Pizza Tower
“Pizza Tower revolves around the Pizza Tower.”
“Did you know that Tomato is a fruit and a colour?”
Pizza Tower is the name of an Italian folklore story that revolves around -you guessed it- a Tower made of Pizza. It is unsure when the tale was written nor who wrote it; however, some researchers have placed its genesis during pre-Roman Italy. Many historians have critizised this, though, since everyone knows that pizza wouldn't be invented until 1895, in New York.
The Tale[edit | edit source]
The tale tells the story of a man named Peppino Spaguetti[1], who runs a little store called Peppino's Pizza. However, there's this giant sentient pizza named Pizza Face who wants to destroy Peppino's pizza store. So, Peppino must climb up the Tower of Pizza (Pizza Tower) and defeat Pizza Face.
Origins[edit | edit source]
As explained previously, not many know the exact origins of this particular tale. The most common theory suggests that it started as a theological myth surrounding a demon from the pastafarian religion, the Flying Pizza Monster, a blasphemous entity that tempted pastafarians into having an unhealthier, carbohydrate-less lifestyle. According to this theory, the real man behind Peppino Spaguetti was actually Captain Blackbeard, who tried to stop FPM to impose his machiavelic regime.
Impact on culture[edit | edit source]
This tale has had a notorious impact in the Italian culture. For example, in 2008, the Italians built the Tower of Pizza as a way to commemorate this century-ish-old tale. Nontheless, for a long period of time, this story didn't catch the same popularity outside of the country.
The Film[edit | edit source]
During the early 1950's, this story caught the atention of a young man named Walt Disney, who was starting to dip his toes in the animation industry. Disney wanted to tell a story like no other, a tale that no one had heard about before; and so, he chose "Pizza Tower" as his big project for western animation.
Despite Disney's efforts to make the greatest film of all time, the movie recieved bad ratings overall. Many American-Italians critizised the movie of being offensive, full of racist stereotypes, and even some called it a "cultural appropiation".
The Game[edit | edit source]
| Pizza Tower | |
|---|---|
| Developer(s) | Tour de Pizza |
| Publisher(s) | Tour de Pizza |
| Creator(s) | Tour de Pizza |
| Year of inception | 2018 |
| Release date | 2023 |
| Genre | Platforming |
| Rating | 🍍/10 |
| Spinoffs | Sugary Spire |
It wouldn't be until the late 1980's when this folklore story started to spark worldwide recognition. A small gaming company in Italy launched a video game inspired by this folklore tale, under the name of -you guessed it again- "Pizza Tower". It wouldn't be long before the game would achieve the status of "one of the best game ever made". "It brings back the feel of the Wario Land games", says one of the game's aficionados; "no lives, go quickly, et cetera. Pretty cool beans."
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
You are Peppino. Your goal is to try and climb up the Pizza Tower as fast as you can. There are, of course, enemies you have to dodge. The only real way to get a game over is by failing Pizza Time. You must also collect five toppins to get a good ranking. Murdering enemies also gets you points, which contributes to a good ranking.
Ranks[edit | edit source]
There are 5 ranks, ranging from D-S. There's not a sixth rank, right?
- D (is for dick) (Awful): Congratulations. You suck Ds.
- C (Bad): Hey, at least it's not a D!
- B (OK): Meh, it's not bad, but not good.
- A (Great): Nice job! I expect you to at least get this.
- S (Perfect-ish): This is not the best by far. You think you really did do well, but it's just an illusion.
- P (True Perfect): This is truly the best. You shattered that level. S is a lie. S is for sucks. P is for perfect.
Pizza Time[edit | edit source]
By far the key aspect that makes Pizza Tower, Pizza Time is where you must run back to the entrance in under 3 minutes. Well, that's on average. Sometimes it's four minutes long. Rarely five. This is what really gets you going. Time is ticking. It's now or never! I did not steal that from a Nintendo game! Do you have your toppins? Do you have your Gerome? Do you have yourself? Can you go for another lap? It's only 2 laps. Lap 2 is the only way to get a P rank.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Peppino[edit | edit source]
See Peppino.
Gustavo[edit | edit source]
Gustavo is Peppino's partner-in-crime. In order to move, he usually rides his pet brick named Rat. Many people appreciate Rat for his derpy appearance. Rat is a red-brown coloured brick, not to be confused with Brick the Rat from the spin-off Sugary Spire. It is unknown is Rat has a penis, but Uncyclopedians, known for their penises, claim there is indeed a dick on him.
Mr. Stick[edit | edit source]
Mr. Stick is a drawing of a stick figure known for nothing. So, we will skip over him. He does not play a major role in Pizza Tower; less than even Rat's 1mm dick. What we do know is that he wears tangerines all over his clothing. We do not know where he is from, but it is probably Germany or Austria.
Pros[edit | edit source]
- Wario Land
- Fast-paced
- He's the one, officer!
- I'm fucking ballin'!
- Very vibrant
- Mocks you if you do bad, but praises you if you do good
Cons[edit | edit source]
Reviews[edit | edit source]
There are many reviews, so we made an entire section for them.
“9/10. Feels a bit outdated compared to the other Triple-A games.”
“10/10. By far the best game I have seen.”
“6/10. My dementia makes me sometimes repeat moves. Tour de Pizza should fix this.”
“Truly one of the games of all time.”
“7/10. That 'Pizza Face' guy seems kind of suspicious.”
“U/Uu. Uuu uuu uuu, uuuuuu uuu Uuuuu Uuuuu.”
“We got Salmon on Uncyclopedia, but that's not enough! Put salmon on your pizzas! Force Tour de Pizza to add salmon as a topping!”
“We rate books.”
“6/10. My dementia makes me sometimes repeat moves. Tour de Pizza should fix this.”
The results seem pretty positive. The lowest rating is a 6/10, which is still over half!
See also[edit | edit source]
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Italians were never known for its originality when it came to naming characters