Big Ben
Big Ben is a Gargantuan timepiece. Originally an extremely tall British champion, he was born in Newcastle in 1705. Ben was 80 feet tall from the womb, and had an uncanny ability for telling the time without looking at his watch. This was very useful to the British army as they never missed a tea break, even though all they did was drink tea and send suckers from the countries they had conquered to conquer more countries and expand their great Empire.
There is a common misconception among tourists that Big Ben is an innuendo - but when tourists actually see Big Ben they discover it's actually rather small.
Ben's most famous battle is the Great Tea Bag flinging campaign of 1748, in which he threw vast quantities of teabags at Jimmy the Blind, Jacobite Pretender, for 5 consecutive days, finally ending with a flurry of finest Harrogate scones. And yet, this is not the most amazing thing about Ben. For you see, tea bags were not invented for another two centuries.
After the first death of Big Ben (now Massive Dong) in the Terrible Fish Shower of 1801, King Partario of England took Big Ben's hardly-used pocket watch and built a new tower from it, which can be seen by the Thames. Over the years, many strange events have occurred around this tower, usually involving people getting hit in the face by soggy tea bags, seemingly from nowhere.
There have been rumours that Members of Parliament routinely launch tea bags out of the windows of Westminster with slingshots to commemorate the life of Big Ben. According to these rumours, it used to be that points were scored by hitting the largest, slowest targets available, until a stop was put to this by the American Embassy.
