Secret STDs

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This STD has been canonized by the Pope for its
blessed fight against evil use of condoms.

A sexually transmitted disease (it's actually a fucking sexually transmitted INFECTION now known an an STI) is a bacterial or viral infection that can be transmitted from person to person by means of sexual contact which often involves exchange of body fluids. Some common examples of STDs are Herpes, Clamittia and HIV. Though these ailments can range from pain-in-the-ass-ish to devistating, at least information exists about how to treat them, unlike the mysterious secret STDs.

Origins[edit | edit source]

The secret STDs are a group of sexually transmitted diseases that were hidden from the public by papal forces in the 17th century in order to maintain integrity of the Catholic church. Though members of the vatican take vows of celebacy, much like many of the promises made by the church, these vows are were and are perpetually broken. So much so that everyone in the church were pretty much the biggest sluts and man-whores around. BUT in order to apperar as pure as they were claiming to be, the members of the church had to limit their partners to other members of the church. Because everyone was sleeping with everyone else (without protection) certian toxins built up in their bodies. These toxiens created odd and mysterious symptoms which would later be known as the secret STDs. When symptoms of these STDs were discovered, rather than seeing a physician, the sufferers chose to self-medicate (explaining the high rate of unics within the vatican) or ignore the symptoms. The 17th century being as volitaile as it was, especially for the catholic church, the need existed to cover up this shameful threat to the church's integrity, therefore all efforts were made to ensure that knowledge of these diseases did not reach the public.

Examples[edit | edit source]

Due to genetic variety, a wide array of symptoms had apperaed within the church due to decades of exposure to unprotected exhange of bodily fluids. Some of the most common examples are listed below:

  • Cotton balls/ Corn Nuts: A viral infection of the scrotum. In the first stage of this disease the testicles will start growing a thick coat of white hair and will be particularly sensitive to the touch. Though painful this stage is not life changing. The second stage, which does not always occur or does so suprsingly, is corn nuts the dreaded second stage of cotton balls where the scrotum becomes bumpy and eventually rock hard. The skin will become flaky anf the entire scrotum will eventually erode away in time.
  • Genital mumps: A viral infection that causes the ovaries or testies of the victim to swell uncontrollably causing much pain and discomfort. In addition a fever-like heat may occur in the swollen area but will remain topical and will not spread to the rest of the body.
  • Penis rickets: A mysterious aliment that causes the penis to shrivel and become crooked due to extended lack of use or misuse of the penis after extended periods of regular use. Because the penis does not contain bones, the cause to symptoms is unknown. This ailment is most likely to strike the elderly but has been known to effect the younger population at times as well.
  • TGS (talking genital syndrome): A bacterial infection that causes the genitals to seem to develop a mind of their own and eventually begin to speak. This ailment does not effect the health of the sufferer with the exception of their sex life. However, many times the personality that the genitals develop may be unpleasant, rude and uninhibited causing tension between the sufferer and those with whom they interact. TGS has also been known to effect the personality of those who have the disease, often giving them more confidence and making them more charismatic.
  • Genital Rabies: Viral infection of male or female genitalia caused by encounters with feral genitalia of common "street people" or the Homeless. Symptoms include a foamy discharge of multiple colors, and in some cases may lead to locked-rectum syndrome. No known cure, the genitals will have to be put down if the condition does not correct itself.
  • Carnivorous Vaginitus: A bacterial infection which causes tooth-like growths to form within the vaginal cavity. These growths can develop to be quite sharp and may potentially harm any flesh that they come in contact with. The late stage of the disease is accompanied by corrosive vaginal secretions that will, in combination with the sharp tooth-like growths, destroy and sever any flesh that comes in contact with the area. Though not harmful to the carrier, this disease is notorious for creating unics. Because this disease can only be carried by females, it can only be transmitted via lesbian sex thus, giving it the nickname of "the scissor snacker".
  • Multiple inversional vaginoma (MIV): Disorder following multifactorial inheritance in which an anovaginal fistula develops and subsequently alters the behavior of the affected person.
  • LAIDS simliar to AIDs, but originates from Leominster. Not really deadly but leaves a strange stain and can be transffered by touch.

Treatment[edit | edit source]

It is beleived that the church has developed secret treatments to accompany these secret diseases, particcularly the viral ones, however due to their refusal to speak of the issue, this fact can not be confirmed. Luckily the backterial infections such as TGS can be easily treated with antibiotics and clear up quite rapidly. Unfortunately for those who contract penis rickets, there is no cure and the victim will have to live with a crooked penis for the rest of his life even if other symptoms relent.

Influences[edit | edit source]

Though not much is known about the tragic disease carnivorous vaginitus, a recent movie titled "Teeth" has helped inform the public of its seriousness. Many jokes and satire have circulated around the idea of pregnant nuns. Because church members have such an active sex life this idea is not that outrageous. But, in reality if a nun were to get pregnant they would just have an abortion (yes, they are that hypocritical). The swollen abdominal area sometimes appearing on nuns or others (sometimes mistaken for a gut) is actually the result of untreated genital mumps. Though these diseases originated within the church, these diseases (most likely by means of alter boys) have spread to the general population. Knowing this much, suspicion has circulated about the prevalance of these diseases amoung celebrities. Was Barrack Obama really born that charismatic, or did he at one time contract TGS? Did Tom Cruise really get Katie Holms pregnant or did she just have genital mumps? Could Hugh Hefner have Penis Rickets? Due to the secrecy and general lack of information about these ailments, we may never know.