This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
“Do infants injoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?”
“I did not have sex with that woman. Or that one.”
Adultry is good. That's right GOOOOOOD! DO IT! Adultery is said to be, by many, a good old fun time, like going to the circus. And these people are correct. Nothing is more fun than making a life-affirming vow such as those made at your wedding, and then crapping all over them by banging people such as your fellow employee, the pool boy, a stripper... the list goes on. Hell, banging anyone is more fun than having sex with your actual spouse (except children... that's illegal in 48 states and perhaps Canada). But how can you go committing this heinously naughty, yet terribly fun, act? Simple!
In order to have an affair, first you must covet the target you are about to have sex with. Coveting need not take too long- some people have sex without even meeting. For the first-timer, however, try coveting someone you do know, such as the postman, your daddy or mother-in-law, or your kid's kindergarten teacher, or your kindergarten teacher, your cousin (only in Alabama, of course), and of course, you should definitely covet thy neighbor's spouse- that's a classic. If you are coveting someone already, good. Read on.
If not, get to business.
Now that you have coveted someone, do something provocative around said person. If you are a man, drop your pants and make an observation about your genitalia, noting that you have a problem and you need this person to take a look. If you are a woman, simply show some cleavage and you will be having sex in no time.
Okay, so now that you're having sex outside of your marriage, you must go through steps to ensure that your spouse has no idea about your infidelity. No, don't kill your spouse. That makes the sex far less fun. Simply call from the office and say: "Honey, I'm putting in another late night. I won't be home for three days... gotta put in the extra hours, or I won't get that big promotion, you know.", or say: "Dear, I'm going to my sister's house this weekend. Uhh... she doesn't have a phone, so don't call or anything!" Of course, your spouse isn't a moron, and will eventually know that you're not putting in extra hours in order to get a big promotion, or that you're not at your sister's house. Eventually. So be sure to have lots of sex with your new sex buddy in the meantime.
What To Do If You've Been Caught
- Smile and don't panic. Pull up your pants if need be.
- Sit down with your spouse and explain to him or her that you were simply feeling lonely. Shifting the blame onto your spouse will instantly make him or her feel guilty, thus resolving your little problem. Adding that he or she should lose some weight will also help.
- If explaining doesn't work, stop having affairs for a while. Perhaps a week or a month will be okay, giving your spouse time to forget about your romps. During this time, be sure to continue having sex with your spouse. Make-up sex always smooths out the wrinkles of a relationship.
- If your spouse doesn't forget and holds a grudge against you, offer him or her the option of having an affair with his or her co-worker, your child's kindergarten teacher, etc etc etc.
- If all else fails, calmly tell your spouse that he/she had better get checked out.
- Ask them to join in. ;)
- Take out a 'super-injunction' (UK only) so the traditional media cannot touch you, but attack bloggers because a gagging order is insufficent for them.