User:DeRaza360/Nintendo 3DS

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A black 3DS, because Nintendo aren't racist.

The 3DS is the current next-gen animal unleashed by the evil good Nintendo Corporation. It is the apparent 'successor' to the DSi, and it has capabilities that would baffle a PSP fanboy, and can display 3D visuals which can engulf your head causing you to die.

An example of the 3DS's 3Dness.

This wonderful piece of technology can produce a moving 3D picture in which you can interact with, somehow. The worst best part about the 3D is that you don't require glasses to see it, as long as you don't mind about not being able to see for the rest of your life. Not wearing glasses also avoids you being beaten up by bullies for wearing nerdy glasses in the first place. C'mon, what's more nerdier than wearing glasses specifically designed to look at digital screens with anyway?

Games[edit | edit source]

The CEOs of various publishers have presented a small library of games which show the bad potential of the animal, but not the capabilities. These games include (but may be limited to):

Face Raiders[edit | edit source]

The aim of this game is to commit suicide by shooting yourself in the face. You do this repeatedly until you get bored, which you always do. After which the amount of times you killed yourself is multiplied by 1,000 and adds towards a score which you can't share with your friends, if you have any.

Resident Evil Revelations[edit | edit source]

You're a loner chick stuck in the Titanic with a whole bunch of freaking zombies and crack addicts with guns. Because of your murderous antics you will have to exterminate everything that moves without consent to the mental scars you cause to the object's family and friends. Also, the game designers had purposely created a design flaw; you can't shoot, aim and move at the same time. This is so you will hate your already sucky life more causing you to kill yourself, for the benefit of the rest of the world.

Super Mario 3D Island[edit | edit source]

You play as an overweight plumber that can somehow jump 4 times his height and consume food simply by touching it. Your main objective is to go on a goomba slaughtering rampage while slowing progressing towards an 8-bit castle, so that you can get told "Sorry but the cake is a lie." You can also get high of magic mushrooms and ride on a dinosaur's back. This game has been rated 'G' by the ESRB which deems it perfectly safe for little children to play with it.

Super Street Fighter IV 3D Edition[edit | edit source]

SSFIV3DE gives you the ability to punch your friend's face in through their own 3DS screen via wireless communication. You also get to play with dolls.

The Legend of Zelda The Ocarina of Time 3D[edit | edit source]

In TLoZTOoT3D you play as this kid in gay green attire who you can name whatever you want. You can also travel in time; because the producers ran out of ideas long ago, you can go back in time to when the concepts were original. In the end you face off with a dragonfied Ganondorf and restore peace for an incredibly short time.

The previous section contained an obvious spoiler. If you didn't already play through the game on the Nintendo 63, then you have no right to say that this spoiler mattered enough to you to actually complain about it. If you, for some reason, believe that this has offended to you or your guinea pig then e-mail me at Don't call me, I'll call you.

Specifications[edit | edit source]

This is for all of you detail sucking nerds to get your electronic juices flowing.

Buttons[edit | edit source]

The 3DS features the minimum amount of buttons. These include:

  • A (the beginning of the alphabet)
  • B (the second letter of the alphabet, because it's not good enough to be the first)
  • C (U.P. is what I want to do)
  • X (not a rip off of Sony's PSP X button)
  • Y (exactly, why?)
  • Directional buttons (any angle you want baby.)
  • Shoulder buttons L & R (where the figmentive Nintendo angel and devil sit.)
  • A 2D stick (it slides)
  • HOME (E.T. goes)
  • START (living a life)
  • SELECT (better things to waste your time with)
  • POWER (I've got the power!)

Screens[edit | edit source]

This has not 1, not 1.5, but 2 whole low resolution screens which can almost display stuff at the same time. It is the only screen to send radioactive messages directly to your brain giving you the false impression of depth. Most of the action is meant to happen up there, but we all love going down there to get our sick joys from.

The bottom screen is touch sensitive, allow you to feel the machine and touch it's lower parts. It can't display mind numbing 3D because it sucks.

Cameras[edit | edit source]

This is the part that will blow your cock off, it takes 3D photos. By using a mixture of illusions and black magic, the 3DS can take a 2D image and blow it up to your face. There are 2 cameras on the outside, so when you smash the animal on the floor (when you can't get past the tutorial level in Animal Crossing) you might still have one camera working.

Game storage[edit | edit source]

As if you'd really care what the money sucking games are stored in. Well I'll tell you anyway.

They are stored in rectangular prism balloons called cartridges. These cartridges contain sharp metal pieces which you can use to cut yourself with or if you crush it up and inhale it, you can get high of it. There are golden connecters at the edge of the balloon which feel up the insides of your animal to send it's game faeces to the animal.

History[edit | edit source]

A virtual boy boy playing with himself.

At first, the 3DS was call the 'Nintendo Virtual Boy'. The animal could display up to 4 shades of red and would cause people to vomit, those fat losers needed to lose weight anyway. The animal was deemed 'impractical' by the general public. Some people tend to disagree. They quoted: Who wouldn't want to walk around in public with a massive red box on their face whilst thumbing with a small controller connected to a stringy wire?

This project was scraped, though the virtual boy somehow managed to escape the low security clutches of Nintendo and put itself on the shelves in stores almost worldwide. It failed to sell itself miserably.

For some reason the idiots at Nintendo still thought they could salvage something from this, so they sent one of their minions into the future to steal a 3DS from themselves and bring it back to the past. They then crammed the 3D magic from the 3DS into a GameBoy. Nintendo were displeased with the results, for none of their 'guinea pigs' had enjoyed massive black pixels flying into them. Nintendo decided to store the mutated animal inside every GameCube and not tell anyone about it.

Nintendo had then forgotten about 3D when they were making the DS, for they were testing the beta version of Doki Doki Majo Shinpan.

The mankeys at Nintendo then decided to inbreed the DSi with 3D, a camera and a stick just for fun. The 3DS was then brought into the cruel cold world.

Future[edit | edit source]

In the future Nintendo will send out consistently annoying updates that will make the animal vomit any illegal materials out and die. This is indeed bad news for cheapos who want to get all of their games for free and good news for money pinching Nintendo. Just to annoy the Nintendo scabs I will say 'You get an R4 of the internet, download backups and hazzah! Free games!' You didn't hear this from me though, comprede?

Reception[edit | edit source]

Nintendo had made sure that the 3DS was received widely among the world (including Finland), so they could control as many minds as possible. Nintendo also made it very pricey so that noobs who get allowances from their mommies wouldn't be able to afford it. "But then how are you meant to controls the minds of noobs?" you say, well you see, noobs don't have minds worth controlling, and they're annoying to have around. That settles that.

Irony[edit | edit source]

This article was made using a 3DS.