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The most famous painting in Van Gogh's Wangst series

Wangst or wankxiety is the condition by which a person has masturbated to the point of anxiety. Generally it takes an extended period of continual masturbation (eg at least once a day for a year or more) to bring on a wanxiety episode, but those accustomed to minimal to no masturbation may experience a wanxiety attack as quickly as three months.

Those who suffer from wangst are usually teenage males who, through one way or another, find themselves single.


Wangst as an ailment is not always easy to spot. Similar to anxiety in the sense that it can cause a person to become irritable, nervous and/or desperate suddenly, wangst sufferers will quickly become irritable towards: couples who are “expressing their love” or girls who reject them. A common theme, however, among wangst sufferers is a misogynistic stance.

Misogynistic tendencies should give even the most concealed wanxiety sufferer away, but as an added measure, a suspected wangst sufferer should be kept under close watch. Such things as a tendency to finish boxes of tissues quicker than usual, excessive porn collections (although, out of context, a great deal of adolescent males may be wrongly diagnosed) and difficulty walking can also help to identify as wangst sufferer.

Those that believe they might suffer from wangst should look out for:

  • Chronic yearning for intimate contact with others
  • Tiredness (due to lack of sleep from night spent masturbating)
  • Blurred vision
  • Frequently breaking out in cold sweats
  • Clammy/sticky palms

Causes of Wangst[edit]

Although specialists in the psychology of masturbation have long agreed that wangst is a very real problem, they are yet to agree upon a full list of triggers for the condition. Some believe that a person may be predisposed to wangst, while others tend to believe that childhood trauma is the main contributor of the condition.

Whatever the case may be they have agreed on several key causes of wangst; including:

  • Excessive and continual masturbation over long periods of time
  • Single for long periods of time
  • Inhabiting areas populated by large numbers of (attractive) potential partners

Experts have also agreed that certain factors can put an individual at a greater risk of suffering from wangst. Those include, but are not limited to:

  • Male
  • Between the ages of 16-26*
  • Enjoying Dungeons and Dragons

*It should be noted that although the most common age for wanxiety is between 16 and 26, there have been several cases of sufferers as old as 42.

Curing Wangst[edit]

Those who suffer from wangst generally recuperate within one to two weeks after finding a partner.

Other cures may include:

  • Join a monastery (not recommended for those with violent bouts of wanxiety)
  • Enlist in the armed forces (not recommended for those with violent bouts of wanxiety; especially the navy)
  • Find a hobby
  • Get over it

The suggestions of joining a monastery or enlisting in the army should be administered to light to medium sufferers of wanxiety only. Those that suffer from heavy to excessive bouts of wangst have been known to find ways to circumvent their desires. This has led to both law suits and unwanted generalisations for both institutions.

Starting a hobby as a way of fighting wangst has proven successful over the years. It follows the adage that “idle hands are the devil’s playground” and allows a sufferer to concentrate on something other than their crippling loneliness. Likewise with the first two suggestions, heavy to excessive sufferers have been known to circumvent their desires, and as such, should be monitored at all times. The handling of livestock, in this situation, is a past time that should be avoided.

The Problem of Wangst[edit]

The problem of wangst is not an altogether straightforward affair. The best cure, as stated above, is to find a girlfriend. This causes a paradox unto itself.

As symptoms of the condition include misogynistic tendencies, the sufferer, while looking for the best cure, is repelling the one thing that can save him. For this reason, it isn’t until some time that a sufferer can even get close to finding a partner. It requires a patient person to see through the wanxiety, to truly understand the wangst sufferer.

Such people, however, are few and far between, and as such, a wangst sufferer will increase their wanxiety every time they are rejected, creating a vicious cycle. A perspective partner is repulsed by the symptoms of wangst, rejects them, (unwittingly) intensifies the symptoms or wangst, setting the wanxiety sufferer up for even more rejection and therefore more wangst etc.

See Also[edit]