Gangrene
Gangrene is a curse afflicted upon the lovers of vice for their lack of faith, wherein the limbs of the cursèd are made black like the heart of Satan, upon whose maleveolent will rests the fate of all men who seek not the light but the dark. For most severe cases, one sees the maggots feast on the deadening muscle and tendon, gorge upon the fat like B'aal feasting on the iniquities of man. A trained doctor may extract these maggots and decant them over the posteriors of those unfortunates whose nostrils unceasingly sneeze.
A diagnosis for gangrene may in due haste be ascertained by only the most trained and battle-weathered, for whom the colors of pustules and the angles of boils are like the trodden forest paths of a village childhood, borne within and known dearly in one's heart, lov'd and from rote recited as if the Lord's Prayer. Lacking a doctor of discerning birth or knowledge, it is best to lie in wait and let Death seize you.
The causes
The eyes resting upon the curves of the goat and pig and imagining the manflesh. The rubbing of exotic spices on your knee, unblessèd by your local doctor with his fourth child's urine. Immanetizing the eschaton. Being a slut. All these may be the portals for which demons and dark creatures of devilish kind may find respite from the Holy Light, and into your limbs. They may also be caus'd by an imbalance of humors, which are brought about by onanism. Keep your sacred fluids within you, lest Beelzebub should come to you at night and demand his portion.
The cure
- 1/4th portion oil of garlic
- 17 vigorous hours of sprinting around a bonfire, close enough to singe the skin
- 2/3rd portion tears of a lying child
- Copious amounts of bloodletting, until the skin is near taut and gray
If the patient responds negatively to such treatment, dose with opium and strong liquors until the heart beats not and the lungs fail to hold the air. His soul will be, in haste, committed to the angels provided their sins not outweigh the charity that among the clergy and their local doctor they so bestowèd. Failing that, speak a prayer, and spake, "There but for the grace of God go us all."
Prognosis
Death is likely to occur within three to five weeks. If one is afflictèd with gangrene, death is likely to occur much sooner. It is best that those possessed by these devils be put out onto a ship docked in harbor, wherein all manner of crude and speckled men may be laid in wait for a death to come, a sweet release into the arms of the Lord. When ceasing of breath and stiffness of the limbs ensues, one must soon cut out the tongue lest it fester, and let it cure in a strong solution of red wine vinegar and milk of magnesia, into which an elixir of unearthly spirits are then mixèd: this makes a most refreshing treatment for delirium tremens.
See also
- Amputee
- HowTo:Incise papules from the comfort of your own home
- Straps to alleviate the pain of Vagina dentata
- Top five treatments for back-pain from Saladin himself!
