Roman Empire

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This article is about the original Roman Empire. For the New Adventures of the Roman Empire, see Byzantine Empire. For the 800AD re-imagining of the Roman Empire, see Holy Roman Empire.
Imperivm Romanvm
Roman Empire
Romulan Empire
Spqr.jpg Stfure.jpg
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto(s): Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum.

Carthago delenda est.

Anthem: "Gaul Along The Watchtower"
The Roman Empire at the time of its greatest extent. Notice the seven volcanoes just outside the Neutral Zone.
Capital Rome (later Ravenna and Constantinople)
Largest city Rome or Alexandria
Official languages Latin, Greek, The language of love
Government Democracy, later Monarchical Republic
Emperor Imperator Caesar Anyone Pius Felix Augustus
Legislative body Romulan Senate
National Heroes Romulus, Remus, Crapus, Gaius, Julius Cæsar, iClaudius, Homo Sexualis, Caligula, Spartacus, Nautius Maximus, Don Corleone, Johnius Stamosius, Liksalotapus, Biggus Dickus, Clitus, Attila the Hun, Gayus Marriedus
Currency Large blocks of salt and the original Euro
Area 86 million cubic light years (+/- 5 meters3)

Emperors: 0 to 4
Senators: 100
Patricians: 435
Plebes: 5,200,004
Dweebs: 317,937,315
Nerds: 16
MC's: 3
Black people: 1 (token)
DJ's: 1
Crapers: 1
Dumpasses: 200,000,000

National bird, the penis eagle Two-headed mutant eagle
National religion, cockanese Paganism; later Jesus

The Roman Empire is fucking badass, it was one of the most powerful empires in the world second only to the greater Egyptian Empire (although some historians prefer the Otter Man Empire due to its glorious union of man and watery beast), and is also known as the penis capital of the world until it was brought down by sexual deviants and the counted barbarians who attacked Rome repeatedly because they were fucked up beasts who had no intelligence of the importance Rome was to the entire world. Rome was given its name when Scooby Doo tried to say "home". Rome was the only glory and light of the world apart from Uruguay, having built the most magnificent structures, temples and buildings on the massive scale. Romans invented concrete and the government ideology that democratic processes are used to elect the people who control the empire or country at question. Without the Roman Empire, the world would be an utterly boring place to live today. 100% of Southern Europeans are known to contain the same blood as the Romans did during the time of Jesus.[1] Only the Roman empire is more fucked up than Japan.

How Rome was built (in a day) by the Romans[edit | edit source]

For a totally biased opposing view on how Rome was built by the Romans, see Ancient Rome.

There were these ancient Romans wandering around in Italy, I think, or was it Australia? Who cares, it was ancient times and they didn't have anything better to do, so they built a great big city atop seven volcanoes or something like that and named it "Rome" (a shorter version of the word Roman). The entire construction process took place during the night and took a total of 9 hours and 45 minutes (with a fifteen-minute lunch break) – hence the saying "Rome wasn't built in a day". However, little is known on how the great volcanoes once blew their tops and made the city rise up into the heavens and come down again. It was said to be set off by a man named Fartolemu, after eating many beans. This created the popular tea time quote of "Beans, beans, the more you eat the more you fart". Only after the great heart-wrenching was the line "good for your heart" falsely included.

The Roman Empire was started by 151 leaders. Alexia Gay, Truabia Abnormal, Goldust Having-Erection and Motheir Fuckair are just a few and are the only ones mentioned in this. As the growing threat from Syracuse increased, these four leaders devised a new plan to unite their people together under one common banner. But they would need to built a fortified town first that could shelter them from hostile invaders. Therefore, they went to the nearby quarry and shouted "Fuck you Syracuse, we, the people of Itaromaly will have our vengeance!" And so, the ground shook and boulders began tumbling from the mountain tops. Those boulders assembled to form a gigantic wall, about three meters high. So those four leaders led their people to settle within these great walls. As time passed, the settlement also flourished. Gold coins poured into their treasury. And so they named this city Rome, capital of the seven hills. The four leaders soon fought amongst each other over the control of power. In the end, all four of them died, but who cares they were noobs! And so a new leader was elected, Mario Burosu. Mario told great lies, saying that the Syracusians murdered their great four leaders, including the founding father of Rome, and that we must avenge their death. So Mario amassed a huge infantry and besieged the bloody town of Syracuse. Mario died during the siege, but his successor Coweatshit Barca managed to break through the Syracusians' defense and raze the city to the ground.

The Legions[edit | edit source]

The Legion was divided into three lines: Hastatii, Principes and Trarii. The only legionary to have a book written about himself, even though not of officer class was Asterix the Legionary.

The first rulers[edit | edit source]

Like in all history, there are rulers that you can't measure with. This is true for the first rulers of Rome. First there was Sabolster the Infinite. She was the ruler who discovered infinity when she tried to talk for an infinite amount of time. She turned purple and fell into a well. Next, there was Colossal the Wassel. After two years of ruling she ate 5,000,000 crabby patties. She then sunk into the earth, ended up in China and floated up into the sky. She is still up there and she causes solar eclipses with her body. Coincidentally, this is where the phrase "You'll dig to China" came from. Then, there were the three Vella brothers. The first two don't count but the third named Vinnie always said "Come On" pronounced "Kem En". He once said this to Red The Merciless and so Red badmintoned him to death. There was Grube the Boob who suffered the same fate as Colossal. Finally, there was The Great Ernzo who once smashed a camera with his face. He looked in a mirror one day and killed himself. This became known as the first accidental suicide. There were of course good rulers like ruler Jamisis Perkisis who killed three of the most savage people in Roman history. First, there was Donald the Duck and his dreaded kilculator, Attila the Nun (nicknamed "SPG") and her dreaded armpit hair, and finally the dreaded Kasandras the Viking and her dreaded army of L. Laboses. However, there was none more horrible than the dreaded EssPeeEss who gave Perkisis a paper cut then hit him with the kilculator. After he died, EssPeeEss converted the Romans into a people of morality and good manners. They were neat, tidy and clean. The entire foundation of Rome would have foundered had BB Cough not intervened with her dreaded State Fair. She was the ruler when Caesar attacked. She was nearly defeated by the underground operations of Augustus Sipis. What happened to him is still a mystery.

Oh, and then there was this "republic" thing, where the kings got bored and were like, "You dudes rule yourselves."

Roman inventions[edit | edit source]

The Romans were the innovators of the 1st century AD, and were known for inventing a large variety of things. From a language to weapons to board games, it seemed the Romans were leaving the other races behind in the dust. Some typical and famous Roman inventions include:

The salad[edit | edit source]

Named after their great leader, who suffered from greed of food and power, invented a meal which tasted like crap and had little energy in it. The Caesar Salad was the beginning of a new trend, where people could sacrifice the choice to eat very tasty but unhealthy food and die young, or eat healthy stuff with no taste or energy and live to a very old (but rather boring) age. McDonald's borrowed Caesar's great innovation and deep fried salads, which happened to still be enough for the Health Department, who granted it a tick of approval for the word salad.

The square shield[edit | edit source]

Back in 900 BC, the Roman troops had round shields like most normal people back in those times, yet as pizza was becoming increasingly more delicious, and newer and bland food nobody likes (called salads) were invented, there was a record number of 29 cases of a soldier suffering from teeth and jaw pain after taking a bite out of a shield thinking that it was a mozzarella pizza. This led to production of square shields so that the soldiers weren't fighting with shields with bite holes in them, while cursing at their mate who just "bit a hole into my protector!"

The short sword[edit | edit source]

The Romans suffered from poor mentality and confidence when their swords were bigger than their own dicks, so to make themselves feel better, they carried short swords (or Gladius Stabbers) which were the same size as their actual penises. The average length of these swords was 2 inches (5 cm) in most situations, and about 8 inches (20 cm) while they were watching the emperor's wife give an "inspirational" speech to the troops before the battle. There were some cases where a 20-inch one appeared before authorities could measure it against an actual ruler (e.g. Augustus) and confiscate the weapon.

The Roman candle[edit | edit source]

As the Roman Empire reached its peak, Rome was crammed with food from all over the known world. Many Romans gained weight due to this large increase in food and one day the sun was blocked by their fat arses. To combat this, Malaysian dwarves were drafted in to free the city. However, the dwarves were currently engaged in an arduous battle with the noodle peoples, aided by their close allies, the Netto shelf stackers, and had to be bribed away from this war using Stilton cheese and cheap, freshly shaven hookers. After many months debating on how to solve the problem (and tiffin with the hookers) the dwarves invented the Roman Candle. To be honest, it was just a normal candle but with a different name. The light from these candles saved the city and allowed more time for tiffin.

Caesar gets greedy[edit | edit source]

So anyhow, these ancient Romans in Rome, after 700-odd years of deliberating, decided to pick an emperor so they could have an empire already. Well the first rulers of the area were dumbasses. Then there was Julius Caesar, but he doesn't really count because he wasn't really an emperor, but was, in fact, a dictator because he crossed the Rubicon when nobody was looking to play some dice, and the citizens of Rome were really pissed off about that saying, "Who the heck does Caesar think he is, a dictator or something?" He had epilepsy, on the other hand. He is best remembered for his delicious salad and for the famous saying "I came, I saw, I conquered". Although less remembered by historians today, since the texts were partially lost due to some big fire or something. It was promptly cut off to "I came".

Caesar then invaded Gaul and killed four billion Gauls all by himself and his centurions killed another six billion Gauls and enslaved five billion other Gauls, but the rest of them (at least three zillion Gauls) hid in a big tree and eventually grew within the tree. Caesar then returned home to Rome, being extremely careful not to cross the Rubicon this time, because he had already crossed it once already, as historical records will attest. Caesar then proceeded to annoy everybody in Rome about how amazingly l33t he was, so a bunch of annoyed Romans held a big conspiracy theory in a toilet behind a theatre, and they decided right then and there to kill Caesar after pledging eternal allegiance at each other. After those odd rulers, the infamous Mellon came to power. Mellon was known for his ability to suck a cock from forty miles away. He thought he was a great ruler but he was only good at sucking cock and taking it up the butt. He famously said, "Give me cock and I'll suck it, give me cock and I'll take it, but give me pussy and I'll run away."

"Caesar" is hard to spell[edit | edit source]

Also notice that the contributors to this excellent article knew how to spell "Caesar" correctly, unlike many ignorant clods' being churned out by today's defective education system, which comes only after years of hard study in college, where you have to know how to spell "Caesar". Unless, of course, you're one of those pedants who insists on using the fancy a-and-e-joined-together-thingy, in which case get a life you motherfucker. Okay, where was I?

The Triumvirate is born[edit | edit source]

Now, these Roman guys were so upset that they paid hired goons to shoot Caesar, whose last words were Et tu BruteItalian (or maybe Latin) for "Idiots, I told you like V times already that I didn't want mayonnaise on my salad. Now, make it again! Oh crap, I believe I've just been shot through the lungs like, say, XLVII times, or something." Instead of using the accusative third person singular, he made the grandiose mistake of using the laxative case, which also made him prone to diarrhea.

Soon after Caesar realized that these were, in fact, his last words, he died already, which was vaguely appropriate, seeing as he was still wondering whether he should have used the accusative case or the laxative case. So, Caesar's former associates Cassius the Drama Queen (who was so small he couldn't be seen by the naked eye); Brutus the Pontifex Maximus of the GerManicus fandom; Mark Antony; and King Cleopatra who was actually a man with an eye patch; later formed what is known as a "Triumvirate", which is not a declension and means "rule by four power-hungry iguanas". Unfortunately, my Latin (or Greek) isn't so good (despite my impressive college education), so I don't know if iguanas have anything to do with this.

And then these four Triumvirates had a really big argument, and it got so bad that they all killed each other.

Augustus confuses the hell out of everybody[edit | edit source]

Then, when nobody was looking, this guy called Octavian declared himself Emperor, but this was okay by the ancient Romans because, unlike Julius Caesar, Octavian changed his name to Augustus, which confused the heck out of everybody. Augustus then tried to invade France, or maybe it was Spain, or perhaps nothing, since neither of those countries actually existed way back then. They were both called Gaul, which was divided into three parts at the time for some reason, but nobody knows what the third part was supposed to be because France and Spain are already accounted for (but my personal theory is that the third part eventually became Luxembourg). Augustus remained in power for about a billion years and then died from Ebola and got a whole month named after him.

How James T. Kirk got his middle name[edit | edit source]

Then there was Tiberius, a bitter old man who liked to listen to Michaelus Jacksonus, molest little boys, and swim in his private pool with some little boys he liked to call "my little fishies". He went abroad in search of his long lost children, who were stolen in infancy by pirates. However, he got tired of searching, so he retired to Crete and left his number one hired goon Sejanus in charge of Rome. Bad move.

Sejanus, who wasn't really an emperor[edit | edit source]

Sejanus was quickly dispatched or something, just like Julius Caesar, because he went mad after stumbling upon Al Gore giving a rant about global warming. The drone of Gore's voice caused the brain circuits in Sejanus's head to warm on a global scale, thus causing him to become a blood-sucking liberal terrorist, so George Bush nuked him. (Actually, they just pushed Sejanus down the steps.)

Tiberius gets a brilliant idea[edit | edit source]

So, Tiberius adopted his semi-grandnephew Caligula, which is Latin (or Italian) for "murderously insane inhuman monster wearing cute little booties". So it was safe for Tiberius to die already, having left Rome in good hands. But not before reaping his "little fishies".

Caligula goes overboard[edit | edit source]

Dude, you can't give a horse political office!

Caligula became Emperor, and everybody was like "OH SNAP!!!" because Caligula did all kinds of crazy things; like, for example, he declared himself a god; refused to honor his commitment to the Columbia House LP club after he sent in the penny taped to the postcard and got the Allman Brothers' Eat A Peach and Cheap Trick's Live At Buddokan; tried to kill his younger brother and himself; talked to statues; invaded the United Kingdom; butchered his pregnant wife; made his horse Vice Emperor; voted for George W. Bush twice; wrote the unfunny plagiarism article for Uncyclopedia; and other unbelievable stuff. He was later diagnosed with Caligula Syndrome, and thus was forced to ride the handicapped chariot (retard chariot) to the forum.

Fortunately, Caligula was eventually shot through the lungs billions and billions of times by 47 independently-acting disgruntled assassins simultaneously. What are the odds of that?

A return to normality[edit | edit source]

The next Emperor was some guy named Claudius Furius Horsa, who was born with a limp, hid behind a curtain because he was scared for his life, and had a speech impediment. Anyhow, he turned out to be a fine Emperor, even if he was a tad boring and was infamous for his bestiality and crossdressing, so Rome collectively breathed much easier. Then Claudius's wife suddenly decided to hate him. She fed him a poisoned shroom, so he died.

Caligula Lite[edit | edit source]

Nero, who never even saw a DVD

Then Nero the Antichrist became emperor in a much contested re-count that was finally settled by a notorious game of tic-tac-toe. Nero did all kinds of loony things as well, probably because he was insane and, possibly the Antichrist, though this claim is hotly debated.[2]

Nero was not quite as bad as Caligula, but he still managed make a name for himself in the competitive field of professional eeeeevil. He threw innocent lions to ravenous Christians in Are You Hungry Enough To Eat A Barbary Lion?, the first reality television show; he set fire to his costly fiddle and played a tuba while it burned; he executed every surviving member of his family and every official in his administration because he thought it was funny. It actually was kind of funny, since he'd previously promised them he'd not execute them until the end of his reign.

Then Nero executed himself as a performance art piece.

Year of the Four Emperors and the Flava Flavian Emperors[edit | edit source]

Having got bored of having only one Emperor, the Romans decided it'd be more fun to have four of them, but unfortunately due to a particularly serious bout of putsch (a disease particularly fatal to Emperors), only one survived to the end of the year: Vespasian. He decided it'd be a good idea to use the huge amounts of Roman cash to start on a massive building spree; so began the construction of the Colosseum, a new forum (created PHP version I.II), and Mount Vesuvius (an early Roman space pad). After ten years without much excessive killing, he died of boredom, and there was much rejoicing amongst the Romans as they hoped his son would be more interesting and bloodthirsty. Titus (hehehe TIT-us) wasn't sufficiently bloodthirsty, but a pyromaniac, causing another fire in Rome, and setting off Mt Vesuvius a few weeks too early; scuttling the Roman plans for space domination. He ruled for only two years and died after setting fire to his toga. Domitian (Latin for Domino), was the evil younger brother of Titus, and managed to finish the Colosseum, destroy the Roman economy, and marry his niece. He was completely paranoid, and decided that it was better to be paranoid with good reason than not, and so set about making enemies. He started killing people suspected of conspiracies; giving his wife, the Senate, and his bodyguards the idea of one. He was correspondingly stabbed to death by Stephanus, who managed only a paltry seven blows. This led to his being booed off the pitch by angry assassination fans, and much groaning about the corrupted institution of assassination to this day.

Nerva takes charge[edit | edit source]

Who's this old guy?

Domitian was replaced by a doddery old man called Nerva who got his name because he had a nerve! Nerva was too old to do very much but what he did do pissed off the Praetorian Guard who promptly stormed his palace and told the emperor to his face that, by Jupiter, he had a nerve! Nerva didn't care but he did adopt a well-oiled and muscly man called Trajan to be his heir which pleased the Praetorian guard because they were all gay like most soldiers of the period. Thanks to the popularity of Trajan's tight buns Nerva was allowed to finish his reign in peace, eventually dying of old age in 98AD. After his death Trajan accepted the imperial power from the senate and agreed with them that his predecessor should be declared a god. This led to the voices of the gods booming into the senate chamber to tell the senators that they had a nerve! This is thought to be the only time the gods make a joke in the senate chamber.

Trajan sorts it out: the adoptive emperors[edit | edit source]

"Trajan's gonna knock you out! Mama said knock you out!" (then shag you)
Young haggii, in the wild

Not only was Trajan a fine figure of a man, he also broke with recent tradition in the empire by ruling for well over a decade and continuing Nerva's policy of choosing emperors by adoption rather than passing the most powerful office in the known world onto your insane next of kin. He was succeeded by Hadrian, another gay man who distinguished himself by having a beard and therefore being a bear. This bearded fellow is best remembered for building a wall in Britain to keep the haggis-guzzling Caledonians at bay. Hadrian adopted another big bearded man to replace him called Antoninus Pius who foolishly invaded Scotland because of his lust for haggis. Despite some success in procuring haggis, irn bru and deep-fried Mars Bars for the Roman world the occupation was abandoned by Antoninus's bearded follow-up Marcus Aurelius. Marcus was a scholarly man who divided his time between reading philosophical works such as Reflections on That Joke the Gods Did About Nerva and fighting Germans. He co-ruled with another emperor called Lucius Verus but no one really cares about him (he had a beard which shouldn't surprise anyone). Because Marcus was a wise and learned ruler he decided that he should be succeeded by his vain, stupid and insane son Commodus. Nice one, Marcus.

Commodus[edit | edit source]

Following his father's death and his own accession to the imperial office, Commodus returned to Rome from the German frontier and hid himself away in his palace surrounded by whores and other important officials, drinking wine and engaging in squelchy-sex. The people of Rome became sick of their overly-shy emperor and demanded he come out and play. They asked for it, the stupid cunts, he came out into the sunshine, started naming the days of the week after himself, renamed Rome as "Commodusisfuckingawesomepolis" following a small fire at a pudding shop which he argued had "destroyed the old city" and started dressing-up as Hercules and picking fights with senators in the Colosseum. This was too much for the Roman aristocracy who conspired to have him killed until dead. They crafted a plan to piss off Russell Crowe, and so have him do it. He said he liked eating grass and so licking grass was the last thing he did.

A transsexual teenager becomes emperor of Rome[edit | edit source]

One gender-confused individual from Syria called Elagabalus who was in his/her hormone-soaked adolescence wound up, for some reason, becoming Emperor of Rome. (The process of determining the next emperor usually consisted of contacting the last emperor when drunk and bonking him on the head to see what he says next, which is how this happened at all.) Elagabalus then proceeded to throw wild night parties in the Imperial Palace and ignore his/her mom. Meanwhile, he/she had sex with a lot of women and gay men and asked for a vagina. Really. In addition, Elagabalus worshipped a rock, and he decided that it was a good idea to make Romans worship that rock, too. Being polytheistic idolators, Romans normally wouldn't have a problem with this, but the rock thing was a bit on the nutty side even for them. So the Romans got a caveman to bonk him over the head so they could have someone who was less of a party dude as an emperor.

Gibbon writes a bestseller[edit | edit source]

Then there was a whole bunch of other Emperors nobody really cares about; the Roman Empire fell; and some guy named Edward Gibbon wrote a book about it. The end.

Stop hand.png You think this is funny, numbskull?
Moe Howard.jpg
Whoever wrote this lame-brained piece of
garbage oughtta get a toupee with some brains in it!
Now, get to work and rewrite it before I rip out
your tonsils and tie it around your neck for a bowtie!

The Fall[edit | edit source]

Chapter 1: The End[edit | edit source]

Senators, not giving a shit

One day the Roman Empire began to decline. The Emperor Diocletian, divided it up into four pieces which he handed over to four of his best friends called "The Terarchy" and promptly retired to grow cabbages. This weakened the state even further and when the Tetrarchy paid Diocletian a visit to ask how to stop fighting each other he told them to go away because he was minding his cabbages. And then there were a lot more civil wars. And famine. And disease. And Christians. And Attila the Hun who got his ass kicked by Flavius Aetius. And tax lawyers. And general WTF-ness running chaos throughout the empire. And the Romans forgot how to conjugate their Latin verbs properly, which annoyed their seventh-period teachers.

Chapter 2: The Next Chapter[edit | edit source]

This is one of the darkest chapters of the Fall of the Roman Empire, literally as there was no moon that night and the power was out for several hours. All the Romans ran around like crazy and screamed, "We've fallen, we've fallen, we've fallen to barbarians! Except for the Greek eastern part of the Empire!"

Chapter 3: The Byzantine Empire Strikes Back[edit | edit source]

So like, there was this guy named Justinian. And he had a hot mama of a wife. They rigged some races, and almost got killed, but they were alright. So then, the Persians came and said, "Hey." Then the Muslims came and were like, "Woah." Then the Christian Crusaders came and said, "Man." But then the Muslims said, "Nuh uh." Then someone forgot to lock a door.

For a fuller explanation, see Byzantine Empire.

Another theory[edit | edit source]

Another scientific theory proclaims that the fall of the Roman Empire was due to the Roman numeral system. Without a zero ancient Roman programmers had no way of successfully terminating their C programs. This led to massive memory leakage, which caused the fall.

Accomplishments[edit | edit source]

The Roman empire is quite famous[3] for its relatively advanced technology even though most of it originated in Greece, which the Romans conquered.[4]

The Romans' one achievement not borrowed from the Greeks was the brilliant idea of having blithering maniacs rule the country. This was later expanded upon by medieval Europeans, who began a program of systematically inbreeding their royalty. This led to many modern-day benefits, such as hemophilia and frequent insanity.

See also[edit | edit source]

References[edit | edit source]

  1. Calculations done by the same organisation that determines that the number of people who watch World Cup soccer is higher than the population of the world.
  2. See Alan Alda's The Number of the Beast Reconsidered.
  3. "Oh, that? Um ... mine. Yep. Made it all by myself."
  4. The Romans perfected the legion, which – entirely by coincidence – resembles the Greek phalanx.