“Guess what?! I got a fever! And the only prescription... is more cöwbell!”
“Please sir, can I have some more?”
“There's never enough. never.”
The Cöwbell is a clapper-less bell device with a variety of uses. Many consider the cöwbell among the most difficult instruments to master, and hundreds of 13 year old suburban teenagers have been bitterly disappointed at their inability to become proficient players. This could be due to lack of talent and obsession with bands like Led Zeppelin, Blue Öyster Cult, and Will Ferrel more than the cöwbell, however, but the cöwbell is still pretty hard.
cowbell cowbell cowbell....
It is generally thought that the cöwbell was originally invented in the middle ages as a way for farmers to locate runaway cows. This is a common misconception perpetuated by the "cow" prefix. In actuality, it was invented by Lorne Michaels in 2001 as a method to generate fond memories of TV sketch comedy programs. Although there has been reference to the cowbell in caveman time. Erotic cave paintings show that the cowbell or "ugh" was used to attract mates to its loudness and hardness.
The cöwbell is often used to cure fevers and rashes.
Cöwbells are most commonly used by:
- Drummers who believe beautiful women watch Saturday Night Live.
- Internet users who comb forums for appropriate times to segue cöwbell discussion into a thread.
- Lorne Michaels from 2005-present.
- Kevin Trudeau as a miraculous natural cure the FDA doesn't want you to know about.
- Popular sony gaming series Cowbell hero.
- The band WAR
Cöwbells are also noted for making time travel possible without the need of Plutonium, thus providing a direct replacement for harder-to-find flux capacitors. When using Cöwbell, the speed of the time vehicle is cut in half as well, requiring travel at only 44 mph and 0.605 jigga-watts of electricity for activation.
It is currently native to only five locations in the world:
- Zimbabwe (now being used as currency)
- Boise, Idaho
- Delivery entrance of the Tesco in Croydon
North Korea's Kim Jong Il has stated that he has access to one, although these reports are unconfirmed.
The American Family Association and Parents Music Resource Center has sought support from the FCC to ban cöwbells from appearing nude in public broadcasts. The Church of Satan and the ACLU have engaged in legal opposition, pledging to represent any cöwbells arrested for public exposure pro-bono. It is claimed that direct exposure to cöwbells causes boys as young as 14 years old to realize that they have penises, and begin to engage in a common Church of Satan rite called puberty. Studies have confirmed that puberty is indeed the work of the Devil. Cöwbells have also been known to cause incoherent dancing which is also the work of the Devil.
Adding more cöwbell
Attempts to add cöwbell by amateurs have met with mixed success. Most user manuals state that only a trained professional like Christopher Walken or Bruce Dickinson, wearing a grounding wrist strap should attempt to install or upgrade cöwbell. Static discharge can harm the cöwbell's components, rendering it permanently inoperative.
The sound of a cöwbell is somewhat like a "CONK" sound mixed with a "CANK" sound. Now mix the two together. Now remove the horrible "W" sound you just put in there. Now you sort of have a sound that sounds exactly like a sound that is not unsimilar to a cöwbell.
One More Thing