Baritone saxophone

Meh, nobody cares about this article.

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Baritone saxophone is a term used to describe any horrible looking torture and/or murder weapon from 1392 to 1645. While many consider the baritone saxophone to be merely a giant version of the saxophone, the history of the baritone saxophone is actually much greater and extensive. Plus, who wants to see another article about a saxophone, honestly?

Origins

One of the earliest known records of the baritone saxophone

While the exact origins of the baritone saxophone are unknown, they can be traced back to the early 14th century, around the time when the Americans invented France as an alternative to their growing litter problem. As the baritone saxophone became more popular, the demand soon outgrew the production rate and this led King Joshua IX to order the selling of the Falkland Islands to fund a new factory.

Medieval Uses

The baritone saxophone has been a part of European history, from the time Europe was discovered by Sir Isaac Newton, to the Renaissance, to the great acid storm of Denmark in 2093. During the great black plague, the baritone saxophone was used along with a host of other torture devices to force peasants to reveal any places they knew of where the plague was.

Royal Uses

Marie Antoinette's baritone saxophone, on display in the National History Museum in Finland

Marie Antoinette was a huge fan of the baritone saxophone. She took lessons on it for approximately 3 months, before giving up and using it to torture many innocent victims, until her public beheading by Sir Elton John.

Modern Uses

Today, the baritone saxophone features in many historic prison tours, horror movies and jazz ensembles. It seems to be highly common that each secondary school owns one, and just as common that they never use it. While there is a law in 38 countries around the world prohibiting the use of baritone saxophones, many other countries continue to use it in gang related murders. Boys who play the baritone saxophone tend to be amazing provided they do not dress like gay metros, and Girls who play the instrument tend to be self-obsessed, and believe they are superior to male bari players despite the clear fact that they are in fact far from it, as male bariton players are far more talented. However, their experience from blowing such a large instrument does transfer to the bedroom, so if given the chance, take it! Anyone who plays the baritone saxophone can blow breathe into the instrument at an incredible rate, considering all the tubing. They can hold their breath for a very long time, and can also bear a lot of weight. Common uses of the baritone sax in High School is hitting douches who play the Alto Sax, Tenor Sax, or Trumpet and think they're better than you. Freakin Douche Bags! All of you.

Bass Saxophone

As of 2007 Saddam Hussein and the dead soul of Osama Bin Laden are believed to have invented the Bass Saxophone as a badass way to torture people in Hell. It is 1 1/2 times bigger than the baritone saxophone and is far more damaging.

Those Motherfuckers Like George W. Bush and every enemy of the papacy will be the first to be victimized by this very dangerous weapon.

Contrabass saxophone

A Saxophone so large that when it is played, anyone who hears the note loses complete control of their bowels. This is also known as the brown note, except every note on the contrabass saxophone is a brown note. All 9,001 of them, each ranging in intensity from a small fart to a full on assplosion, causing all of the organs in the human body to be released from the anus.

See also

• Chainsaw
• Torturous
• Headless French Queens