HowTo:Be the fastest runner in the world

Hey there, fatass! Yeah, that's right, I called you a fatass. But it doesn't have to be that way! In a couple short minutes you could be on your way to becoming the fastest runner in the world!!

Why Run?

There are lots of reasons to run, silly. Of course, you will obviously be running to increase your awesomeness and maybe even... I'm going out on a limb here... Get laid? WOAH! WHAT? Yeah. Of course everyone knows runners are a bunch of pansies and that the chicks dig REAL men like those bobsledders and table tennis players. I would suggest either of those fine options to you, my fine strapping young lad, but it is clear that you are neither rich enough or talented enough to become successful at either.

But now, let's not forget the ladies! Women can't run because running is a real sport. Women jog with their girlfriends and listen to their ipods. This is because women are too weak and are afraid of ruining their make-up or their $5000000 lululemon jogging pants. In fact, they wouldn't jog at all except that they don't want to get fat.

As I was saying though -- there are many reasons for running other than increasing awesomenes and/or getting laid. Anyone who uses these reasons is a complete douchebag and they have no place in this howto article.

Preparation & Equipment

I quest for shortshorts!

Now, if you were a lesser, shittier runner, I might just suggest you throw on a lousy cotton t-shirt and crummy pair of shorts along with your 9000 year old Nike Shox. You are not a lesser runner. You are fabulous. You are going to be the fastest runner in the world!

If you are going to be the fastest runner in the world, you must look like the fastest runner in the world. It is imperative. If you look fast, every other runner will shit themselves and drop out of the race upon sight. That, and if you look like a piece of dirt, the ladies will not want to touch you and you won't get that elusive sponsorship money (which you will spend on performance enhancing drugs hookers charities).

The first step, is to grow a really nifty mustache. Then you must grow your hair long so that it looks fabulous when the wind blows it back.

Shoes

Shoes. Where would running be without shoes? Don't answer that. Shoes are actually unnecessary. What, you're worried about blisters, injuries, and dog shit? Pussy. While these may be valid worries now, you will find that they are actually secondary to the true purpose of the shoe. The running shoe's only purpose is to make your disgusting hammertoes sexy and shiny. Now beware -- there are different types of running shoes. You want the small, sexy flashy ones with the metal spikes.

If the sales person at the store you're at tells you you can't/shouldn't wear these except when racing on a track, leave. Just leave. They're jealous and trying to hold you back from becoming the... FASTEST RUNNER IN THE WORLD. Conversely, you could tell them that there is no such thing as running, only racing. Ignore all comments pertaining to Steve Prefontaine.

Now that you've found a store where the sales people aren't sabotaging your career, there are several things you must look out for:

• price - the more expensive the better.
• neon colours - the brighter, the better. Must clash.
• metallic - gold only. Nothing else will do!
• custom - if you're really badass, and are really serious about being the the FASTEST RUNNER IN THE WORLD you would never set foot in a stupid shoe store with stupid washed out runners selling you their bitter losses - you would go and get a custom shoe done which epic-ly supersedes all available shoes on the market AND has your name on it!

Congratulations, now you've got a pair of shoes. However, now that you've wasted all your money you might have missed one valuable style point: barefoot running. What? That's crazy!!!! Well maybe, but you can't be sane and be the FASTEST RUNNER IN THE WORLD. Seriously though. Run barefoot. Especially if you're black.

Shorts & other attire

Women are fat and cannot run.

Of course, you could do like the original olympians, and run naked, but you wouldn't want to do that. It's because you want to get laid. No... no one is impressed with your cock. It's small. And flacid. That's why you're running, not playing a real man-sport like football.

So, to cover that shit up, you're going to need some shorts. So mosey on down to your favourite sports shop and grab every pair of shorts in the place. Try every pair on until you find a pair that's so short that you think your balls may fall out. Then get one shorter. If you can't see your ass cheeks or pubes it's definitely too long.

You will wear your shorts all year round. Yes, even in the winter. You aren't allowed to wear a shirt. Shirts are for pansies.

However, if you're not a shorts kind of guy, you could go for.. dare I say it? Are you ready? Here we go... SPANDEX. Spandex is only for the fastest of runners. Luckily, you are the FASTEST RUNNER IN THE WORLD, so it's all good. The rules of spandex are fairly simple: the tighter, the faster. People should be able to see a clear outline of your package. Another rule is the more outrageous the spandex, the faster. This is the same with all running gear. Conversely, if you really want to be the FASTEST RUNNER IN THE WORLD you would wear head to toe spandex, all black. In fact, all of your accessories must be spandex. Or you will be destined to fail. Epic fail. Speaking of accessories...

Accessories: for posers or the elite?

Accessories are a controversial topic in the world of running. They are what separate the posers from the elite (you), the boys from the men, the losers from the cool kids and the tools from the masters. They will make you. And they will break you. You will be tested on this at the end of the section. It's of paramount importance to your success.

Poser aka... not cool

• jogging stroller - do you want to look like a middle aged cougar-mom trying to burn that baby fat? Minus 1000 points!!!
• water bottle - the extra mass will slow you down by 400 hours every kilometre!!! And you'll look like a wimpy douchebag! Minus 100 points!
• jogging belt - it's like a water bottle, but exponentially less cool... that and it has the word "jogging" in it! Minus 10000000 points!!!
• socks - really... who wears socks? All that extra mass is ridiculous! Minus 50 points!
• sweatbands - what is this... the fuckin' 80s? Minus 60 points!
• iPod - come now folks... if you can concentrate on your music, you're not going fast enough!(That and, your music sucks!) Minus 300 points!
• dog - need I say why this is not an elite accessory, you dolt? Minus 500 points!
• friends - the long distance runner runs alone. All others are too weak and slow for you. Minus 1000 points!
• power drinks, gels etc. - if you're doing a race that's long enough to need one, it's too slow. Minus 50 points!
• shirt - have I taught you nothing? You need no shirt! Minus 100 points!
• racing number - since you're always racing, you don't need one! Everyone knows it's you! Minus 100 points!

Cool, Elite & Fast

• shades - Others are not worthy of your eye contact. +100 points
• spandex gloves - ONLY spandex... all other materials are to be burned! +500 points
• aerodynamic shoelaces - nothing says "hardcore" like aerodynamic shoelaces! +100 points
• No underwear- remember, your shorts are so short your balls are falling out! +50 points
• spandex arm warmers - sometimes your arms get cold when you're not wearing a shirt.... +100 points
• Breathe-Right strip - the paparazzi will not impressed with the snot that will inevitably drip from your nose! +50 points
• compression stockings - this is the only exception to the "no socks" rule. +100 points

Training & Racing Technique

This is the most important section (after equipment and appearance, of course!). It is your superior racing and training technique that will separate you from the boys and the women. Your training technique is fairly simple, if not difficult to follow: you must run. If there is rain, if there is snow, if there is wind, if there is smog - you will run! If you are injured, if you are sick, if you are dying, if you are hungover, if you are tired - you will run! You will not take any bullshit from yourself. You will run from sunrise to sunset. You will not have a job. Not that you are capable of getting one, because you are a talentless moron. You will not have a social life. All you will do is eat (very little), sleep and run.

Whatever you do - don't join a club! The runners in any club will be inferior and undeserving of your talents. In fact, the coaches will try to sabotage your goals. They will feed you bullshit about cross-training, rest days and other nonsense. That's because they are pathetic idiots living vicariously through you. You must not let this happen. You will run everyday, all day and the only acceptable form of cross-training is hardcore groupie sex.

Your racing technique can be summed up as such: if you ain't cryin', you ain't trying. Yeah, that's right fatass! You will run so fast that you wish you were never born! You will spit in the face of Steve Prefontaine! You will make Pre look like a pansy piece of shit! If anyone dares pass you, collapse on the spot and pretend to have a seizure. Never accept defeat.

In fact, you can't have any self respect unless you lap 50% of the other runners in any given race. Even if it's not possible.

Performance Enhancing dru- ... techniques!

Now even after all that flawless advice, it might so happen that you are still not the FASTEST RUNNER IN THE WORLD. Maybe it's because you're not from Kenya, or maybe it's because you weigh more than 20 pounds and have a soul. I don't know. What I do know is, there is a way of fixing this.

Don't worry - it's not cheating. If anyone accuses you of doping, follow in the tracks of other well known (but not as good as you will be) runners - claim that you are hurt by the mere insinuation of such a thing. If this doesn't work, you could always pull an East Germany and employ your own team of scientists and infiltrate the IOC. Hell, you could even pull a China and dope everyone else to make them look bad.

Remember, you're not cheating. You are merely allowing yourself to achieve your true potential. So, son, stock up on that Viagra (it's not banned yet... and will come in handy when you're doing your "cross-training"), your 20 puffers (make a doctor-friend or forge a prescription) and don't forget to donate some blood for yourself at a later date...

What now?

Well now you're obviously the fastest runner in the world. What? You're not? Well, my friend, that is because you fucking suck. I'm sorry. Epic fail. The combined ghosts of Steve Prefontaine and FloJo shit on your life. You are now doomed to a destiny of failure, slowness and ... dare I say it... curling. And you'll never get laid.

and that guy's you, douchebag