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A leper is a large four-legged human with three heads (two of them detachable), three teeth (two for chewing and one for launching missiles), and two functional penises (the usual and an extra one on the forehead (it was either an extra one on the forehead, or none at all, and we all know that doesn't work). Additionally, they typically possess six to fifteen sets of non-functional genitalia, often in varying states of necrosis. Lepers are known to publicly and conspicuously feast on children and the elderly, and fetal lepers have been seen eating their way out of their mothers. "Leper" is a Jewish word that directly translated means "Democrat."
Professionalism Amongst Lepers[edit | edit source]
Leprosy, the natural profession of a leper, is not a well paid position, but the main duties are ones at which the leper is naturally adept, namely launching rockets from the rocket tooth, losing body parts (typically the extra, non-functional necrotic genitalia), battling Battletoads (the leper's natural enemy), and growing numerous extra body parts to compensate (usually the aforementioned non-functional genitalia. The leper is known to live on the fire planet, Mustafar.
Impact on Society[edit | edit source]
Lepers have been outcasts in society for many years, simply because some fool translated the word "leper" incorrectly; though probably if it had been translated correctly, lepers would still have been outcasts.
After being infected by a leper, the new bearer of the leper curse is gifted with certain powers. The newly ordained leper then uses his natural gifts to beg for money, so that when Jesus came along, he was greatly hated by the lepers because he cured them of their Texan roots and made them overly British, thus taking away their livelihood.
Little-Known Trivia[edit | edit source]
Contrary to common belief, lepers do not wear their coverings to hide their hideous skin disease. No siree. Lepers wear coverings to hide their hideously huge ears. The rest of the coverings are worn as a distraction.
- In south-west England the culturally forward and rich people play a fun family game called 'Maim The Leper!'. This consists of hurling falafel at your chosen leper, until he collapses.
Famous Lepers[edit | edit source]
- Jesus: This is highly controversial, as many people say that Jesus was never a leper. However, after Jesus met another leper he saw the error of his ways and, with the help of God's grace and plastic surgery, converted to the ways of the leper. After this miracle, Jesus began going around and healing other lepers and making them overly British, promising them that they would become green carrots in the year 1337.
- George "The Little Texan that should" Bush: This is also a controversial topic as certain lepers and other people believe that any self respecting leper cannot have quotations around his nickname. Bush is currently thinking about becoming an Alabamanian but this would require that he grows an eleventh toe, so it might be too complicated.
- Ben Cramer: The horror from the deep, now singing live on stage. He entertains his audience with horrific tear-jerkers and random limbs falling off. He is one of the few lepers that publicly exposes his huge ears and flaps them around, but he is the only one that is really scared of Mentos.