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Trig Palin (retard)

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      This is the real story about Bristol Palin's retarded baby, Trig. For a more sophisticated version about Sarah Palin's retarded son, please see Trig Palin
Trig Palin celebrates his first birthday. His presents include a poke in the eye, a toothbrush smeared with lipstick, and a phone that, like his life, will never hook up to anything.

“I'd like nothing more than to have sex with Bristol and Sarah at the same time, while Trig Palin watches”

~ Most men on Trig Palin

Trig Palin (Ironically named, since he will never master counting all his toes, let alone Trigonometry) is a hilariously retarded child made of a little of Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin, Sarah's black-sheep Uncle Fred Phelps, a chimpanzee, and maybe some 80-proof semen forced out of Todd Palin's penis by Sarah while he was lying drunk on the dock. Trig is supposedly Bristol Palin's first child, but this is unlikely when one considers how loose her goose is (we've all been there).

There has been some debate over whether or not Trig Palin actually has Down's syndrome. Many observers claim that Trig's unusual appearance is due to the fact that he is either Asian, simian, or a distant relative of Todd Palin.


The retarded chimp (or some kind of ape) Bristol Palin had sex with.

Trig Palin was conceived in June of 2007 when his soon-to-be mother, a chubby teenager named Bristol Palin, got obscenely drunk at a party. Bristol's friends then dared her to have sex with a retarded chimpanzee. They said it as a joke, but to their surprise and entertainment, Bristol actually went through with it! Bristol claims to have no memory of this event, since it is likely she was so intoxicated that she blacked out sometime during the sexual act, but films of the seduction show Bristol cuddling up to the chimp, ruffling his hair, doing a few slick dance moves, and then offered herself up to him bow-legged and full-frontal.

The retarded chimpanzee has since claimed to have had absolutely no involvement in the conception. None whatsoever. He claims that he has never been to Alaska, will never go to Alaska, and is completely unaware of the waltzing unicorn tattoo on Bristol's left thigh. Friends of the retarded chimp stated that he would never be so negligent as to allow his son to be raised by Bristol or any other member of that family.


Being the only member of the Palin clan with any sense, during Trig's gestation period he fought vigorously for the rights of all unborn retards. Trig lobbied very hard against abortion by issuing several press release from his womb enclosure, expertly pointing out all the retards who made great contributions to society. Some of the retards who went on to drastically change the world, either for the better or the much worse, include Corky from Life Goes On, Dubya, Forrest Gump, Rainman, and a guy on the TV show The Practice. As a result of Trig's efforts he was successfully able to thwart many of Bristol's abortion attempts.

While Bristol was pregnant she went on a strange diet of alfalfa sprouts and baby wolf. Her mother told her that it was an old family recipe that would ward off evil spirits and other ghosts. The sprouts came from a farm down in the lower 48, the wolf pups were hunted down and killed by Sarah on her way in from the car.


Before she knew it, Bristol began to resemble the retarded chimpanzee. That's how she knew her friends were right, and the chimp had fucked her nine ways to Sunday.

Trig Palin's birth had to be handled very carefully to ensure the survival of a retard. The doctor entered the delivery room and said to Bristol, "Okay now, let's see what going on down there." Bristol responded in disgust to the doctor, saying "Ew! I am not going to show you, an old man, my wild, unshaven tight teenage muff." The doctor said, "Bristol, your muff is anything but tight", laughed out loud, and reminded her that he had fucked her last Summer. "Okay Doc, grab another peek." As soon as the doctor bent over to take a look, Bristol's water broke, and she blew her junk all over the doctor's face! This was amusing to Bristol, and the doctor got a kick out of it too. Their shared laughter turned them both on, and they ripped off a quickie.

After Trig's birth, the doctor was stunned and said, "What the fuck is that!" Bristol then said, "Hey, that's my retarded baby!" The doctor responded by saying, "No, I was talking about these huge red bumps all around your anus. I didn't see those last Summer. Did you fuck a chimpanzee?"

Before Bristol could answer, Sarah Palin came storming into the delivery room insisting that she had just given birth to Trig. Bristol was surprised and said, "Mom, if you just gave birth and I did not, then why is my vagina all stretched out?" "Bristol, that's about par for the course, isn't it," responded Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin then grabbed the retarded baby and ran out to give a news conference to claim that she was Trig's mother. She also announced that she was somewhat surprised that he was as retarded as herself and Todd, because "It usually skips a generation."

Speech at the 2008 Republican National Convention

When Sarah Palin spoke at the 2008 GOP Convention she brought Trig up to the microphone with her. Once there, the country heard a speech about the economic relationship between the United States and China, and how it was forged in the back rooms of power by bankers from both countries who had a limited understanding of the average person. Or so Trig thought. What the people actually heard was "GaaaAAAaaaaaaa, mmmmmmmm, blurp, flump."

And then it was Trig's turn to speak.

See Also