Curling

An artist rendition of Ken Shamrock (The World's Most Dangerous Man) at the 2006 Winter Olympic Games dressed in a Silver Surfer costume in a vane attempt to regain entry into international Curling play. He was shot by police as he fled the scene.

Curling is a sport which was invented by Guglielmo Marconi and is considered one of the most physically demanding sports in the Olympic games. Curling is most often played in Canada (aka "Teh Pwn"). Shortly afterwards someone will throw up. Subsequently the mighty god Thor (called Thoranasaurus Sex) becomes enraged and shoots the curlers with Alaskan Malamutes. However, curling has become widely known as the second most boring sport to watch on television, narrowly losing to golf, although ratings have shown a slight increase since the emergence of British Skip Eve Muirhead, who does not wear contact lenses. Famous British Curler Nicola Wyatt hypothesised that she would look better as a brunette as opposed to blonde, but not ginger. No one wants that. Sorry.

Curling for Dummies

Curling is basically the best sport ever invented by some genius, eh! Walking on a frozen lake with big stones and brooms trying to pleasure each other sexually is no where's as much fun as curling is! . After that didn't work they left behind the brooms and rocks which were later found by a bunch of drunk Canadians who promptly invented the game. A curler will push a polished rock down an ice lane while his partners use brooms and shout I LOVE YOU to try to make the ice in front of the rock melt, therefore using magic to make the stone go farther and land in a target for points. This cost two white mana. The "team" (group of high or possibly drunk teenagers or 40 year old men who live with their Canadian mothers), that scores the most points win. If a country other than Canada wins curling, they are brutally tortured by the Canadian Secret Police (CSIS). It should be noted that Curling is often confused with hockey, but only by American Mormons with crack additions.

Basic Rules

Every game is started with a triple headed coin toss. Very few teams lose the coin toss by guessing tails. The game is divided into seven quarters, with each quarter lasting 2.3543 minutes or three "outs" whichever comes first. Both teams consists of exactly 365 pounds of players (366 pounds during leap year). The most important rule of Curling is to be as drunk as possible before the first period. The first team to score sixteen hurls wins. A hurl is when you throw up. You are allowed to use brooms (called brooms) to make hurls go faster. Each team can have two people to use the brooms. (called Janitors) Every curling team has to have a cheerleading group which consists of 9-23 hairy Inuit women dressed only in kilts. Groups must perform one macarena or two lambada performances during a match and are judged on both an interpretation as well as technical score from 0.0 to a perfect 7.94. For nations which don't have women, like Sweden, it is allowed to replace the cheerleading group with a drunk parrot and a karaoke-machine. The only songs that the parrot is allowed to sing are from the Backstreet Boys. Highest score possible is given when the parrot sings "Show me the meaning" at a 50.0% blood alcohol level. (and you're not allowed to win if you are not from Canada, this has already been mentioned)

Curling in the Olympics

In the 2010 Winter Olympics, the whole tournament was delayed for 3 days after the Liverpudlian curlers stole all of the other teams' special (orthopaedic) shoes. The under-performers were without doubt the Canadian ladies team, who despite being one of only two teams in the competition (Great Britain, along with their 12 year old skip, were disqualified after one of the team members was found to be drinking cream soda whilst sweeping), managed to lose to themselves in the final. In the men's competition, Manchester United defeated Canada with an incredible draw shot in the final end by Gary Neville.

In the 1998 Winter Olympics, the Scottish curling team froze to death when they misjudged a butchers freezer for a curling pitch.

Things You Didn't Know About Curling

• In ancient times, the game was known to use human skulls along a faeces covered floor - however this play was abandoned when the rules were re-discovered back in 1975.
• The Scottish team rose from the dead as zombies and are now official mascots for Coca-Cola in Scotland
• The only known cure for Curling is American Citizenship.
• Chuck Norris doesn't brush the ice, the ice moves for Chuck.