HowTo:Be a Looter

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Our lawyers (no, not the ones appointed by the judge for our, um, indiscretions, the ones we've hired to defend ourselves from lawsuits from people like you) have told us that following any of the instructions on this page could result in imprisonment, deportation, permanent injury, death, or making you look really really cool in front of your friends. Thus, we have to put this disclaimer up so when you go and do the dumb-ass thing that this article is talking about you won't sue us. Either don't do this thing or do it at a friend's house.

Looting is the act of making anonymous donations (to yourself) during times of disharmony and disaster, as well as accepting such donations.

How to be a Lootee[edit | edit source]

You may already be doing it and not know. Follow these very simple steps to become a lootee:

  1. Figure out where a likely location for a natural disaster or war may be impending. A hurricane, tidal wave, military action, or Jessica Simpson concert. Anywhere where the chain of command will probably break down.
  2. Open a store in the general area there. It can be any type. Make sure it has big thin glass windows. Marking the glass "In case of emergency, break glass" is not needed, as it is universally understood.
  3. Stock it with supplies that will be needed by the people in the general chaos. As much as you can afford to spare. Food, fresh water, and flatscreeen televisons. Also, ammunition, as certain seditionists (police, national guard, etc) who take advantage of the situation will try to stop people from accepting your generous donations, by shooting at them. They should be able to shoot back, especially at helicopters full of such seditionists (or rescuers).
  4. Reap the Karma, as people flock to your store to accept your donations. Watch them on the news, they are popular targets for the media, making heartwarming stories.
  5. After the disaster is over, pack up and move your store to the next likely location.

How to be a Looter[edit | edit source]

  1. If you are ever in the situation of needing anything during a disaster or disharmony, from food to a flatscreen television, and you can't find any open stores, simply break the glass and receive the donations.
  2. Increase your street cred by robbing gunstores. Conveniently, this also provides you with small arms which are useful in fending off rival looters.
  3. Avoid seditionists in black and blue uniforms. Bribing and/or baiting them with donuts or flatscreen televisions often works.
  4. Enjoy!

Origins[edit | edit source]

Looting started in the 19th century with Lucky the Leprechaun. A poor orphan and former snake charmer from the moors of Dublin, he had very little to his name, until the Great Prune Famine of 1851 caused him to get really hungry around lunch time one day in August. He became inspired, and broke into a shop, where he accepted charitable donations from the owner, whom was asleep upstairs. When found, the owner was so proud to be a donator, that he helped Lucky into the local nearby free hostel (called a jail at the time) where he was given free room and board, along with minimal food, for several months, until he could get back on his feet.

After he became wealthy, he started taking sugar coated sugar mixed with candied marshmallows around the world, whereby he would proclaim "They're after me Lucky Charms!", to-whit everyone would stare at him like he was an idiot. However, he did start the famous tradition of looting, and to this he is given due credit.

Allways rember that looting is a two (3) step process:

1. loot

2. after step 1 beg for more loot i.e. \0/ (PTL pass the loot (or praise the lord i got the loot))

3. repeat until tired and proceed to eating the traditional herion and cheese sandwiches followed by pillaging, regurgation of sandwich, sexual arousal,further sandwiches (and associated regurgation)and eventually death,

Famous Lootings[edit | edit source]

  • During the Iraq invasion, the Museum of I Dream of Genie History donated their entire stock to looters.
  • No Orleans is supplying looters with slightly soggy loot in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

"They'll have to gut it and start over. They took everything — all the electronics, the food, the bikes. People left their old clothes on the floor when they took new ones. The only thing left are the country-and-western CDs. You can still get a Shania Twain album." - John Stonaker of Wal-Mart in uptown No Orleans. Shania Twain was unavailable for comment. [1]

  • France is also supplying looters, although its loot is somewhat on the burnt and crispy side, and may smell of teargas.
  • Captain Jack Sparrow sackedFantasyland after the Five-Day War. Looting occurred on a massive scale on the part of the pirates.