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Mind the pussy

“Dam bugger burglar buggered me good.”

~ recently burgled on low opinions of burglars

“Alright give me all your double quarter punders or I'll blow your fuckin' brains out!”

~ The Hamburglar robbing a local Mcdonald's armed with a 12 gauge shotgun

“Stealing from Wal-Mart tends to give me a stiffy”

~ Robbie Coltrane

“I prefer the Hudson Hawk singing style when stealing from Wal-Mart”

~ Ian Burr Chalmers

“Since I don't exactly get the royalties anymore, you can steal my books if you want”

“What's the difference between burglary and robbery?”

Burglary (not to be confused with buggery) is the word given to someone who breaks into their own home in order to annoy themselves. This could also be categorised as self harm. Burglary has rose on many accounts and even has its own helpline for specialist lock picking (Formed by Yale in 1998).

General[edit | edit source]

Burglary in progress

Most burglars wear bright coloured clothes so they can blend in with the local habitat and construction workers. It is thought the louder the outfit worn for breaking in to your own home the more annoyed with yourself you will become (do not try this at home, this is for the most extreme self harmers. It may be a good idea to practice breaking in to a friends house first to see how much pain they go through before inflicting such behaviour upon yourself).

I like to be a turd burglar.

Billy Sepagebum[edit | edit source]

The most famous Burglar known to man has to be Billy Sepagebum aka BBB (Burglar Bum Bill) Unfortunately Bill batted for the other team on most sports day events and was even called into the HeadMasters office on several occasions. During this time it is unknown what happened to bill in the office, however it was later assumed that the HeadMaster had been giving tips to bill, after he was given the golden Head boy award at the end of the year awards.

Different forms of Burglary[edit | edit source]

Cat Burglar

In spring 2006 a book on Burglary (named Burglory) was released in all good bookshops except W H Smiths (because to be honest its pretty shit and always hot in there) for the comfort of burglary victims, it was believed to contain a variety of sections on the different forms of Burglary. Some are described as below.

Back Door Burglary[edit | edit source]

This means for an elderly gentleman to get it on with his speed dating partner behind the Back doors at the local Bingo Hall aka Bingo Banging

Front Door Burglary[edit | edit source]

This act is usually carried out by Jehovah Witnesses in sexy nurse outfits and wellington boots. It is believed they lure innocent residents to the front door by squashing the boobs tight against the front door glass. Once the front door is opened the wellington boots are thrown at the resident as a sign of gods love for shoes, the Jehovah Witness is then invited in for a Herbal Tea (Skunk) and a line of Coke.

Loft Burglary[edit | edit source]

Most commonly carried out by people nicknamed after there acts - Lofty. This is usually done by a naked Welshman carrying an inflatable sheep (Shelia) and throwing the sheep through an external loft hatch. Shelia then runs down stairs and bones the residents pet rabbit. After the act of Loveism has been carried out, the Welshman is then let in to the home of the resident by Shelia. Together they act out loveism one more time in the master bedroom before leaving to paint the town brown.

See also[edit | edit source]