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Really Big Tree

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Is that a tree or are you just happy to see me?

“Never before in my lifespan thus far, that is to say, the entire duration of time from my birth up until the exact moment in which I am typing these letters, have I ever beheld, looked upon and observed a tree of such colossal, prodigious, enormous, titanic, gigantesque, herculean, immense, stupendous, mastodonic, mighty, cyclopean, monumental, gargantuan, pythonic, tremendous and massive proportions.”

Holy crap, that's a really big tree! I mean, I've never seen a tree so big in my life, and I've seen my share of trees. If there was a Guinness world record for really big trees, this one would kick all their asses. I mean it, this tree is huge. Have you ever seen a bigger tree before? Goddamn. Tree. Big. Very. This tree could easily be bigger than all the trees I have ever seen combined, in a row, at the same time. Have you ever seen ... I mean, shit! That's a big-ass tree!

At first I thought it was maybe two or three trees. Or a whole group of trees, on a hill. But it was just this one huge fuckin' tree. This tree must've eaten other trees to grow so huge. I bet it used to be in a forest once, and it ate every last tree around it, drawing sustenance from their rotten logs. I bet the roots go down pretty deep too. So deep they probably soak up oil instead of water, Hell, the roots probably soak up magma.


And another thing, I'm not even that close to the tree and I can tell it's big. That tree is far away. There must be 5,437 squirrels living in that tree. Screw that, there's probably a highly-evolved society of squirrel-people who come down when the Moon is full and harvest coconuts or some shit like that. Imagine the termites in that huge fucker. They're probably the size of dogs. Maybe the squirrel people ride them around on the inside or use them as construction slaves, the fascist bastards.

I'd try to chop that tree down, but it would take a huge fuckin' saw, and when it falls, even if it doesn't kill you, and no one's around to hear it, it would make one hell-of-a noise. The damn thing would probably bat us directly into the Sun, and Mars would be running the bases and Venus would get pissed off that Mercury isn't sharing its peanuts or something. Maybe I should strip off some bark and make a canoe out of it, or a house. I bet if you take a limb, you'd have enough lumber to make a forty-story building with enough wood left over to reinforce the motherfucker because I don't think wood's strong enough to go that high. It must be, because that tree is huge.[1]

An in-depth look

“The Really Big Tree is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to the Really Big Tree.”

The magnitude of this tree cannot be exaggerated. This has got to be the tallest frickin' tree that has ever existed and will ever exist. It's like a skyscraper made of wood and leaves and birds. I bet if you climbed this tree it would take you half a century, and if you didn't die of old age, you'd die due to lack of oxygen because it's so damn tall there would be no oxygen at the top.[2] They probably have to alter the flight routes of high-flying planes in order for them to avoid this gigantic, monolithic tree.

A stellar chart of the Really Big Tree, just for size comparison

In French this tree might be called le grande arbre,[3] in Spanish: el árbol grande, in Portuguese: árvore grande pra caralho, in German: ze really big tree dustanagretzershtrazergeistweight! Instead of sending rockets to the Moon, they should just get the astronauts to climb this tree to get into space, IT'S THAT FUCKING BIG! I bet if you needed a place to store everything in the universe, you could hollow out this tree and stick every single thing ever created in the universe in it, and still have room for seven cows, Yankee Stadium, and your mom. OK, maybe not your mom, that's asking for too much. This tree is so goddamn big. This tree is the greatest thing in the universe, it's so big! Hell, it IS the universe!

The Biggest Thing Ever

Nothing, not anything ever, can come close to the size of the Really Big Tree. It really is that goddamn big. Other things history has claimed to be "big", such as the "Big Bang", really aren't that big when you compare them to the Really Big Tree. I can't emphasize enough how fuckin' big this tree is.

There really is no comparison between everything in the entire universe ever and the Really Big Tree. London Eye? Bullshit. Big Ben? Get the fuck out of my office. "Big Ben" isn't even the name of the tower; it's the name of the bell. And the bell isn't even that big. My left nut is bigger than Big Ben, and my left nut is like a speck of dust compared to the Really Big Tree.

Think of the biggest thing you've ever seen ever and probably ever will, and I'll tell you what you just thought of: Really Big Tree. If you thought of anything else, you're wrong.


How the hell am I supposed to know where this tree came from?[4] Just look how big it is; it was probably here before any of us or our childish civilizations. I'm sure primitive, rat-like versions of apes that evolved into real apes which eventually evolved into early humans saw this tree and thought to themselves, "That's a really big tree, squeek squeek."

Its roots are probably what held the world together while it was forming. You might even think it could be the legendary tree of life from the Norse legends, Yggdrasil, but there is nothing divine or legendary about this tree, it's just fucking huge. Either it has been around since the dawn of time, or the ground is really fertile, which wouldn't make much sense because nothing else grows around it, but if the ground weren't fertile, then how the hell could a tree that big exist?

Maybe on some distant planet, trees were used as projectiles, and someone aimed a tree the wrong way, flinging the tree through space until it collided with a small planet such as this one. The tree landed right in a marsh where its roots took hold, drew in all the water, and left the surrounding area desolate, which explains why there are no other trees around. That or the tree ate them, as mentioned above. But if that's true, than it is truly an alien tree that feasts on other trees. That tree is fucking huge!

Holy crap! I'd hate to be the beaver that tries to take this thing down for a dam!


  1. As mentioned above, the tree probably has gotten as big as it is by feeding off other trees. It uses its massive roots to search for other trees and, being the size that it is, can tunnel practically anywhere on Earth. It then entangles its roots with its prey's roots and pulls the tree down into the ground and into it's gaping jaws at the bottom of the stump. Have you ever been walking to where you thought there was a tree when in reality was just a hole? There was a tree there once, but not anymore. The tree got it, and it will get yours too. To prevent your trees from being feasted upon, it would be wise to tie them to a rock or something. Really big trees hate rocks.
  2. Some believe that on a dark Moonless night centuries ago, Peter Frampton and his posse of penguin ranchers carved a voodoo curse into its bark,[5] causing it to grow at an exponential rate.[6] This would allow him to climb the tree into space, where he would harvest the chewy chewy fruit that can be grown only in space. But that's just stupid.
  3. One theory about Really Big Tree, favored by albino lumberjacks, is that it was created by Joe McCarthy as a tool to fight communism. McCarthy originally planted this tree over the grave of someone he suspected to be a Communist ghost. Over the years the tree grew and grew and McCarthy drank and drank. Nobody knew exactly what Joseph McCarthy planned to do with the tree since he exploded before anybody found out about the gargantuan tree. Scientists, after doing an autopsy on McCarthy's tiny exploded meat chunks, found that he was suffering a rare medical condition known as bat fuck insane and the tree had no purpose whatsoever. Unfortunately we will not know the true intention of McCarthy until he returns to earth during the third stage of The Rapture.
  4. Another theory is that Ving Rhames, on his daily ass-kicking runs, noticed a sapling in his way. Thinking that the tree might be challenging him, he uppercut Ted the sapling with nearly a tenth of his strength. But by some miracle the tree remained rooted in the ground (probably because he was standing on a root), and because of the magnitude of the uppercut, burst upwards in a massive growth spurt. Legend has it that it was because of the mark left by his fist that the tree could feed off of the aura of awesomeness and thus widen out to proportion. This is clearly where Captain Planet comes from.
  5. The most probable theory is that it was blasted through space from the other side of the universe from the anger of an alien race who called themselves the Governators.[7] This race evolved from a sun god's anger and their own hatered of the charm quarks that evolved from the really dense atom Jasperillium. The Governators exploded themselves and their whole planet was obliterated. All the major parts of it, such as the really big tree and the space worm that featured a part in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, were propelled through space to where they are today. The Really Big tree was one of these things that was originally on the swamp-like planet, just like the really big space worm. Although it is nice to know that planet Earth got the Really Big Tree, and not the really big space worm. The really big tree's own origin is the same as anything else, it all started with the creation of the universe.[8]

See also


  1. Jakowski, Martin, et al. "Holy Fuck, That's A Really Big Tree." Scientific American, Nov. 2006
  2. Or you would get lost in all the leaves, and subsequently have to live in the tree until a search and rescue party came to get you, and judging by the size of this tree, they'd never find you.
  3. or arbre de fromage
  4. I don't even know what type it is! Probably an oak or a morning wood.
  5. All this was before his infamous treachery against McDonald's in World War IV.
  6. Though some believe Humphrey Bogart urinated on the seed when it was planted.
  7. All of them were Austrian body builders/actors.
  8. It could be a hormonal inbalance, so whatever you do, don't piss it off.
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