Animal Crossing: Wild World
“Take your time. I'm not penishark!”
“I swear, if you don't save, I'll freakin' murder you, bury you in a shallow grave with my silver shovel, dig your dead body up with my golden one, hit you over the head with my silver net, poke your eyes out with my fishing rod or golden slingshot, and murder you again with my silver axe. All while timing myself with one of those stopwatches!”
“Are you my mother? *cough cough* Can I have a hug, mom? Come back, mom! I want to kiss you!! *sneezes*”
“The gameplay is non-linear, but some objectives are very linear, often compared to walking down a tunnel or playing Final Fantasy X, with the end of the tunnel not coming for 666 in-game days. There is an online option, although people online are usually out to get you. The game is available on Nintendo DS, Nintendo 64 and Wii”
“It's tough to live the high life when your bank account's dry, quack! I recently was tricked into buying a quality sea bass by a high-powered traveling carpet-selling gypsy. Isn't fried cheese falafel ice cream broccoli the tastiest thing on a summer day? Hey, old dog, you owe me a favor! Could you help your good friend out by buying my sea bass for 11,673 Bells, quack?”
“What's yer name? Mhm. And yer Gender? Mhm. And yer favrit' color? Mhm. And yer future phone number? Mhm. And yer Credit Card Number? Alright. And yer Sexual Orientation? Mhm. And yer Future Address? Mhm. And Would You Unquestionably get into a car with someone who you've never met before?”
Although there are a few differences between the three versions, this article will mostly handle the DS Version.
| Animal Crossing | |
|---|---|
 "A tiny box, so many dark secrets… (DS)" | |
| Developer(s) | Nintendo |
| Release date | 2005 |
| Genre | Community Simulation, Furry Cosplay, Cartoon Harassment, Letter Composition, Gardening, Collect-A-Thon, Loan Repayment, Interior Design, Swine Flu |
| Platform(s) | Nintendo DS, Nintendo Gamecube, Nintendo Wii, but not the Nintendo 64* *-He's lying. There was a Nintendo 64 version, but only in Japan. |
| Rating | Mind-Numbingly Boring, But Strangely Addictive |
| Would Joe Walsh play it? | I'll play it until I catch all the fish and bugs, but then it's to the rubbish. I'll never pick up any incarnation of that insipid tedious game up ever again. Well, maybe for the hookers. |
Plot[edit | edit source]
The plot unfolds slowly, as the characters (animals) develop themselves and you gain their trust. Eventually, you can position yourself to either take them down, betray them and rule over them, eat them, and in some cases, sell them. Along the way, you are able to collect a vast number of furniture and clothing. Many of the pieces belong to a "theme" of some type, such as the "Erotic" or "Ninja" sets of furniture, or one can purchase full pirate regalia. Some of these have Feng Shui attributes, but most of them just look wicked cool. And extremely gay.
To activate the boss battle, there is a secret section in which you have to dance and beatbox your way to victory. It is a difficult mission, driving many to insanity. However, the boss battle is just one of the many, many alternate endings of the game. To find them all, you will have to play the game countless years. It has been debated whether or not it is actually worth spending such large amounts of time on a game about virtual expatiating mammals, and the consensus is that the point is very little, if existent at all.
Your Character[edit | edit source]
The game unfolds in Kapp'n's taxi where he is bringing you out to a city within Animal Crossing. There is an option in the game to give it your own nickname, and many players do. It is raining out, and Kapp'n grills you for some information, which he will later sell to one of the major players in the town. Your character develops as a cute axe murderer who kills animals by bitch slapping them with nets and of course, axes. Get rid of tree-huggers and everyone who gets in your way. (I'm looking at you, Nook.) This information also helps to determine how the in-game town will function, as well as the number of scars and other facial details that the character will have.
NOTE: In the GameCube & Wii versions, Rover the cat takes care of the interrogations. He promises he's not crazy, but with the way he's staring at you so intently, I dunno...
Moving In[edit | edit source]
The Taxi pulls up in front of the Town Hall, and Kapp'n drives off with all of your money and possessions, which he will pawn off for a cheap hit. You then are left to go into the Town hall and deal with Phyllis to make the report. From the moment you enter, and realize that she is a pelican speed-freak, and you are a human, you know that it's going to be a long day. She gives you the keys to your new home, and sends you off with a vague promise that the "Police are looking into it".
Tom Nook[edit | edit source]
Upon arriving to your home, you will find a tiny shack. A Raccoon Mafia Don approaches you and informs you that not only is this sub-standard cardboard box your home, but you now owe him money, and that he will send goons around to break your kneecaps should you not repay your mortgage in time. In order to lessen the overall debt, however, he offers to let you do a few chores for him; just this once (a ball- breaking job). He gives you a "uniform" and has you run "packages" to some of your neighbors, comforting you with the fact that he's "not some sort of scary loan shark". He also has you decorate the town, perform a simple hit, learn how to rob the bank, and introduce yourself to the neighbors. At the end of this tutorial, he announces that you still need to raise 19,000 Bells (the in-game currency) to pay off the house. If you fail to pay this debt, Nook will cement your feet and drop you in the river. He then proceeds to sell your house off to the highest bidder; your house has often become a bone of contention among the neighbors.Luckily for the player, Nook is the only evil racoon found in the game.
The HRA, really Nintendo's version of a homeowner's association, will inform you by certified mail that your house looks like crap and isn't up to code. Consequently, every time you approach financial independence, Nook will make you an offer you simply CAN'T refuse: You will be forced to upgrade your hovel until Nook's immigrant construction crew can no longer fathom a larger dwelling. It's a good idea to have an idea of what color you want your roof to be at this point. A very good idea. He owns the shop Nook's Cranny, which he magically finds the money to expand many times, even though it seems you are his only customer.
Your Neighbors[edit | edit source]
All over town, there are spaces where random furries, will move in. These neighbors will try to force their friendship on you, which will annoy the hell out of you, they will also try to simply give you Swine Flu. If you want them to become your slaves, get them to pick some cotton for you all the time. If you hate your neighbours, and want them dead, just whack them with your net and push them into 'convieniently' positioned pitfalls, or dig holes around them and separate them from society, until they somehow move away. They will give you errands to run, gifts for every time you move up the ranks, money, and they'll ask for certain items. If you're absent for several weeks or even days, however, your animal friends will become angry with you, and in short order, will start forgetting your name, face, and existence. Even the cat Rover who pats you down for weapons at the beginning of every day will routinely forget you. It's a sad and lonely world.
Swine Flu[edit | edit source]
Every now and then, your retarded neighbors will give you Swine Flu because they don't have the common decency (or intelligence) to cough or sneeze into a tissue. You'll need to equip yourself with lots of medicine bags and bottles of prescription Marijuana to cure them, and/or you, so they'll shut the fuck up about how they feel like they have non-existent bags of pudding on their heads. Then, you'll have to repeat such process for the next few days. God damn bags of chocolate pudding. God damn Swine Flu. God damn Stu and his god damn 4 AM Chocolate Pudding. God damn Gaston. I'm not your mama! Stop calling me mama! I don't want your Swine Flu!
Weapons and Tools[edit | edit source]
This is what people really want to read about: how to take control of the town! Nook sells a variety of tools in his store, all of which have basic, and more sinister purposes. The axe, useful for silencing enemies. The shovel, which can be used to bury bodies. The watering can, to be used for growing weed and, on occasion, drowning people (special code). The Glock, which is used to shoot down packages of drugs carried by balloons or messenger pigeons. The bug net, which is used to strangle your hoes. The timer, which is useful for knowing how long to allow for cement to dry, and finally the fishing rod, which can be used to, um, catch fish... The Bug Zapper, can be used when doing Wi-Fi. Basically, you get a friend to mail you one of their insects. You tell them that your are going to make it into a golden insect but your friend don't know that it's a trick. You get out your bug zapper and throw the bug inside. "ZZZAPPP!" The bug is dead. The next thing you do is turn the power button off so when you turn it on again, Resetti comes to give you a hassle. Well no worries anymore. You just simply throw the bug zapper at him. "ZZZZAPPPPP!!" No trouble. No worries because that stupid mole is... DEAD! You will never have to listen to his bullshit EVER AGAIN!
All of the tools, with the exception of the timer, can be upgraded to a "Golden" version, which will allow some mysterious new "functions". You will have to figure these out on your own, however, and they most certainly require purchase of an e-Reader.
The Endgame[edit | edit source]
The Resetti Life[edit | edit source]
After your second marriage with Blathers (the first having failed due to him restarting his incestuous relationship with astronomer Celeste after your first try together) , you should receive a letter from Resetti, inviting you over to tea with his wife, husband, boyfriend, ex-husband and baby girl, Resetta. When you arrive at the house, you will see Resetta flying at you with an axe. This knocks you out and sends you back to your house, like when you get bitten by a jumping tarantula or psychotic scorpion. The next day, you will receive another letter from Nook's mom, saying that the Resetti family have moved to another town and will be waiting, with new weapons, for you when you buy the Wii game. She will then take over Resetti's duties of yelling at you.
The Secret Ending Story[edit | edit source]
Animal Crossing's secret ending can only be unlocked after marrying Lyle / Insurance Salesman. Once you are happily settled in your new life, with only the occasional affair with Crazy Redd, it's time to fight Penny the Mouse for his love.
Penny can use every golden item in the game (including the beta version golden timer), and can summon Wisp, Resetti, and even Tom Nook. The Prima guide claims that her HP is 9001, which doesn't seem like much until you come to a dreadful revelation-her HP is multiplied by the entire amount of Sea Bass you have ever caught. The legendary 'kiddie' rock-o-matic guitar 5000, a golden axe, Ai, Resetti, and Nook's nephews as summons.
The only attack that can truly finish her off is a catapult shot which must be carefully aimed so it hits the flying silver magic present, floating in the sky between 5am and 4am, Sundays and Tuesdays, and bounces down hitting her in between the ears. Once you finish he off then the whole town explodes and everyone suficates and dies.
Critical Reception and Player Complaints[edit | edit source]
Animal Crossing DS sold at least 9000 copies during the first week after launch, making it the most successful sex toy ever. The unique ability for the game to switch between touch screen and button interfaces without any difference between the two was a breakthrough for the system.
Reviews of the game were fairly positive with Internet Site GameFakes giving it Lol, Furries out of a possible 10. Japanese magazine Famitsu gave it OMG FFXII out of Fanservice. On the opposite end of the spectrum, however, was magazine GameMisInformer, commenting that "Nintendo Sux" and "It needed more gangsters and hoes".
Buyers of the latest installment, Animal Crossing: City Folk, have very vocally complained about the rapid desertification of their towns. However, Nintendo refuses comment, asserting that running on the grass is completely illegal and to stop complaining about being bitch-slapped and arrested. They assert that in-game signs warn players to "rape, not ask" and villagers admonish you to "slow down and suck it". An uproar has developed among Animal Crossing fans demanding that Nintendo stop pushing its global warming and environmental preservation agenda upon the impatient young children, furries, and pedophiles who typically play the game. The game has still sold well, even though its just a wii version of the DS game, plus the city, which isn't really much of a city at all.
“Now doesn't the thought of it get your feathers all ruffled?”
Nevertheless, Animal Crossing's phenomenal sales among retards, preteen kids, and shut-ins has prompted Nintendo to announce the production of an Animal Crossing Hentai-Anime, which should be wildly successful among the now-slightly-more-mature audience who grew up with the series.