn demigod in America. No one has the balls like me to come out and talk about how big of a douche he was. And this is 42 years after his death!
Truly it was a sad day in America when King was assassinated.
"Assassinated", right.[9] Everyone knows that King got shot after he went on one of his renown pantie raids. The guy just broke into the wrong room that night, stealing the panties from one of the more respected women in town. When her father found Dr. King wearing her panties on top of his head, what was he supposed to do? The guy was just protecting his family from an invasion of privacy! Then he goes and gets vilified by most of the country, and King gets turned into a martyr[10] because the liberal lame stream media is too afraid to tell everyone the truth: that Martin Luther King, Jr. was a complete and total douche who really liked hat panties, and totally got what was coming to him.
... Dude. Seriously?
Oh, sure. Don't believe me. But let's have some (black) man break into your house one night, and steal your daughter's panties, and see what you do. Don't look at me that way. I'm not a racist. I just believe in the truth. And it's time someone came out with the truth. Martin Luther King is a douche. Get over it... Ow! Hey! Stop that!
See also
Footnotes
- ↑ He was probably trying to steal their purse or something.
- ↑ No.
- ↑ Don't even get me started about her. Everyone tells you about she refused to give up her seat in the front of the bus, in a stand against racism. But no one tells you of how the bus driver somehow stopped himself from back-slapping her right to the end of the bus himself. Instead, he just had her thrown in prison. Saint of a man, he was.
- ↑ ....Not that anyone was ever trying to control him or anything. No one would have done that. I mean, he refused a bribe of a million dollars to come out and tell black people to "just sit back and enjoy what you already have, and thank the nice policemen for keeping you in check." The guy was fucking unwavering on that for some reason. Me, I'd sell out for a million bucks before you could blink.
- ↑ And don't even say I need to get rid of this red link. The fact that we don't have an article on this is a travesty. Do you hear me? A travesty.
- ↑ Oh, sure, you never hear about the blasphemy in his speeches. Always got edited out by the liberal media later on. Let's just say that his self-given nickname "Jesus 2.0" somehow got lost in the sands of time.
- ↑ Mwahahaha
- ↑ Approximately.
- ↑ Ha, good one. An old wives tale if I ever heard one.
- ↑ Isn't it suspicious how the first five letters spell "Marty"?
