This article may be Overly British
- This article is about the popular Melbournian past time, athletics. For the British version of the same definition, see something we'll never be good at.
Going back thousands of years through the anals of time, man's penchant for sport (pronounced spurt) is limitless and bounding. Competition has both raised the blood to passionate fervency and reconfirmed the eternal greatness of mankind throughout the centuries. Among the first sports was rungold, which consisted of one man standing at the top of a hill next to a huge boulder, and another man one hundred paces down. The first man would push the massive rock down the hill, and the object was that the second man had to "return it."
Another early sport was Sokur, an archaic game in which players would kick a round object with their feet with the object being to get the ball into either of two makeshift structures called "nets" (usually made out of tungsten weed, or spiderwebs). This game quickly fell out of favor when it was discovered that the object could be picked up with the hands, eventually leading to modern-day Rugby.
Modern sports include Real Football, Baseball, Kitten Huffing, Curling, Snooking, Sockey, Kitten Hurling, Chucking loads of Elephant Poo at each other, Sailing and Monkey Waxing. Every 5 years the Olympiad is played in these and three other grand sports. It is an international competition open to all nations, which originated with the Geeks, an ancient civilization of people with thick glasses and a penchant for VRML tags. People have been throwin' the pigskin, hurlin stones, and waxing monkeys for decades with no stop in sight. This event is ultra-telecast on multilive video feeds on a number of stations worldwide. The soft drink revenues from the event are in the billions, but hey you don't need to know that, you're too busy watchin koko get a clean wax job.
It is a known fact that the only sure fire way to succeed in school is to fucking kill yourself. If you are on a varsity team, you could theoretically set the school on fire and still be rewarded with As.
Sports and Masculinity
"Sports People" can be divided into two categories:
- Those who play some type of sport: Athletes or Sportsmen (sportswomen must have testicle transplants)
- Those who only watch it: Enthusiasts/Spectators (if restricted to TV, see "Couch Potatoes")
The latter group can be identified by their "conversation" which usually goes like this:
(swearing is also compulsory to prove how butch you are).
If you belong to category 2, the following phrases must be learnt by heart:
- "IF U DONT LIKE SPORTS YOU PROBABLY SPEND YOUR LIFE ON THE COMPUTER PLAYIN MMORPG GAMES AND HAVING VIRTUAL SEX. (unlike me who spends his life watching sport on TV 'cos that's OK, innit?)"
- "i love sports!! (i mean watching sport... you don't expect me to leave my TV do you?)"
For Obsessive Sports Spectating the following requirements must be fulfilled:
- You must be masculine or at least butch.
- You must tell everyone constantly how you hate fags.
- You must also constantly make jokes about "soap on a rope" (if you don't understand this, you have never been in the showers with a bunch of Rugby players).
- You must tell everyone you're not a fag.
- You must not admit to any gay thoughts
- Don't even think about "showering with me mates" or what "soap on a rope" means
- We told you not to think about it!
Top British Sports
The UK is widely known as home of the greatest sports enthusiasts. The most popular sports in the UK are:
- Deportation of Britons to the USA
- Fish & Chips throwing
Stream of Consciousness
- WARNING: Excessive TV sports watching can damage the brain and can lead to you sounding like an Artist!
|“||Sport may be described as, fair, difficult, exciting, perhaps dangerous pursuit of a wild animal, ball, piece of rubber, ect. Who has the odds in its favour, whose courage, strength, speed or cunning is more or less a match for, or superior to our own.||”|
|“||..the hardest sport to play is prashbi wrestling the aim is not to get laid on by the prashbi you have to push it out of the ring this usaly takes 10,000,000 to 50,000,000,000 trys to do it,the world record for push a prashbi out is only 67,594 go's!!!!! but later died of heart attack because it saw its ugly butt!!!.||”|
|“||Strangely though wrestlers enjoy their sport because it gives them an oppurtunity to hug a sweaty hot guy.||”|
Nearly all conversations between Sports Enthusiasts go something like this:
- Enthusiast 1: "Hey, i have something really important i need to show you."
- Enthusiast 2: "Farck yeh, i'll be over in around 30 minutes. I need to watch this match 'cos if I don't yell at the TV my farkin side will lose."
- Enthusiast 1: "Farkin great, bring a soap on a rope"
- Enthusiast 2: "I will"
Two hours later...
- Enthusiast 2: "Sorry im late i was busy punching the shit of me missus 'cos my side lost, the farkers"
- Enthusiast 1: "Farkin great, hey, ive had a farkin great wank since i called you before"
- Enthusiast 2: "You look different"
- Enthusiast 1: "Thanks, ive wanked myself to untold levels"
- Enthusiast 2: "Here's the soap on a rope"
- Enthusiast 1: "Have you ever told you i love you?"
- Enthusiast 2: "Nah mate. But just whip ya pants down and touch ya toes, not that i'm a poofta"
- Enthusiast 1: "blah blah blah ten goals in 1957 and won sportsman of the year in 1833 and again in 1722"
- Enthusiast 2: "blah blah blah blah blah he had the biggest balls and number of wickets last year"
Popular real sports
- Bleach volleyball
- Boxing kangaroos
- Crapping in a bucket from a very high building
- Beer pong
- Cycle polo
- Donkey basketball
- Goldman Sachs
- Goose Hockey
- Hot desking
- Quoting Oscar Wilde
- Wall ball