Twister (game)

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These girls are the hard core Twister type. Shall we go play?

The game Twister is an erotic pastime for pre-teens and teens, and a challenging yet fun game for retarded children. The game contains multiple rows of different colored dots. These dots indicate where a player must daringly twist their body parts in order to place them upon the dot indicated. Players older than eleven use the game as an excuse to sexually touch the other players. Complaints usually concern player's erections penetrating another player's mouth. Or that someone else's "ass" is in one's face.

The game was invented to allow hormone-driven crazy teens to surprise-sex each other with the excuse of "Oops! My pants and undergarments somehow are now on the floor and I'm engorged!". This usually happens, to the delight on onlookers, because the game and its mysterious "spinner" literally decides every move. Even those that can lead to pregnancy or death.

History[edit | edit source]

Like all good leisure activities, Twister was invented when a couple of guys were bored out of there minds and auto-eroticism failed to relieve the boredom. On a fateful afternoon in the year 1966, Charles F. Foley and Neil Rabens thought to themselves "Goddamn, I wish there was some inconspicuous way of roping a girl into doing the bellyslide push up so I won't need to get my hands dirty." Soon enough, they set their imaginative minds to work and came up with Twister. The game soon revolutionized the party board game market and proponents were endorsing it as "orgy in a box". For some reason, detractors also called it "orgy in a box", which they considered a bad thing for some reason.[1]

Instructions and parts[edit | edit source]

Twister commonly precedes various tainted activities. Here we see Mr. Harrison getting into the position to thrust his member into Lucy's mouth and at the same time preparing to eat her pussy. Additionally, the two men in the back are about to rape the brunette to the right.

The game's instructions are demanding, especially if you're a member of the elderly class (over 25). The game contains multiple parts. First there is the spinner. Second, there is the mat on which the sexual and non-sexual ruckus will occur. Thirdly and lastly, there is the box where player's store this fun-madness and hide their stash from their parents.

  • Spinner: The game involves a long, hard spinner deciding which appendage goes where. The spinner spins. All 360° in fact, round and round and round with a whirly sound like a netted hummingbird. Unless the spinner is faulty, then it sticks about half way around and you have to lube it.[2]
  • Mat: The game is played on a plastic mat to augment the slipping rate of participants so as to maximize the potential for accidental intimateness, as well as to shield the floor from stains. The mat is made from plastic (or in cheaper oriental Twister games, rice paper). It is covered in large colored dots, about the size of a big, fat, juicy pumpkin. Much is made of how funny it looks, but it doesn't look funny at all when girls start stretching all over it.[3]
  • Box: The cardboard box the game arrives in can be used for other purposes, such as lining the vegetable drawer in the fridge, or standing on and irritating (or irrigating) your little sister. Please don't abuse the box by urinating into it. Save that for the plastic mat.[4]

The Game Itself[edit | edit source]

The game itself is as hard and difficult as the instructions imply. When a color and body part is named you have to move that part onto that colored dot. You should be careful because your spine can only twist so much and any more requires traction and home schooling.[5]

Strip Twister[edit | edit source]

Strip Twister is the most fun version of Twister. Whenever one messes up, instead of losing, the player must remove an article of clothing. When one becomes totally naked, face it, everyone is a winner.[6]

Ultimate Twister[edit | edit source]

Body part, your immortal soul. Dot, infinity. Whoops! Ultimate Twister gangnam style.

In 2011 two tech students from MIT teamed up with dozens of bored janitors at Microsoft and invented Ultimate Twister. UT uses the same equipment as beginners Twister (spinner, plastic mat, box) but UT's plastic mat is encoded with ultra-chips using graphene technology and whammo micro-dot power. When two people start to play in an attempt at orgy, their body parts are eerily transmitted and scientificly transported into quantum foam where everything is possible and usually is. Take for example, Rhonda.

Rhonda was your average secretarial student, a bright eyed co-ed wishing for a future filled with several husbands and covertly drained bank accounts. She was the apple of her daddy's eye, the ulterior motive of the class of '11, and the dashing-through-the-snow girl of Ames, Iowa. She went happily along with her oblivious life until her world came crashing down, all because she attended a party at a friend's house and had too much to drink. Rhonda had always loved a good party, and good parties loved her.

Rhonda arrived and a cheer went up from all the men and unattached women, and she greeted everyone with a kiss and a handjob. As the evening wore on, and the whiskey and sedatives were drained, someone had the bright idea to play Ultimate Twister. Another cheer went up, as by this time even the attached women were three sheets to the wind and taking turns blowing the pizza delivery boy in the corner. Even the police who'd been called to quell the noise had joined in the fun, and rode the host like a herd of bucking broncos with badges. Yet when that cheer went up everyone stopped what they were doing and rushed into the living room. They had heard on the internet about Ultimate Twister, and wanted to join in the fun.

The partyguests opened the box, took out the spinner and the plastic mat, and got ready to orgy. Then the spin was spun, Rhonda was asked to put her life on the line as well as on the blue dot, reached her body and mind right in and......

Rhonda, gangnam style

References[edit | edit source]

  1. There's nothing wrong with love, but they still believe love is gross! WHY?! Who are these perverts!! Give me their addresses so I can spurt on them!
  2. Obviously symbolizing male dominance in society.
  3. Do you find us laughing?
  4. The box suggests you should cum on the mat and not on the floor, a practical tip for the feeble minded
  5. I like it this way. My dad tried it and snapped his spine, to the delight of onlookers.
  6. Naked women...and naked men...dancing in the moonlight...where is my plastic mat?

See also[edit | edit source]

Sexual Fetishes, Paraphilias, and Assorted Perversions