- Looking for the Linkin Park song? Then fuck off, because I'm telling you now, you won't find it here.
“Dread, it run from it, paper cuts come all the same.”
“Seeing as this is the A4 sheet of paper, the sharpest office paper in the world, and will probably cut your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I Feel Lucky', well do ya punk!?”
The most painful, humiliating and physically debilitating of any injury, the paper cut has been with humanity since the dawn of time. Also known as intradermal papyral lacerations, they are a form of sharp force trauma that have become increasingly common since both the 1989 release of Nirvana's Bleach and the advent of the 'paperless office'.
Paper cuts began with the invention of the spear. Unwilling to admit that they had actually looked down the shaft of their own spear, many cavemen would claim that they had, in fact, cut themselves on the abrasive edge of a document dropped by a wandering time-traveller.
Later, after the invention of the stone tablet, the paper cut diversified. Now cavemen could cut themselves with the sharp edge of their chisel, or crush their fingers trying to reorganize their filing system. Both of these "cuts" were seen as the wussiest way a caveman could hurt himself, as the profession of chiseler/accountantwas new and hardly understood.
With the advent of papyrus the edges of documents became even more lethally sharp. Many Egyptians fell victim to the one-two punch of a paper cut and early-onset gangrene.
King Tut famously died of a cut just like this while reading his favorite magazine, Things Covered In Gold You Might Want to be Buried With. Queen Nefertiti outlawed all papyrus for the duration of her reign to prevent further incident, which merely led to an increase in stone-tablet-related finger-crushings.
Due to their natural dexterity, the Romans never suffered as much as any other culture due to paper cuts. Of course, when Julius Caesar fell prey to the edge of a plumbing-expansion report by his main lobbyist in the Senate, Brutus, the empire was shocked to its core.
During this time bathroom-related fatalities due to paper cuts soared with the invention of toilet paper. Sir Thomas Aquinas was the main opponent of toilet paper at the time, claiming that humanity had done just fine with their fingers for millenia, and that God would have made a toilet paper plant if he meant man to wipe his ass.
Later, during the Black Plague, doctors would commonly bleed patients with a combination of mild paper cuts and leeches. This was shown to be folly, because the physiological shock of more than five simultaneous sub-cutaneous paper cuts is fatal.
In this era of human development, the leading scholars and scientists of Europe's rebirth were working hard to prevent any form of paper cut. Commonly, the edges of all papers would be given metal lips, to prevent any chance of accidental paper cut. These plans were later scrapped because wiping was incredibly painful with metal in the mix, and the toilet paper wouldn't flush well. In 1240 AD, when the Benedictine monk St. Nicholas opened his bible in great haste, The Book of Psalms flew out of the bible and sliced his arm. The resulting bloodstain was the precursor to the modern Santa Suit and, due to St. Nicholas' habit of throwing gold at Christian prostitutes, female menstruation. In 1493, Christopher Columbus returned from the Americas bearing paper. King Ferdinand is happy with Columbus' gift, and combines it with Sir Walter Raleigh's gift, sweet tobacco. In 1503, Ferdinand dies of paper-related cancer.
Tudor Monarchy, English Civil War and the French Revolution
The Japanese practice of Origami was put to fiendish use by the French in a new device known as the guillotine. This elaborate execution method used paper cuts to remove the head of the victim. Many French aristocrats and many of Henry VIII's wives were executed using this method. The practice fell out of fashion, though, after the printing press was invented, causing a sudden paper shortage and an upsurge in civilian deaths.
Charles I and James II were two iconic, accidental deaths by paper cut during this period, and William and Mary were heard to say that paper had made revolutions several orders of magnitude easier for everyone involved.
Several influential world leaders are assassinated with Paper Cuts while at their desks, causing their deaths to appear simple, if horrific, clerical errors. The United States leads world development of non-cutting paper in the hopes of ingratiating themselves with third world countries in a last-ditch attempt to prevent the spread of communism.
Clumsy Soviet retaliation leads to the death of Harry Truman after having all his extremities crushed by stone tablets. In a three-day candlelight vigil, various high-ranking US officials give themselves paper cuts with important laws that Truman had signed into effect dealing with the Soviet situation.
Famous Paper Cut Victims
- Julius Caesar
- King Tut
- Vlad the Impaler
- Charles I
- Marie Antoinette
- Sainte Juste
- Maximillian Robespierre
- Johann Gutenberg
- Ronald Reagan
- John Kerry
- Do not use paper.
- Do not wipe. Alternately, do not defecate.
- Do not vigorously rub the edges of paper over your fingers.
- Do not become a national leader with enemies.
- Fold all documents into complex Origami constructions that have no edges.
- Never leave your room.
However, chances are that you're going to get at least one paper cut in your life. And it is going to sting like a bitch.
What to do if you get a Paper Cut
Paper cuts can happen anywhere, at anytime. If you are in the wild and you suffer a papercut, you must immediately scrub the wound with rattlesnake venom and leper saliva, or don't. Seek medical attention immediately, or don't. If you aren't in the wild, do the following:
- Sit in a comfortable position
- Do not panic.
- Do not reach for a first-aid book; you will merely get cut again.
- Do not pour lemon juice or salt on your wound.
- Do not move; paper cuts can smell fear.
- Do not cry; the saline in your tears will only inflame the laceration.
- Be very still and eat lots of square meals, so your body can begin its recuperative processes.
- Complain loudly for about 45 minutes
- Let the wound sit for 2-3 hours whilst chanting "blooba da bing, gug" over and over.
- If these steps are ineffective you are finished - the paper cut has done it's job and there is no return. Tell your family that you love them, or don't.
- This is an extremely important step in the process, and must not be skipped.