Snooking

Snooking is a popular sport played by three to seven players, known as snookers. The objective is to produce as much innuendo as possible by causing commentators to utter phrases such as:

“ Now in this situation I would come around from behind and screw in the brown. ”

“ Just look how smoothly he strokes his shaft as he comes over the balls. ”

“ Ronnie just followed through so hard the chalk flew out of his pocket! ”

“ He went a bit too hard into the pink there, and the red has just trickled out. I think he may have got a kick ”

“ He's just spurted his man custard all over the referee's butt-cheeks ”

When a particularly choice phrase is uttered, a player is said to have "cocked a snook".

Related sports are stinking, billying (played by billiards), poole (played only in Dorset) and Belming.

History of Snooking

Snooking was played exclusively for many years by Oscar Wilde who did so by himself until the game was officially invented in 1789 and he was able to turn pro. Renowned for his natty waistcoats and random outbursts of flatulence during opponents' turns Wilde was a controversial character, and retired in scandalous circumstances after it was alleged he sneaked into a tournament venue late at night and replaced all the balls with carefully fashioned spheres of crack. Following this sad episode, it became traditional that every so often in a game, a player would point to one of his balls and the referee, or umpire, would gently fondle the ball in his hands to ensure it had not been replaced with crack. It was generally agreed that this improved the potential for innuendo in the game quite considerably, and thus Wilde's reputation as a top snooker was restored.

In the modern game, such antics are unknown, with consummate professionals like Rockhead Ronnie, Rude Ronnie, Ratsbreath Ronnie, Really-Annoying Ronnie and Slobby O'Sullivan being exemplary sporting ambassadors.

Variants on the game

One problem with the original snooking rules is that while one player is on the table the others must stand by and watch. It was seen that the less able players, deprived of exercise, would start to become sedentary and get fat, often to the point where when their turn came they would not even bother to get up again, but would simply gaze mournfully in the direction of the nearest fast food outlet. A new game was therefore developed where the cues were strapped to the players feet, the playing surface was enlarged and the pockets were replaced by goals. The new sport became known as football (or soccer in the one country in the world where archaic medieval measurement units are still the standard) and has gained a small degree of popularity in obscure corners of the world.

Another variant was spoonerism, which is no longer played due to the invention of the spork. There was also snoozing in which points could only be scored by the player not at the table, and cooking in which points could only be scored by Peter Cook.

Essential snooking literature

The famous book "Fly Snooking", by J. R. Hartley, is regarded as the definitive tome on the sport. Despite the fact that all but seven pages of the book are dedicated to pictures of nude ladies, it is widely felt that no connoisseur of the sport should be without a copy.

Snooking quotes

“ Snooking is a good walk, ruined" ”

— Winston Churchill

“ Snooking is the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable ”

— Unknown

“ Snooking loopy nuts are we, me and 'im and them and me ”

— Some Guy

See also

• Snooker
• Pool
• Your Mom

Billiards