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A frisbee left in the sun

“Were it not for women, ears would be the perfect instrument for listening to things. And one of those things would be me — playing my saxophone.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ear

The Ear is a bodily organ that are used to shield the side of your forehead from the sun. They are shaped like a frisbee left in the sun too long, and have a hole in the center. These organs are composed mainly of skin, cartilage, fat, cellulose, gravy and mucus. Ears supply two-fifths of the world's wax.

As with eyes, modern science has little to no understanding of the ear. Most humans are born with an ear on the left side of the head and grow a right ear as they morph from larva into pupa. The ear's main purpose throughout history has been similar to that of Christmas trees: a dangly thing from which to hang stuff.

Wax production[edit | edit source]

In the brain lives about a hundred bees. According to most scientists, these bees are pretty annoying. Unfortunately, the bees are particularily greedy and horde all the honey to themselves like honey-pimps.

As a by-product, these bees produce forty-seven gallons of wax a day. This is an incredible waste, as humans can only extract thirty-eight a day. However, they usually choose not to. The remaining amount of wax slowly replaces brain cells, and as people age, they find it is harder to think and/or remember. This is the cause of senility and dementia.

The Wax Scandal of 1939[edit | edit source]

In Russia, goverment-issued candles were becoming too expensive for the citizens to afford, and so the Government tried a new method: Taking the wax from the ears of the citizens. And so 30,000 Russian were forced into slavery while the worm off of "The Matrix" stole away all of their wax. Soon though, Russia lost too many citizens to profit profit from their new candles, and abandoned the practice.

Five interesting facts about ears[edit | edit source]

  • The walls have ears.
  • Dead people have ears, but cannot use them properly. This is because there is no sun in graves.
  • Some people have replaced their ears with eyes, which absorb more sun.
  • It is the primary external organ through which most living beings can insert a sharpened #2 pencil snugly.
  • Mimes do not have ears, either.

Ear Intercourse[edit | edit source]

It may also be interesting to note that a disturbing trend involving the insertion of a certain male appendage into the ear has emmerged in many popular modern music scenes. For many, this act is nonconsentual and generally distressing. New research proves that this so called "ear rape" is damaging to the health of your ear and may cause any or all of the following:

  • Perferation of the ear drums.
  • The involuntary cover of one's offended organ(s) with a hand. Or both.
  • Destruction of any or all stereo sets and/or portable music players.
  • General discomfort.

However; certain groups of individuals seem to actually enjoy the sensation of ear molestation. It is theorised that they have been infected with a rogue strain of the AIDs virus which specifically affects the earlobe (creating massive holes, some nearly ten millimeters wide if not treated), and causes the suffering party to become completely batshit and suddenly have a terrible dress sense.

These "hipsters" are extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. If you encounter one of the individuals in question, do not attempt to engage in any discussion relating to: music, clothes, art or politics. Report the affected individual to your local group of Metalheads for immediate purging.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

Mike Tyson has an ear fetish.

Ears make everything better.