Arson

Buddhists are remarkably skillful arsonists.

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“I can’t wait ’til I’m a grownup so I can set things on fire!”

~ a little kid

“I LOVE arson!”

~ Guy Fawkes

Arson is a popular sport worldwide. It is a competition involving the lighting of various objects on fire, and has recently become quite competitive.

History

The English word arson comes from the old Pirate phrase: "Ar, Son, put out yar smokin' stick an' get yar arrse overr heyar" – or in layman terms, "Dearest son/daughter, accompany me [over here] and pray sit upon a chair of your liking."

Arson makes heavy use of fire, which was invented by early mankind or quite possibly MacGyver. However, it was Nero who played the first ever game of arson using the City of Rome. Reportedly, Nero played the fiddle as Rome burnt, but the fiddle had not been invented; therefore, arson is the direct result of some kind of time travel. (Fiddles and togas are both worth bonus points, leading to the popular misconception that Nero's is still the all-time high score.) This first case of arson has inspired arson players to take up the sport all around the world! It has been figured by men in lab coats that arson does lead to imprisonment if you get caught. Imprisonment of such type results in the deduction of half of the player's score. Any arson while in prison is almost as valuable to the game as time travel. It is well known that Powerthirst makes you win at arson among other things.

Sport

Eventually, the Earth Liberation Front (ELF) was set up to regulate and host professional games of arson. The most common categories in judging arson contests are:

• Creativity
• Style
• Injury
• Insurance (profit)

Professionals now look down on other practitioners of the art, whom they say are just arson around.

Anti-arsons

An anti-arson. Note the unnatural contempt.

The main antagonists of the arson way of life are the anti-arsons. These self-proclaimed "firemen" do not start fires themselves, but rather destroy them with water. The fiends roam the streets searching for fires and killing them with water, leaving arsons to die.

Mishaps

Specific steps have to be followed to play a successful game. Mishaps often occur when the final step is forgotten by sportsmen new to arson, confused by its similarity to tennis, e.g. "Game, Set, Match" vis "Set, Match, Run".

Safety

There have been some safety concerns over arson, particularly the recent increase in use of performance-enhancing drugs, which really makes no sense because a bulky man will have no decisive advantage over a skinny man in lighting fires. ELF resolved this by ruling people are "retarded", although fiery debates over methamphetamine still rage.

Tips

• The secret to great arson (as in any sport) is practice. There are houses all over the place to practice with. A serious student will start fires every weekday, multiple fires on Saturday, and rest on Sunday.
• The master arsonist is never seen. Like a ninja, they creep to the location, set their fires, and disappear into the night.
• The master arsonist is often responsible for spontaneous combustion.
• It is considered poor form to burn down a homeowner's insurance agency before burning their house.
• Additional arson points may be earned by making it seem as though the home's residents burned it down.
• The popular drink Power Thirst will allow you to win at both arson and weddings.
• You cannot set a magnet on fire. Or else you will have to explain how Johnny's drawing of a house got burnt.