Nintendo Switch 2
“I'm buying the Switch 2 for those sexy naked images of Donkey Kong in the new Mario Kart!!!”
The Nintendo Switch 2: The End of the Wii U Trilogy is the newest—and perhaps least creatively-titled money-printing machine created by Nintendo, with analysts expecting that it will be the second most profitable money making machine in the whole entire world, only beaten by the famous A story built one word at a time. Much like the original Nintendo Switch, it was a video game console that uses two joysticks, and much like the original Nintendo Switch, has them drift all the time.
The Nintendo Switch 2 was officially revealed on January 16th, 2025, however everyone knew every single speck of what the Nintendo Switch 2 after CEO Miyamoto accidentally leaked all of the details while on the toilet. It was reported that he accidentally shit himself, and was running around the bathroom with his underwear visible.
History[edit | edit source]
Ever since Nintendo was profiting off of the success of the Nintendo Switch (and also killing the Wii U in the process...), Miyamoto was offered with a deal with the devil himself—Tim Cook. Tim offered to invest one duodecillion dollars into Nintendo stock[1] if Miyamoto could make a successful sequel to the Nintendo Switch. This move was seen as idiotic to everyone, and that's because it was very idiotic for Tim Cook to do this. Miyamoto accepted quickly, becoming a duodecillionare in the process, and began to send his unpaid Japanese labour to work on the Nintendo Switch 2.
During the summer of 2023, rumour spread of a new Nintendo Switch, one that was better, sexier, and hotter. It was unfortunate however that none of these rumours were made true, although people have tried to make the Nintendo Switch sexier with their own designs. Miyamoto, furious, quickly exploded their fan's designs. One person, furious, put it on the rooftop of their house, which his whole house would later be noted to cease and desist. The man is now homeless.
On January 16, 2025, the Nintendo Switch 2 was finally released. It received reviews from several parties, such as "BIG??? GREY??? DARK??? DONKEY KONG???" and "Eugh?" It's not like any of this mattered, however, because everyone already knew that yes, there was going to be a Nintendo Switch 2.
The console was initially expected to launch on September 11th, 2024, however, because Miyamoto was still shitting his pants, it was delayed towards 2025, where it was revealed that the Nintendo Switch 2 had no international release date, and instead, it would release in the United States on April 1st, to remind you how much of a fool you are for giving Nintendo more money. It would release later in other places in the world, like how in Japan, it would release on August 6th, 2025.
Software[edit | edit source]
Due to the Nintendo Switch 2 being Tim Cook's idea, it retains most of the same software as the Nintendo Switch, although it has 4 more 8K high-quality 48 megapixel cameras. Apple never changing. Please do, but also don't. Due to the Nintendo Switch 2 being practically the exact same thing as the Nintendo Switch, it still has constant joystick drift, hence why people mostly call them "dicksticks".
On the Nintendo Switch 2 Lite, although Nintendo promised for the Lite version to not have joystick drift, the drift was later re-added out of boredom.
Games[edit | edit source]
- Super Mario Maker 3
- Game Builder Garage 2: On The Back Alleyway
- Donkey Kong's Penis 2
- Mario Kart 20
- Pizza Tower (no sequels, just pizza tower)
- New New New Super New Mario Bros. U Deluxe Ultra Deluxe
- ...and many more!
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Tim Cook got that money mostly from Zimbabwean sweatshops.
