Sexually transmitted disease

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Condoms, one of the most popular ways to avoid STDs.

It's no secret that the most likely way to get a sexually transmitted disease is from, yep, you guessed it, sex[1]. Over the last decades, STDs have been a concern for both sexes, and have been one of the main reasons sexual intercourse has been regarded as a troublesome activity. With the evolution of modern science, many alternative methods have been created in order to prevent them, but alas, none have proven 100% effective.

Sexual health care is now taught in schools and colleges to ensure that there is a great awareness of the risks of having unprotected sex. Protection such as condoms, umbrellas, and steel body armor, should be used when possible.

Symptoms[edit | edit source]

Early stages of STDs will most likely lack any visible symptoms: people that have been infected may blissfuly live their life with no idea they've contrived such disease. But as the disease continues, those with STD may start to suffer from exhaustion, vomiting, and an irregular sex drive. They will also experience sudden mood swings and a colossal appetite.

Its most notable symptom, however, is the distension of the abdomen: once the disease has fully developed, a protuberance on the stomach of the host will appear, and it will progressivly get larger and larger, inflicting excruciating pain to the sufferer. This process culminates with the birth, in which the cause of the disease is expulsed through the vagina once it has no further need to nurture through the body. Despite this being the supposed end of the STD, the parasititic entity will still inflict suffering to its victim, progressing into a chronic disease known as motherthood; the symptoms of which, such as garnished wages, diminished mental and physical health, depression, vomiting, diarrhea, and vomiting diarrhea, recur throughout the patient's lifetime.

Etiology[edit | edit source]

A patient with an advanced case refuses to allow her face to be photographed.

The overwhelming majority of reported STDs are caused by a single-celled organism organism called the zygote, which within hours embeds itself inside of a woman's uterus and begins to draw nutrients from her body. The zygote soon becomes a fetus, which gestates (matures), to become a baby. If not removed early on in the process, it gestates and is expelled from the body 36 weeks after the initial contraction of the disease, often with considerable anguish for both the sufferer AND the baby. What's worse is, sometimes TWO or THREE pop out!

Scientists disagree whether a baby is an infection, a benign tumor, a parasite, or a punishment led by God for people that tries to indulge in sin. However, it is known that porking, screwing, knocking 'er up, slapping the kielbasa in the bun, doin' it, huffin' an puffin', and vaginal penile penetration are the most common activities that lead to this terrible affliction. There are millions of new cases every day. If fact, they are orders of magnitude more likely to lead to gettin' knocked up than similar activities like fellatio, dry humping, mutual masturbation, muff diving, tongue kissing, or blowing pot smoke in your cat's ears. And don't believe that just because you've had it once, you've developed some kind of immunity. Au contraire mon père (ou mère), 43% of the sufferers from this affliction have already had it previously and have obviously NOT learned their lesson.

Prevention[edit | edit source]

Men[edit | edit source]

In addition to wearing a condom, a surgical procedure known as a vasectomy can also be performed, which involves minor discomfort. In rare cases can also lead to a man's balls swelling up like grapefuits for a week and require a run of antibiotics. Women who come down with the disease and suffer for months blow up like a fucking balloon and understandably have little sympathy for men's complaints. Abstinence is a means of avoiding babies should be avoided, as this means not having sex. So remember to keep your horse in the barn. And if you do intend on on using him at all, wear a raincoat!

Women[edit | edit source]

Women are the direct sufferers of this illness, and though men may complain of their pocketbooks taking a hit, once again, their complaints are rather petty compared to the plight of millions of women screaming out their lungs in maternity wards, midwiferies and taxis on every corner of the planet. However, relief is easily within grasp. There are a variety of hormonal treatments and devices available which make the woman's body unreceptive to the zygote's lodging in their flesh, as well as surgical and toxological remedies for removal of the organism once it's attached. Abstinence should NOT be considered. A brief look at the chart on the right will show how ineffective this tactic has been in preventing the spread of this disease, aside from the fact that anstinence means not having sex.

Treatments[edit | edit source]

An aborted fetus, displeased by the process.

An experimentive treatment, known as abortion, was coined not long ago for the benefit of many sufferers of STDs. Thanks to this process, the fetus can be easily removed before becoming a baby and inflicting the STD any further. However, abortions has been severly critized by christians and the like for killing the baby in the process. The reasons why anyone would sympathize with such a disgusting, unwrenched, and inhuman parasite, though, is beyond me.

And in case none of that works...[edit | edit source] can always use the fetus for better good.

See Also[edit | edit source]

  1. Thats what she said