Heck

Heck (officially Heck, Where Wings Take Dream) is the name of a series of theme parks first opened in 1914 designed to provide a positive experience for sinners. The first theme park was opened in Georgia, USA by Daniel Westbrook. There are now four locations across the world: Georgia, USA; Birmingham, England; Ontario, Canada and Paris, France.

Heck is often confused with Hell. Heck is actually a subsidiary of Hell, and was designed after a similar aesthetic.

History

As we all know, Heck is based on a real imaginary place. Maps to Heck do not exist but the great cartographer U.R. Heer suggests one can get there by saturating their clothes with garlic, taking the Styx Ferry and jumping overboard, drowning, and allowing themself to be dragged ashore by man-eating alligators. The ones that like garlic come from Heck.

In 1913, the garlic vending tycoon and Baptist minister Fred Felps dug himself out of his own grave 3 days after his funeral, possessed by zombie hallucinations. To bring these visions to life, Fred secured zoning rights on his abandoned Westboror Baptist Church in Topeak-a-boo Kansas. After a year of prostituting his displaced parishioners, he managed to raise sufficient funds to build his first themepark, HECK ON EARTH.

Fred's long-time colleague and personal pharmacist, Jonathan Francis, initially expressed his doubts about the enterprise, telling Phelps that Satan would never allow the theme park to be built. The Westboro Baptist Church was already known as Hell on Earth, so to change it to Heck on Earth could confuse people. Fred decided to put his worst foot forward and perfect the use of negative energy, turning every disadvantage into an advantage.

HECK, in Fred's fevered dead brain, was the waiting lounge for Hell. He could see it so clearly...segregated pavilions based on putrification level: 1-the walking dead, 2-the lizard lounge, 3-the jello shute. Undaunted by the lack of confidence from his colleague, Fred worked "outside the box" to find funding. Then, after a brain storming session with a lot of uncooked chile, the big idea exploded.

Felps, who's farts were legendary even before passing away, used his own bad air as a natural fuel source, thus meeting the EPA qualifications for tax breaks and government subsidies. Tee shirts saying "WHERE THE HECK IS HECK" put confusion to its best advantage. he would use the power of hate and stupidity which was in great abundance everywhere.

In 1916, Francis confronted Satan,"Hail Beelzebub, you money-grubbing 1 per center, I WANT MORE!" Appreciating the lack of diplomacy, Satan proposed that Francis and Phelps expand their enterprise to Europe and improve Hell's public image in the old world, with an extra Amerodollar for every ticket soled and every soul ticketed. On his way out of Satan's office, Francis was given a wedgie, although Satan has persisted to deny allegations that it was him. He was quoted as saying "shyeah, he wishes I'd touch his butt" in response to these claims.

In 1920, after seeing the success of the Paris installation of Heck, Felps quickly decided to build a park in Birmingham, England. By 1936, an additional theme park was built in Ontario, Canada. Future plans include a park in Guantanamo Bay when they finish the Florida-Cuban tunnel.

Rides

Each Heck establishment features four roller coasters and two water rides. The latest rides to be introduced were the roller coasters The Rapey Rogers and The Slamminator, both introduced in 2003. Although not officially a ride, the park transportation has a free shuttle, a motorised handbasket, to get from the parking lots through the terrorist body scan and finally to the Themepark entrance. Child mollestors and pickpockets agree this is their favorite part of the park.

The Toaster Coaster

Along with The Tunnel of A Billion Thumbtacks, The Toaster Coaster was one of the first attractions to be built in Heck, and remains the park's most popular ride to this day. The ride is ostensibly a standard roller coaster, but features a plummet into a pit of fire about halfway through. This feature makes the ride popular among younger audiences, and for a brief period during 1985, the ride was adorned with Back to the Future logos and illustrations as a promotion for the movie. This was met with mixed reactions; older audiences felt patronised while younger visitors were generally pleased with the promotion.

Despite the generally positive experience had by most visitors, The Toaster Coaster has been criticized by several people. Editor-in-chief of Theme Parks Bi Monthly Magazine, Barbara Walsh said, in her 1993 review, that the seats of the ride were "very inappropriate" and made her feel "violated". She also commented that the ride itself was "uncomfortably warm", stating that the fire was "not only unnecessary, but it violates a number of health and safety rules". Satan himself issued a response to her review a month after its publication, saying that Walsh was "a fat idiot" and that he was going to "tell everyone she's a hooker".

Water Rides

Two water rides were introduced in the Birmingham and Ontario locations in 1964 to generally negative responses. People felt that the inclusion of water contrasted too much with the fiery aesthetic throughout the rest of the park. Despite initial reactions, the water rides are now a favourite among visitors and attract an estimated 5.5 million collective visitors per annum. The rides are called The Drowner and The Slower, More Painful Drowner respectively.

Other facilities

The Heck Hotel was first opened in 1979 on the site of the Paris theme park. The rooms are noted for their tasteless decorations. With the advent of context-sensitive wallpaper in 1982, Heck Hotels were able to display constant, surrounding video footage of residents' dead relatives being tortured in Hell. Although this is often criticized, it is generally accepted as a part of the resort's ambience, and the inclusion of this wallpaper is seen by some as a quirky way of connecting with residents.

Restaurants were opened in Heck in 1981, the first one as a part of the Georgria site. The restaurants are unique in that they do not sell food, but livestock. Customers are instructed by waiters to slaughter and prepare their own meals, and once a customer has committed themselves to a certain dish, they are prevented from leaving until this task is complete. The restaurants, however, do sell beverages. Currently, the following drinks are served: water, Coke, Diet Coke, Fanta and milk.

Alcoholic drinks include ethanol, water avec ethanol, Coke avec ethanol, Diet Coke avec ethanol, Sprite Zero and milk.

Controversies

Sarah Miles

In 1983, Sarah Miles, a 13 year old deceased girl, was sexually assaulted in the public bathroom of the Paris site by an unnamed member of the Heck staff. Miles was then released by the staff member in question and placed into no further harm. Georges Benoit, the chief security officer of the Paris branch at that time, issued the following statement three weeks after the incident.

“ I'd like to officially apologise on behalf of my staff to everybody. What happened to Sarah Miles was simply unacceptable, and you can rest assured that the gentleman who commited this unspeakable act is no longer on our staff. We are currently in the process of retraining our staff in this particular area, and it's something that I will keep a close, personal eye on. This is something I feel very strongly about, and I don't want this mistake to be made a second time. I want to make it clear right now that our guidelines state very explicitly that staff should never allow a rape victim to simply walk away after the incident. According to chapter three of the Rules and Regulations Guideline, 1981 Revision, staff are required to murder anybody they see fit to rape immediately after raping them. You can be sure that this won't happen again. Thank you. ”

1992 Bomb Scare

In July 1992, Heck's Birmingham branch was forced to close for a day due to the lack of any scheduled bomb scare. Satan insists that he "mixed things up a bit" and removed the bomb scare on purpose "for shits and giggles". Safety technician Charles Dawson, however, claims that "the bomb scare that was scheduled for that day was simply lost in the post. Nobody could have seen this coming. We've not gone a day without a bomb scare here since we opened, so there's an understandable commotion here. I'd like to reassure everyone that we can all calm down and everything will be back to normal by tomorrow".

Criticisms

Religious implications

A number of atheist critics have pointed out the impossibility of a place such as Heck existing, as it caters exclusively to prisoners of Hell. Richard Dawkins, a geneticist famed for his outspoken views against faith and religion, said that it is "very irresponsible of Heck" to exist at all, and that "if they had any sense, they would stop all of this silliness immediately". Satan remarked in an interview that "Dawkins is a nerd anyway" and that he "should punch his stupid little glasses off his fat, gay face".

By way of response, Dawkins published a book in 2007 titled Why Satan Should Suck My Balls, which was intended as both an invitation and an insult to Satan. In early 2008, Satan told a Fox News representative that he would "love to" suck on Dawkins' testicles after reportedly receiving endorsement to do so from Dawkins' mother.

Atheist critic, Robson Peters noted in 2001 that one of the implications of the apparent existence of Heck, and therefore Hell, was that morality, often thought to be subjective, must actually be totally measurable and quantifiable in order to define who is a sinner and who isn't. Peters said that this was "really quite worrying" and that he needed "a bit of a lie down".

One Bathroom per Site

Visitors are often frustrated by the presence of only one bathroom at each Heck branch. This is often described as grossly disproportionate to the number of visitors, inhumane and unsanitary. Satan himself has described it as "fucking funny".

Each site's bathroom is identical and consists of one very small stall with no door at the end of a long, thin corridor which houses the queue. Regular checks ensure that the bathroom is unclean and has an insufficient amount of toilet paper at all times.

See also

• Hell
• Satan