HowTo:Stalk your ex

“ I dont stalk him anymore”

~ Oscar Wilde

“ It's no surprise, I've been watching you lately, I want to make it with you”

~ Kylie Minogue on Stalking

Love -- it's such a wonderful feeling. When you find that special someone, and you find out that they love you too, you feel like you're walking on cloud nine. However, every relationship goes through temporary rough spots, such as fights and breakups. Did your boyfriend ditch you for some floozy who's twice as thin and half as crazy as you? Did your girlfriend leave you for another woman, citing things like your "lack of feelings" and "violent tendencies"? Now is the time to show them that you really care. Now is the time to consider stalking your ex.

Step 1: Contact them

Most people have a mistaken impression that stalkers lurk in the bushes, waiting for their beloved to pass by. Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, a good stalker always starts out by offering a line of communication. Or twenty.

• Send emails: Email is a nice, non-confrontational method to re-establish communication. Every word you send is another chance for your beloved to truly understand the depth of your feelings and how this time apart is killing you inside. Consequently, write often, and write much. Five one-page emails per day is a reasonable minimum, but you know you have time to write more than that. You don't want them to get the wrong impression that you don't really care, now do you?
• And don't just send emails to your beloved, send it to their family members too, they'll help to show your beloved the error of their ways and make them want to talk to you again.

• Make phone calls: Unlike emails, it's relatively easy to fill up an answering machine, so you must pace yourself. Estimate how often they check their messages, time your calls, and from this, you can deduce how many messages you can leave per day. Remember: wasted space on the machine is space that could have been used to give your beloved another chance to hear your voice and fall desparately back in love with you again.
• Also make sure to have at least 2 messages of heavy breathing per day. Its a winner
• If for some reason they should answer, claim that you had the wrong number, it works everytime you call and they'll never know its you.

Step 2: Work around their attempts to stop your lines of communication

Let's say that, for some inexplicable reason, they haven't come crawling back to you. Worse still, they've blocked your emails and screened your calls. What can you do?

• New email accounts are free. Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo mail, and countless other services will let you register new accounts until your fingers nearly fall off. Unless your ex is a geek with detailed knowledge of spam filtering, you can keep up the communications indefinitely. Anyone who gives up just because their emails were blocked never cared to begin with.

• Pressure his or her friends to make calls for you. You only need them on the line long enough for you to butt in and talk. Sure, it may become increasingly hard to get them to make the calls for you, but if that's not what threats and blackmail are for, I don't know what is.

Remember: "No" means you're not trying hard enough.

Step 3: Lurk in the bushes, waiting for your beloved to pass by

Notice how the white clothes give this person away. Match your outfit to your surroundings, and preferably stalk in low-light conditions. Be subtle.

Yes, it's true: earlier, we said that stalkers don't really do this. But some times, the object of our affection has so much trouble getting it through their thick skull that you'd cut off your own ear just for another minute in their embrace, that you're forced to do what a normal stalker never would. But you're an individual, which is why they used to love you so much, now isn't it?

• Find an appropriate bush. The keys are large amounts of open space inside or behind it, leaves space enough to let you see through but not be easily seen, and to not be overly painful (you'd take pain for your love, though, wouldn't you?) This generally only applies to thorns; a holly bush can make a great stalking blind.

• Trees are just large bushes. Don't be afraid to hide in a tree.

• Manmade objects are just manmade bushes. A mailbox or lamppost will conceal you just as well as your average bush. Try it out!

• Cars are just mobile bushes. If you're worried about having your car recognized, paint it, trade it in, or rent a car for the occasion. No expense is too great, now is it?

Remember: If your beloved passes by, don't miss the opportunity to talk to them. You may need to jog or even sprint to keep up, so exercise regularly.

Step 4: A restraining order is just another way of saying: 'I love you'

Can a piece of paper keep you away from someone you really love, who would love you wholeheartedly in return if they only gave you a chance? Why would you risk eternal true love over some binding legal order? The law doesn't respect your feelings, so why should you respect it?

• Go anyways. Expect the police to be called. This means either leave right after you catch a precious glimpse and exchange a few tension-filled words with your beloved, or be prepared for confrontation. But why risk confrontation, when you can...

• Burn down the courthouse. Attack the records at the source.

Step 5: Creative measures

Give your beloved a bird. You can't *not* take notice of such a gift.

Your attempts to get your beloved's attention just haven't paid fruit yet? Haunted by thoughts of them with their new lover, whispering sweet nothings to each other while you freeze in the bushes outside their window? Let's face it, it's time to get creative.

• When you make phone calls, instead of talking, make sure to breathe heavily, moaning works pretty good too.

• When you watch your beloved sleep from the bushes outside their bedroom window at night, take notes. It shows them that you care. Feel free to take some pictures too.

• When you are watching your beloved from your designated bush, be sure to send them a text message to let them know that you are watching them. Don't forget to compliment them on their attire, be specific. This works best if you do it at night.

• A good way of showing you care is to call up their credit card company and get a second card in your name. They'd want you to have it.

• Send them a box containing your pubic hairs, chicks dig this. For a guy, use a pair of granny panties.

• Send gifts every single day (with your brand new credit card), such as dead animals. Everyone loves animals, but hates to take care of them. These can be presented directly, as gifts -- say, a dead cat on the doorstep (white to symbolize purity, perhaps). But you can do better. Arrange them to spell out messages of affection. Using their innards works great too.

• Lavish gifts. Sneak into their house and leave your love a diamond, a wide-screen TV, or lexus. Also presents a good opportunity to spy and gather intelligence on who your competition is.

• Yourself. Naked works best, but don't just stand there. When your lover arrives, you should be fixing them a meal, or hiding under their bedsheets.

• Searching the internet. Nothing says 'I love you' like finding your ex's hidden blog, honeymoon pictures of her with her new man, and assorted restaurant reviews. It's all part of the game.

• Send viruses to their computer. They should only be using it to communicate with you, anyway.

• Break into their online blog. You can steal their passwords by watching them as they login to their online blog (you may need a pair of binoculars), or by digging through their trash can. You can pretend to be them, and write about their undying love for you, don't forget to leave pictures of yourself on their webpage.

• Find out where they will be at all times, this can be acquired through their myspace, mutual friends, or their calendar (which you can steal), flaunt your utter suprise whenever you see them, accuse them of stalking you.

• Make them a collage. Print pictures of yourself and your beloved off the internet, and paste them onto different backgrounds together. Make it look like you were together at the Eiffel Tower, the Pyramids of Giza, Mount Everest, and where ever they were last night. This would also be a good opportunity to utilize the pictures you took of them while they were sleeping, paste a picture of yourself next to them, make it look like you were sleeping next to them.

Anything you can imagine! Surely you're not so uncreative as to give up, are you?

Remember: Your beloved will need frequent reminders that you know where they live, so let them know on a daily (or hourly) basis.

Conclusion

Quitters are losers, and you're no loser (are you?). Keep at it, and you'll be united with your beloved once again, whether in this world or the next. Only hard work and planning can hasten either outcome.

See also

• Stalkers
• Lurking
• HowTo:Get Over Jenny
• Why?:Am I being stalked?
• S.T.A.L.K.E.R.

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