This article may be Overly British
“Did you know there's a London Eye in Japan?”
The Millennium Dome, Londinium Millennium Domium, or Blair's pharaoh style pyramid to celebrate 3 years of New Labour hippy rule is a massive dome in London, thrown together to celebrate the new millennium. Hence the name, "Millennium Dome". Get it? It was meant to be wicked, but instead it sucked. It sucked balls. Bigtime.
Nobody really knows what the Dome is made of, since for some suspicious reason the Government isn't talking. People generally think now that it is made out of one zillion tonnes of melted down stormtrooper armour. Bollocks, I say, but who am I to judge? Whatever it's made of, it looks like a giant golf ball rammed four fifths of the way into the ground. And indeed, it was going to be called, 'Giant Golf Ball Rammed Four Fifths Of The Way Into The Ground' but for some reason they changed it to 'Millennium Dome'. As for those spikes, I don't know what they're for. Probably to make it look cool. To make it a bit more interesting, the builders put 12 spikes on it, one for every day of the year(dude don't you mean month?) . It is also 365 meters in diameter, one for each hour of the clock face.
Building the Dome was an huge task, as it called for the biggest shipment of tea and biscuits to ever take place. Each worker needed at least one cup of tea and three biscuits every half-hour, lest they run out of energy and die. These are the heart wrenching transcriptions of communications during the struggle:
Mayday, Mayday! We need three packs of biscuits on the south-west side, ASAP! We have two workers who have had too many biscuits and not enough tea! Get them a medic, NOW! Oh God, we're out of Twinings! You'll have to make do with PG! I'm sorry, it's all we have! Smashed mug, repeat, smashed mug!
I'm worn out just typing them. As you can see, it was absolute chaos from day one. This is what it's like every single time Brits try to build something big.
It's also interesting to note that they built the entire thing in the 24 minutes before the new millennium. This was actually because of the disorganisation of the Government, but they disguised it as representing the 24 hours in a day. What?! This is the UK.
O2, possibly while high, bought the naming rights around September 2006. The dome is now called 'The O2'. (didn't see that one coming, eh?!) However, nobody cares, and the Millennium Dome shall remain the Millennium Dome until it inevitably has a plane flown into it (so far Al Quaeda are refusing to waste their men on crashing a plane into this piece of shit even though they will be given the entire country of Australia if they do). So bollocks to O2, really.
So What's Inside?
What, at the moment? Sod all, that's what.
Of course, when it opened there was this exhibition, about stuff and what not. But, being organized by the Government, it was rubbish, so it closed after a year. And the Lib Dems and Conservatives have been rubbing it in Labour's face ever since. At the moment, it is a critical and rather convenient shelter for the public, against the horrifying British weather. Bleugh! So really, most of the public are fine with it. But the Government doesn't want the Dome to represent crap weather, which it has done since the exhibition closed. They want to turn it into something less appalling. This called for a lot a head scratching, and consumption of tea and biscuits.
After five years of sipping tea and nibbling biscuits, a lot of ideas were put forward as to what to do with it:
- A house for the Eden Project.
- A crack, marijuana and cannabis house. And let's not forget heroin, people.
- Convert it into a flying saucer and stage various cover-ups with it.
- Uncyclopedia Headquarters (now that would be sweet!)
- Wikipedia Headquarters (ummmmmm...nah)
- Encyclopedia Dramatica Headquarters (out of the fucking question)
- Tea and biscuits bar.
- Doomsday weapon.
- World's largest cupboard.
- Dark Lord Mandelsons base for his Death Star.
- A permanent venue to discuss what should be done with the Millennium dome
Eventually, the Government reached a decision. The Dome is going to be turned...
Into The World's Largest Bingo Hall!!
That's right, 130 acres of pure bingo! The Old Person's Heaven! This will not only make it the world's largest domeand bingo hall, but the world's scariest landmark too, because of all the old people! Well done Labour, you've done a kick ass job! This puts things into a whole new perspective:
Tea and biscuits all around! Spiffing biscuits, old chap. Fancy a spot of tea? Wouldn't mind one myself! Looking forward to playing bingo? Ah yes, jolly good...