Cake Killers

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Cake killing is the act of destroying, defiling, or otherwise purposefully harming cake in any manner. It is an ancient tradition that has been around since the Middle Ages.

Early History[edit | edit source]

In the Year of our Lord 1251, we upright, non-sinning, Christians were in charge of the world. Sin was at an all time low, and things were looking pretty good. Then one day, the Pope had a vision. In the vision, God spoke to him. He talked to the Pope about the future of the Church, and gave him the secret to winning the Crusades. He then ordered some cheesecake, and said that it was good. He even let the Pope have some, because God's just cool like that. In fact, God liked the cake so much that he proclaimed that cake was his favorite food, and that it was holy. When the pope woke up the next morning, he quickly told everyone else inhabiting the Vatican about what God had told him. Cake was officially proclaimed holy. Everywhere in Europe, Catholics were celebrating, and the Church was experiencing revivals of faith.

At the same time, Europe faced a deadly threat. It was threatening to take millions of Catholics into its evil clutches. And, no, I'm not talking about the Black Plague. I'm talking about Heresy, the deadliest of all sins. When Heretics heard that cake had been proclaimed holy, they were upset. They marched on the Vatican, protesting the decision. However, they were quickly dispersed by all the upright, God-fearing Catholics in the area. The heretics then decided to just file a lawsuit against the Vatican.

Trial[edit | edit source]

The heretics spend the next three years preparing themselves for the case. They then entered the courtroom in the Vatican on the day of the trial. But it seemed as if the more they said, the angrier the jury got. They couldn't figure it out. After the jury dispersed for evening mass, the Heretics tried to figure out what was going on. Why would the jury be so angry with them?

Eventually, one of the Heretic attorneys noticed something. All of the jury members were wearing crosses. It must be that! The crosses they were wearing must contain some poison that excreted large doses of chemicals that make people feel anger. So, as soon as the trial started the next day, all the heretics forcibly confiscated the crosses the Vatican jury members were wearing.

The heretics lost the case by a landslide.

Post-Trial[edit | edit source]

After their inexplicable loss in the Vatican court system, heretics became extremely angry. Some guy decided to show how angry he was at the loss by killing a cake, the holiest of all foods, in front of the Vatican. He was promptly executed. Many Heretics couldn't figure out what to do next. So, for the next three years, they went underground and planned.

God showing his love for the world by removing the evil.

Meanwhile, people were doing great. All the Heretics were gone, so they didn't have to deal with any more blasphemy. The Catholics were just doing what they did best. Nobody was sad, and the Pope declared that there would be a huge Easter Sunday celebration in Rome. It would be the biggest celebration ever. Millions of Catholics attended. But, right when they were about to do Easter Sunday mass, the Heretics attacked. They had planned this whole unholy event two years previously.

A typical Cake Killer. May God have mercy on his soul, because I won't!

While all the Catholics were distracted by prayer, the Heretics placed millions of dead cakes on the ground, right in front of the Pope. When the prayer was finished, the heretics then threw bits of soiled cake at the Pope. Catholics were upset.

They began to argue with them in a polite manner and tell them how they were mildly offended with them. The Heretics tried to run, but were stopped. So began the War on Heresy.

War[edit | edit source]

For the next twenty years, Catholics killed every heretic they could find. If someone questioned their faith at all, they were immediately dealt with. Heretics once again had to hide from God so they wouldn't be burned at the stake.

The message of war had reached the farthest corners of Europe, promoting the Spanish Inquisition, and other great stuff like that. Those evil heretics were being wiped out by God's hand.

Modern day[edit | edit source]

An evil Heretic doing his Pagan ritual at night.

Though the Catholics wiped out all of the Heretics, some still live on. Cake Killing is still their most popular pastime. They kept it as a habit even through all the stuff they've been through. You think they would have learned by now.

You can recognize a Cake Killer by taking a good hard look at them. Use these guidelines to determine if they are a Cake Killer.

  1. Do they like cake? Someone who likes cake would not kill it. They would eat it instead.
  2. Are they obese? Obese people always like cake.
  3. Are they covered in cake crumbs? Actually, this one doesn't help you because they might just be a sloppy eater.
  4. Have you ever seen them at Church before? if no, they might be a Cake Killer.
  5. Was the church Christian? It doesn't count if they go to a non-Christian church. They could very well be a Cake Killer.
  6. If it was a Christian church, was it Catholic? If they aren't Catholic, they aren't a true Christian.
  7. Most importantly: Are they currently in the process of killing a cake?

If you determine that they are a Cake Killer, do one or more of the following, not necessarily in this order:

  1. Hide
  2. Run
  3. Pray to God to smite them.
  4. Smite them yourselves.
  5. Call the police.
  6. Shout obscenities at them.
  7. Kick their ass.
  8. Have Chuck Norris kick their ass for you.

Regardless of how you handle those vile Cake Killers, rest assured knowing they will burn in hell for all eternity because of their wicked sins. Just know that if you ever see a Cake Killer, and brutally murder them, God will surely reward you for it in Heaven. And any reward God gives you is worth going through what will happen when you are sent to prison for homocide. I mean, it's friggin' God!