Tuba

"The only real power comes out of the barrel of a tuba." -Joseph Stalin

The tuba, or some band perverts call it Two-Booby, is an oversized-instrument with a colorful history and a large spit valve.The players come down to obese minorities. It is very rare if you see a skinny white kid playing this instrument. Unless you are in Utah, then it's a common occurrence.

History

Tuba players are actually descendants of a small clan of Dunadain Rangers that descended from the ice glaciers in the late ice age and survived with various Anglo Saxon tribes. During this time they adopted the Anglo Saxon beliefs in the Norse gods. They believed that Odin (King of Gods) and Thor (The God of Thunder) were at war. They believed that they were Thor's chosen servants and that they were his warriors for battle, so in turn they believed that thunder storms were their battles and lighting was the heavenly sparks emitted from the blows of Thor's hammer (Mjolinr) against Odin's armor. During these storms the tribe would yell and bellow to the heavens in an effort to aid Thor's battle. Eventually the tribe began using large hollow logs as megaphones to amplify their bellows. One day one of the tribesmen, being the typical bronze Aztec god a tuba player is, accidentally played amazingly into one of the megaphones and thus created the traditional resonating mating-call like sound of the tuba. The tribesmen soon realized they could mimic the sound with their mouths and continued usage of this technique that was soon the standard of all the tribesmen. Over time the megaphones grew larger and eventually became coiled and made of brass.

There are many debates to where the origin of the actual word tuba came from; many believe that it is actually derived from the Anglo-Saxon word töbast (pronounced tubaist), meaning purest of all instruments. It is believed that other Anglo-Saxon tribes would call the tribe heroes after witnessing them during their battles. There is also a debate on how the tubaist tribe survived- mainly they were out cast from society and practiced until their intelligence far surpassed the level of any woodwind or puny brass player and then were able to filter into society while discreetly maintaining their beliefs and passing them down from generation to generation.

It is unknown when it happened, but Tuba tribes began to keep Russian Dwarf Hamsters as pets. It is said they would give them to the tuba monks who would in turn nurse them all back to health. Now this rare breed of hamster is highly valued amongst tuba enthusiasts and is thought that if you groom them to give them handlebar mustaches they can keep away angry spirits that would otherwise try and steal ones rehearsal points.

Tubaists today are not only moderately different from the Neanderthal tribesmen worshiping Thor. Other than their extreme intelligence and handsome looks, they are genetically identical to their Neanderthal ancestors. This has been possible because the chromosomes of a tubaist are naturally superior to all other human beings, and also bears.

"The band has changed. I feel it in the woodwinds. I feel it in the drumline. I smell it in the storage room. Much that once was, is lost. For none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the great brass. Three euphoniums were given to the low brass, immoral, wisest and most ballsy of all beings. Seven to the trombone lords, great slackers and craftsmen of the misery of the rest of the band. And nine, nine trumpets were gifted to the upper brass, who above all else desired power. For within these instruments was bound the strength and volume to govern the woodwinds. But they were all deceived, for another instrument was made. In the land of Mordor. In the fires of Mount Doom, the dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master instrument, to control all others and into this instrument, he poured his masculinity, his dance skills, and his will to dominate all sections. One tuba to rule them all." -Tuba Myths & Legends, Volume I

Biology of Tubas

Tubas begin their lives as small euphoniums (not baritones, those are straight bore), or even as the occasional trombone player that notices that they wants to switch to euphonium, and then gets drafted to become a tuba in a higher band, but quickly gain size and grow to become full-fledged adult tubas. Note that many euphoniums become confused as to their personality, becoming trombones conforming to natural awkwardness of orientation. The euphoniums feed on notes in treble clef, while an adult tuba feeds on notes in bass clef. Older tubas possess four keys instead of three, which allow them to consume extremely low-pitched notes, which would kill most other instruments. Tubas are extremely acidic and extremely dangerous, especially in packs, however, they are more of a danger to themselves than anyone else. A dozen tubas is a force capable of destroying entire ecosystems (unless there are, say, half a dozen grand pianos there). However, the tubas reproduce slowly, meaning there are seldom more than one or two in any given place.

The Noble and Ancient Art of Tuba Eating

Tubas, with their acidic metals can lead to massive heartburn and dysentery. Therefore, to properly eat a tuba, one must take 2500 tums. Moreover, The tuba must be deep fried in the oil of 90 mammals: shrews, rats, and a mouse. It must be stuffed with a cheese sauce made with cheddar, gouda, and super glue, and then be cut into bite sized pieces that are pickled in vinegar and salt. It must be swallowed with pop rocks and coke. Also the player must be either exceedingly fat, or have an amazing metabolism.

The Mating Ritual

A wild female Tuba player has appeared!

Unfortunately, most of the females of the species reject most of the males who play tuba, preferring players of other instruments or non-band people in general. This results in the species being in even more danger of extinction. Few tuba female players, however, have been known to accept the males of their section.

You must be warned that Tuba Players are an endangered species. A recent study said that the ratio of Tuba Players to all other instruments is 1:1134. The next closest is the glass harmonica at 1:132. So if you see a tuba player attempting to engage a female in a mating ritual, leave them alone.

Tuba Commandments

1. Thou shalt not wear beret to the left

2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s mouthpiece bits.

3. Thou shalt not throw garbage in thy neighbor’s sousaphone bell.

4. When faith in thy music faltereth, improvise...loudly!

5. Thou shalt not play when thy spit valve needeth to be emptied.

6. Thou shalt learn to count to at least four.

7. Thou shalt put up thy tuba when thou art not playing or face certain death.

8. Thou shalt flirt with the flautists, color guard, cheerleaders, female band members, other bands' female band members, and/or anything that is attractive and aged 7–20. (Except for the oboe...or else)

9. Thou shalt always scream excessively loudly when cheering.

10. Thou shalt blame the percussion, for thou art never wrong.

11. Thou shalt dent thy fellow Tuba's bell for being emo.

12. Thou shalt take thy fellow Tuba's slides when bored.

13. Thou shalt laugh at the Bass Trombonist when they can't play their pedal C... with vibrato.

14. Thou shalt scream random colors such as "BLACK!" at pep rallies, football games, etc., or whenever thou seest fit.

15. Thou shalt have strange hair and go on Adventure Fridays, EVERY FRIDAY!

16. Thou shalt be snooty and full of thy false pretenses.

17. Thou shalt always mock the trombonists whilst thou playest louder than they.

18. PP is equal to FFF. Always.

19. Thou must remember to find thine brain after thou hast graduated. Oh, wait...

20. When thou art the only Sousaphone player in Marching Band then the only choice is to play as if thou wast with three others.

21. If band director sayeth louder, increase thine volume by no less then five steps.

22. If a rival band tuba section dances and thou believest that they are challenging thee, then on thee next one thou shall dance thee tuba heart out.

23. In concert band, thou must remember one thing: Tuba is always melody, except for when it's not...therefore tuba is still the melody.

24. Number 23 also applieth to Band of Marching.

25. The Drum Major doth not know better than thou. Thine internal chronometer is better. Sousaphone players say at what tempo a song shall be conducted.

26. If a Drum Major is of the opposite gender, then no matter whatever relationships that they may be in, you have exclusive rights to them.

27. If thou findest a female Sousaphone/Tuba Player, then thou hast been blessed by the tuba gods. Treat her as if she is a fellow Bass player, thus she is better than all other band members but still lower than you.

28. Remember that thou controllest the band.

29. Thou shall blast the music and ruin it for everyone.

30. Thou shalt mock, pity and ridicule the drum major when they can't keep a steady tempo.

31. If thou art the obese tuba player thou must mock the skinny tuba player or face the faults of being the loser tuba player.

32. Befriend the black tuba player, for he is destined by fate to go farther than thou.

33. Thou shalt always kill the moment by blasting.

34. Thou mustn't run whilst thou holdest a tuba, for clarinets are easily broken.

35. Thou mustn't run ever, for good tuba players are lazy.

36. Thou shalt always make up words that have tuba in them for they are funny, e.g. Tubalicious, Tubatoothpaste, Tubaloompa.

37. Thou shalt always disregard the drum major's instructions to low brass, for tuba is its own section.

38. If a tuba player is fatter than thee, thou shalt accept him as thy master.

39. If thou art a stupid-sounding tuba player, improvise by being the best tuba dancer for it pleases the crowd more than thine playing.

40. If thou hast a boring tuba part and lame marching show, spice it up with tuba visuals, e.g. tuba 360 or the fat double 180, pelvic thrusts, golden rear wipe, fast turns to the left or right, and the infamous tuba wave.

41. If ever thou happen upon a polka band, thou must join it.

42. Thou shalt never own an F tuba with fewer than five valves.

43. At every opportunity, thou shalt crush thou fellow band members’ puny instruments with a drop of your mighty Tuba (Inside its case of course) onto woodwind and string instruments (Not in their case of course). When questioned as to why you have let this "calamity" happen, yell at them about how important thou is to the band and how one piccolo is of no consequence.

44. When crushing a fellow band members instrument remember thou ist not a bully but thou ist just thy BEST.

45. Thou shalt use public transport to transport your instrument of destruction.

46. One octave lower than written is good, and two octaves is better! (This commandment also applieth to the higher octave).

47. Sousaphone players are not to wear black shirts to practice for the tuba does not like that and will bleed on to your shirt with blood that cannot be washed off.

48. Thou must always play charge with the trumpets to simply make them really, really mad.

49. Thou shalt take your mouth piece out of the sousaphone while dancing unless thou likith eye patches.

50. Thou can calculate the greatness of a tuba player by counting the dents on his sousaphone 0- new or a wuss; 10- stupid; 30- okay; 60- good; 100- guru's girl; 250- guru's pretty girl; 500- guru; 1,000- awesome.

51. Be weary of oboes, for they suck worse than any trumpet.

52. When though hast a question on thy mind remember tuba is thy answer to the universe.

53. Thou may date fellow female tubists/sousaphone.

54. Thou shalt not touch thy fellow tubas spit valve.

56. Thee shall always shove the head of any piccolo player who disrupts your musical genius into thy neighbors tuba.

57. Just like 56 but replace piccolo with ANYONE.

58. If thou has a fat AND black tuba player then thou must bow down to him as your superior in all ways. All of them. (Including Dating Rights.)

59. When thou findest an amount of rests greater than one measure length, thou shalt improvise, quickly.

666. The devil shalt never defeat thee thou art more lovely and more temperate. The tuba also created Old English and Shakespearean plays.

60. Thou shalt always follow these commandments and if they are ignored the mighty Tuba god in the sky shall rain his brass fury upon you in the form of flying tubas with lasers and chickens.

61. If thou is crowded by drumline during cadence, make room. Remember, thy Tuba dance is more important than cadence.

62. During tuba song in stadium, thou shall play loud enough to where thy lungs bleed, thy lining of windpipe is blown into thy valves, and thy neighbor below thees eardrums are ruptured.

63. Thou shalt always win breath holding contests that are set out by other.

64. Thou shalt never challange another tuba to a breath holding contest as this will lead to certain death.

65. Thou shalt not drop thine sousaphone in the eyes of the director lest thou be beheaded.

66. Thou shalt always create spit wars against every single brass instrument during marching season.

67. Thou shalt rip any paper which asks you to play anything higher than a Bb.

68. If thou are being distracted when tuba dancing, kill the heathen that committed such a deed.

Fire Tubas

Fire tubas were first invented by Norbert Tanglynickers and were used in the Bora War when British soldiers needed a useful musical weapon exclusively to launch flaming stoats, with the exception of huffing the occasional kitten. They have been sanctioned by the UN as a war crime to use. More of my research to follow.

Spit Valve Roulette

The goal of the game is to make someone mad. Go up to a fellow band mate, and ask him to randomly pick a valve. When said member has picked the valve, simply slide it out of the tuba and fling it in the direction of the band member. Lay your tuba down, and run. If you are still alive, congratulations, you win.

The Tuba Hierarchy

To help prevent dissent among the ranks of tuba players, a league had been assembled to carefully choose a hierarchy of tuba players, from least authority to most awesome.

The Skinny Tubas --> The Male Tubas --> The Swole Tubas --> The Fat Tubas --> The Female Tubas --> The Cowboy Tubas --> The Bearded Tubas --> The Black Tubas --> The Black Female Tubas

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