Orgasthma
Orgasthma (or Anaprophylactic Toxic Shock) is a disease of the genitals. It is often mistakenly classified as a variation of Asthma due to the name. Whilst almost always fatal, it is fortunately rare for two main reasons:
- It can only be transmitted through sexual intercourse or sexual outercourse, but can also be created spontaneously during a cheese overdose.
- It acts within seconds, meaning that you die pretty much instantly. If by chance they survive (belonging to three native tribes of Europe as well as having false teeth guarantees immunity), death simply occurs when the victim grabs the closest pointy object and stabs themself in the face.
Orgasthma in the Media[edit | edit source]
Theodore James Issaac Constable, the notable millionaire paraplegic boxer, wrote about his experiences and struggles with Orgasthma in his book, My Experiences and Struggles with Orgasthma. It was at the top of the New York Times Best-Seller List, until all copies of the book had to be recalled because the paper that it was printed on caused birth defects in children up to 9 years of age, and Theodore was a millionaire no more. Nevertheless, critics roundly applauded the book for its creativity, as the author said only one sentence that was actually pertinent to the subject, and then went off on a rambling tangent, and still managed to get it categorized as non-fiction. The sentence in question is shown below in chapter 6:
"I hate having orgasthma; it's hard to live with. I took some tea to help me sleep and it hurts to breathe. I am flying. Muffins are evil. I think I may have sat on a meatloaf. Eggs can't feel love. I wonder if whales are self-concious about their weight?"
And so on. As you can see, the descriptive writing really pulls the reader into the action. It's almost like I'm right there with him in the Amazon, fighting those cobras.
The effort of writing the book was unfortunately too much for his feeble mind to take and Theodore succumbed shortly after to a bad case of British accent.
Symptoms[edit | edit source]
Since the only known survivor quite clearly went mad from the experience, we can only guess at the symptoms that preclude the disease's outbreak. Some suggestions have been:
- puffy eyes
- itchy jockstraps
- lust for cheese
- Short-term memory loss
- an addiction to snorting tissues
- Irritating laughs
- Ovulatine
- Having a stupid name
- Short-term memory loss
Short- and Long-Term Results[edit | edit source]
There are really only two outcomes for sufferers of this disease:
'Bachelor' Case[edit | edit source]
- Victim ingests cheese.
- Victim ingests more cheese.
- Disease forms in stomach from cheese proteins.
- Victim dies.
'Motel Room' Case[edit | edit source]
- Victim ingests cheese.
- Victim ingests more cheese as part of a sexual act.
- Disease forms in stomach.
- Victim's partner becomes a necrophiliac.
- Partner contracts disease, and dies in a slightly more gruesome way.
- Motel owner discovers what all the commotion is about, and locks himself in.
- Motel owner dies.
- Fight breaks out among remaining travellers over who gets to keep the motel.
Orgasthma is the leading cause of parental trauma in cheese factories world-wide.
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