“W00t!!1! 10 kill streak!”
“Cause we'll have fun, fun, fun 'till daddy takes the T-Bird awa-a-ay”
“The population density of Canada is approximately 3.3 people per square kilometre”
“That's gonna leave a mark. I hope.”
Vehicular Manslaughter is the
art act sport of committing an assault, murder, or blackmail with a vehicle of any sort. It has been rapidly growing in popularity in most countries, especially Vatican City The United States of Idiocracy; it is also being considered for a new event at the summer's special olympics. It is illegal in most countries (the exception being North Korea, or if it is being perfomed on mentally disabled babies), and is punishable by means including probation, fines, prison time, hobbling, and even death. Despite this, it is still considered by many to be the pinnacle of sports, much like a blend of dodgeball, Monster Trucks, and Formula 1. Being on the receiving end is also a great workout.
It is widely believed that Vehicular Manslaughter was invented by Henry Ford on July 16, 1903, roughly thirteen seconds into the demonstration of his new vehicle. People were shocked by the fact Ford's obscenely weak vehicles could withstand the impact with a human being, and for a brief while, vehicular manslaughter was ahead of dog burning as the single biggest cause of arrest. Eventually, though, people were beginning to tire of murder with large steel-and-chrome-death-machines, and popularity began to diminsh.
However, the sport has had a recent surge of activity, with serial killer vans and Military Tank both giving the driver +8 attack and the ability to splatterify just about whatever they encounter, including other cars, the popo, and that labradoodle you never wanted.
HowTo: Vehicular Manslaughter
Hey kids! Wanna have some fun today? Did this article get you bloodthirsty? Are you ready to try this for yourselves? Well guess what! YOU TOO can master the
crime fun of committing murder with a two-ton death-machine- alone or with a group of close friends! HERE is the guide to not only get away with murder but also surviving attempted splatterifying! Won't that be fun? Won't it?
Commiting Vehicular Manslaughter
To begin with, you will need a list of necessary ingrediants:
- A car, either very large or very fast
- A victim (preferably slow)
- A large stretch of pavement on which to chase said victim
The first thing that you're going to do is find your victim. Try to get him when he's not paying attention; it makes him/her easier to catch. Drive your car up behind him and just Mow Him Down! See? Wasn't that fun? Wasn't it??
Escaping Vehicular Manslaughter
Run Drive for your fucking LIFE!!!!!
- Smash or paint over the lights. This will prevent your victim from seeing it coming.
- Always remember: for cars, big is better than fast, but fast is better than slow.
- It might seem fun or cool to attach a combine or spikes or razors to the front of your vehicle, but that just leaves extra unnecessary evidence.
- Using police cars or ambulances is great, as it adds a touch of irony to the situation.
- Steak is delicious.
n'tshoot the victim beforehand, crippling is always helpful.
- Make sure to fill the gas tank before you go out, it is easily
a bajillionten times harder to catch them while pushing the car.
- Look both ways for the fuzz before beginning.
Use the following handy scoring chart to tally up your totals:
Target/Method Point Score Pedestrian 1 Pedestrian over the age of 75 2 Drunk pedestrian 3 Pedestrian over the age of 75 (using a walker) 5 Morbidly obese Pedestrian 5 - Would be more, but it's just too easy Democrat 3 Socialist 5 Communist 10 Protester 25 Occupy Wall Street Protester 50 Terrorist 250 Marilyn Manson 275 Republican 3 Tea Party member 5 Tea Party member brandishing a firearm 55 Fascist 75 Tailgater 5 Tailgater wearing face paint 10 Tailgater wearing face paint who couldn't get tickets so he is still in front of his own trailer home 50 Redneck 10 Rock star 35 Redneck impersonating a rock star 45 Rock star who, without the money and fame, would be a redneck 145 Petty criminal 10 Wanted felon 20 Wanted Felon on FBI's top 10 list 50 FBI Agent looking for a wanted felon on FBI's top 10 list 75 That guy from America's Most Wanted 100 Streaker 5 Sex offender 50 Pedophile 150 - This might actually be legalencouraged in some places Micheal Jackson 300 Foreign citizen 5 Foreign dignitary 25 Foreign ambassador 50 Former foreign President/Premier/King/Prime Minister/Dictator/Divine Appointee 100 Former domestic President/Premier/King/Prime Minister/Dictator/Divine Appointee 150 Foreign sitting President/Premier/King/Prime Minister/Dictator/Divine Appointee 200 Domestic sitting President/Premier/King/Prime Minister/Dictator/Divine Appointee 350 Barack Obama 500 - Note to all Secret Service Agents: This not is a joke, a threat, so if any Secret Service agents come looking for me, it will simply be a good spend of tax dollars...and haven't we not spent enough of those already? Neither I, nor anyone I know would ever plan or even contemplate harming President Obama lie - or anyone else - in any way (all the bad karma he (and every other politician) has accumulated during his life will do that for us.) Seriously. Get a life already. Secret Service Agent 25 - (See Previous Note) Kim Jong-Il 1000 - OK, I lied. This is one guy I probably would consider mowing down. There is a reason motor vehicles are illegal in North Korea you know. Tattoos/piercings Add 1 point per tattoo/piercing Business man in suit and tie 3 Business man in suit and tie holding a briefcase 5 If the briefcase opens and very sensitive corporate or government secrets go blowing around the city 250 Priest/Minister/Clergyman/Missionary/Monk/Rabbi/Imam/Spiritual leader/etc. You lose all your points and you deserve to rot in eternal fires forever!!! (Unless said person actively promotes violence, similar to what you are doing right now, then 300 points.) Tree 1 (minus hospital bill from car wreck) Cow/pig/sheep/goat/deer/elk/moose 0 (But free burgers and steaks are included) If the target is in the crosswalk Base score If the target is jay walking 1.25X Score If the target is on the sidewalk 1.75X Score If the target is asleep in bed 10X Score If the driver is over the age of 75 1.5X score If the driver is not a citizen of the country where the incident occurs 3X score If the driver is blind/quadriplegic 10X score While driving a moped/scooter 2X score While driving a tank 3X score While driving a stolen emergency vehicle (police car, ambulance, fire truck, etc.) 5X score While driving a submarine You win
- That's what she said