The clarinet, also called 'Death by long black stick', is a woodwind torture device used in the band. The clarinet relies on small, thin pieces of wood called 'reeds', which break more often than they actually play. Recently, the clarinet has also been used by the U.S. military as a lethal dual-purpose weapon. Some jeopardy contestants may also refer to the clarinet as a "large brass instrument" or "tuba". It is known by some (and denied by many) that the clarinet is one of the manliest of all musical instruments, even though Asian males are usually the most talented players. But all clarinet players rock and are badasses. Especially girl clarinet players: they are the life of any band.
The sandwich-makre Clarinet was created during World War IV by an unknown Alienetic soldier that wanted to celebrate Germany's victory over Russia by playing on his recorder. When he realized that he had eaten his recorder when the un-emergency rations were stolen by Robina Hood, he decided to fashion a wind instrument from his firearm. He modified it so that blowing into the opening of the barrel sounded somewhat like a dying Octopus. He also added four thousand buttons to confuse anyone who tried to play it. He had created the first clarinet. Unfortunately, he forgot that he still had a shell left in the shotgun, so when he figured out how to play above a concert G6, the supersonic vibrations set the gun off, which in turn blew his brains into next Tuesday.
At that point, another fellow soldier, Amadeus, walked into the room upon hearing such a perfect sound. Amongst the splattered brains, he found the modified shotgun. He then took it, and deserted the army with it. He fled to the New World, where music was not discovered yet. There he taught the primitive natives all about music, and along with the natives started to chop down all of their rainforests to mass produce more clarinets.
Clarinets as Weapons
Up until the war in Iraq, no one had thought about using the clarinet for non-peaceful purposes. The U.S. military however, had other plans. In 2004, Bush purchased 2 billion and 23 clarinets, and bought another 6 million in 2005. They had many reasons for using the clarinet, of which the main ones are:
- They are cheap weapons - Because no one south of the border makes over a dollar a day, clarinets can be made very cheap.
- They can be played during joyous occasions - What kind of weapon lets you celebrate a kill with music? Show that n00b how much you pwn by playing a tune over his body!
- Ultrasonic Pitches - A new strategy being used by soldiers is to play an extremely high and off tune note in front of the infidels (with earplugs on). The terrorists' eardrums will break, and holding the note for about 3 minutes will make them go crazy and confused. A further minute after this and their brains will get to a point where it cant cope with the sound and begin to malfunction.
- Assimilation of Western Culture - The Iraqi culture is slowly diminishing as Western culture is being introduced. Clarinets are replacing the drums as the national instrument. All along Iraq, local Halal restaurants are being replaced with McDonald's, camels are being replaced by Grand Cherokees, and the youth is beginning to wear clothing that is too big for them.
Types Of Clarinet
- Piccolo clarinet (Otherwise known as "the one I used to shoot up heroin the other day")
- E♭ clarinet (A medieval torture (1124-1294) device that produces such a high pitch that the victim's eyes will pop)
- Flute clarinet (Otherwise known as the flute)
- Oboe clarinet (Otherwise known as "the duck")
- Regular clarinet (pointless instrument.)
- Metal clarinet (Made of silver-plated brass instead of wood, it is almost always found in the hands of a jazz tenor saxophonist forced against his will to double on clarinet. As such, all "legit" clarinetists despise it.)
- Alto clarinet (Also known as the "moose clarinet")
- Bass clarinet (Also known as black saxophone. Obviously the coolest of the bunch.)
- Contrabass clarinet (An incredibly tall hollow tree trunk)
- Octocontrabasstuba clarinet (An even deeper, larger, hollower tree trunk, often made from the seedlings of the Really Big Tree)
- Zoidberg Clarinet (A clarinet that makes a distinctive "woop" sound)
- Subhyperoctocontratubassoon Clarinet (A theoretical design, it is said to be made of the unoccupied space in the 6th dimension, using super strings from the 8th dimension as its body rather than wood)
- Ultramonsoon was used to play very high pitch notes as it was the only clarinet which could do so
- Wisconsoon was a very fancy clarinet named after a famous person who was good at archery
- Golden Clarinet (Also known as the "soprano saxophone")
Stereotypical Clarinet players
- The Asian Male The ego of the clarinet section. Sometimes the principal and never shuts up. Is usually very nerdy and gets girls by letting them copy his answers.
- The White Male Thinks he is the embodiment of Benny Goodman himself. Never rises above third chair, but still plays louder than everyone else combined and with poor tone quality. Never passes up the chance to make condescending remarks to his superior female counterparts.
- The Slacker The clarinetist who's in band for credit. Never practices and leaves his or her clarinet in its locker at all times.
- The Asian Female The quiet one who usually sounds pretty good. Sometimes the principal, unless beaten by the Asian Male. The Asian Male is in love with her, but she doesn't want anything to do with him. The only one who cares about the band.
- The Wannabe Acts as though she is queen of the entire band, when in reality nobody thinks twice about her. Had a few moments of glory in middle school before cementing her position as second part.
- The Sexy Redhead Is in band for the hot guys and is usually friends with the Asian Male(to copy off his answers). Backs up The Asian Male's ego. She usually is a really good friend to everyone.
- The Weirdo Usually nice, but there's something that's just a little bit off. Attracted to the clarinet for similar reasons. Often plays third part.
- The Nerdette Often quite good at playing clarinet, sometimes better than the entire ensemble. Usually a girl or a gay guy, extremely smart and participates in more than band. Characteristically short. Uses extreme sarcasm and is a little weird and/or crazy. May have strong obsession with Darth Vader.
1. Thou art better than flute players.
2. Thou shalt not be friends with flute or tuba players.
3. Thou shalt chew gum in class.
4. Thou shalt shoot people when the director is not looking.
5. Thou bass clarinet player shalt be best friends with the bassoon and tenor sax players, and shall kill tuba players.
6. Thou shalt make fun of the saxophone players.
7. Thou shalt be excited over a new reed.
8. Thou shalt play high to hurt others' ears
9. Thou shalt play high notes only to make the saxophones and flutes envious
10. Thou shalt be friends with baritones for baritones and clarinets are long lost mates and should be together whenever possible.
11. Thou shalt sacrifice a flute or saxophone to the evil blackstick goddess
12. Thou shalt be referred to as the evil blacksticks of death. If one questions thy name, strike them with thy blackstick
13. Thou shalt tune out trumpet players
14. Thou shalt stab others with thine blackstick if those said persons question thine superiority
15. Thou shalt squeak obnoxiously
16. Thou shalt be friends with french horns for french horns art as awesome as thou, and art good in bed
17. Thou shalt call any soprano saxophones "golden clarinets"
18. Thou shalt shoot soprano saxophones to get the jazz solos
19. Thou shalt mention Benny Goodman, the King of Swing, if thine band members (mostly saxophones) argue that clarinets do not belong in jazz
20. Thou shalt respect the saxes for they are friggin sexy
21. Thou shalt learn the Mozart's Concerto in A, and use it to annoy everyone in thine band
22. Thou shalt panic when any sort of moisture comes near thy clarinet, besides thine own saliva
- 1) The Clarinet doubles as a lethal weapon used to beat INFIDELS.
- 2) The death toll by Clarinet-reed-splinter-in-your-tongue is 0, because only a complete idiot would do such a thing.
- 3) They are the best instrument in the band
- 4) In 2010 there have already been 25 reported clarinet stabbings.
- 5) People play clarinet because they are too lazy to make reeds for oboe. Point in case: Woody Allen.
- 6) The clarinet has the second largest range out of any woodwind- it can play from a low E to a high C five octaves above middle C. Some of the higher notes have been known to break small glasses, large glasses, vases, windows, glass sculptures, human ears, etc.
- 7) Darth Saul Williams used a clarinet in his duel with Obi-San Rafiki and the Dalai Llama, of Three's Company fame.
- 8) The only shame in playing the clarinet is that there is no shame in playing the clarinet
- 9) In Warsaw If you hold a clarinet to someone's throat they will hand over their money
- 10) In South Oak Cliff, if one is seen walking down the street in "Da Ghetto", all the drug dealers will immediately shrink back into their hidey-holes out of pure fear of the noise.
- 11) Clarinet players usually grow up to be band directors, and not the good kind either. They normally know nothing about music besides the clarinet and wear sparkling blue bow-ties.
- 12) The clarinets can also be used as a tool for doing sexual things for both genders
- 13 The clarinet was also used for people to practice blowing on to be ready to blow on something bigger in life
- 14) Girls who name is Clare and plays the clarinet is 1 out of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
- 15) The clarinet is usually the most quiet instrument in the marching band; however, 1% of clarinet players are louder than half a trumpet.