Gambling

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Gambling is a method of stealing lots and lots of money really really fast and all the lights go off and WOOO! You're down $50 because that ASSHOLE you call a friend said that you should put your money on the Bears. ASSFUCK. Y'know what you should do? Bring a baseball bat to his house and beat him until the brains come out the back of his head, and who gives a shit if his mom calls the cops? Sometimes, people can get arrested for gambling and therefore end up in jail for it because it totally sucks.

Dude the casino is just down the street and you know the bartender there from grade 7 and I bet he would let you hide in the back-room for $10 like the time when you killed all those cats.

God of Gambling. Call 1-800-555-GMBL you seriously need it!

Gambling Addiction

Like, dude, it's a healthy amount. I only spend 2 hours a day at the slots! and 4 hours at the Blackjack table, and I cut my Roulette down to 12 hours after I got Married, and down to eleven when she had that kid. What's her name? I'm thinking Kathy... I haven't been home in a while, I am prone to forget. I think my one kid is named Smirnoff, I remember because I had downed a whole bottle before I knocked the bitch up. And she named the other Albert, I remember that because he's the one who runs the casino crying every night asking me to come home. Hah. Cute kid.

BUT YEAH, I'm NOT ADDICTED!

When Not to Gamble

Thou shalt not gamble when Darren Brown, no, Derren Brown is in a 5000 yard proximity. Disregard for this rule will result in you losing £5000 of your own money/ getting minor concussion while lashing out at Derren through his body guards/ crying pittifully on his smug shoulder. Or it could result in 2+ of the above. There is one point. Don't do it!

Who's going to the Super Bowl

• $200 on the Eagles
• $300 on the Redskins Commies
• The contents of your 401K (can't believe you still have one) on the Texans
• A Pontiac Aztek on the Cowboys
• 5 hamsters on the Falcons --Hessef
• 9 cameltoes on the Hornets
• Nothing on the Jets
• A six-pack of Labatt Blue on the Bills
• Chewed gum on the Phoenix Coyotes
• Less than nothing on the Chargers
• Your kid's college fund on the Patriots... too bad they lost to the Giants and no longer have Brady.
• An expired coupon good for a free appetizer at Applebee's on the Rams
• Your own soul and a Taylor Swift CD on the Chiefs
• $1,737 and 27 cheeseburgers on the Los Angeles Detroit Western Mountain Lions
• 500 shares of General Motors on the Packers
• A shiny nickel on the Baltimore Ravens --kuribo
• An expired credit card on the Chicago Cubs
• 36 cents on the Broncos
• The toilet upstairs on the Browns

Clint Eastwood Games

Many of the Lake Tahoe area games feature Clint Eastwood. It's good to note that these games are particularly threatening to the average player. Clint continuously taunts you to gamble more with such quips as:

• You call that gambling?
• Do you feel lucky? Then why are you only betting five credits?
• I didn't sell my name to this slot machine so you could play pansy with your penny-ante bets. Be a man. For once in your life, be a man.
• Waitress, this man does not deserve a free drink.
• Scatter progressive enabled.
• You're the lousiest gambler I've ever met. And I've met them all. I guess you wouldn't want your friends to know that you just lost 987.85 on a nickel slot. I guess they'd make fun of you. Well, guess what I'm gonna do?
• Scatter progressive disabled.

But don't worry! It's legal, so it's right!

Much like child abuse, it's entirely legal to run a manipulative casino and kick people out for winning! Yeah, see, it's legal, stop defaming me by saying it's immoral or else I will sue you! And yeah I know, I run a casino AND I beat up my kids for the past couple of years BUT IT IS LEGAL!!! So stop defaming me before I sue you!!!

See also

• HowTo:Beat the odds
• Uncyclopedia Roulette!
• Can I borrow 5 bucks?
• Red Man's Burden