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“If you were my boyfriend, I’d never let you go...”

Yeah, but which one?

A boyfriend is the male component of a romantic relationship. It's also something your girlfriend is rumoured to have a multitude of at this very moment, unbeknownst to you, but not to everyone else. They all tried to alert you with not-so-subtle warnings that you just failed to heed. "You should keep your eye on that one," said a wide-eyed Grandad, watching her hips swing from side to side as she walked past at the last family party. But you paid his words no mind, even when she let him buy her a drink later that night. This is the sad state of affairs we have to watch unfold every time you go out to social events with the person you foolishly believe is your soulmate.

You're living in a dream world, boyo

Looks like someone left the fridge door open...

The word 'boyfriend' implies a more casual take on a relationship. It merely refers to an individual with nipples but no tits, with whom one shares a connection. If you look closely at the word you might wonder why you initially considered it so meaningful. After all, "boyfriend" is just a conjunction of the English words "boy" and "friend"; the first signifying little more than the subject's gender, and the second merely being a vague label for someone you are acquainted with. Some people consider their cat a friend... just food for thought. There are no guidelines on how significant the relationship should be, whether you're newly courting, life-long companions, or just even general fuck-buddies. And according to both English and Scottish law, there is no limit to the amount of boyfriends you can have. So long as you don't marry any of them, you're free to go skiing twice weekly, and sausage-shopping thrice.

So you thought being a boyfriend would be all blowjobs in cars eh? Well it pretty much is, but you're not a part of it.

When you get down to it, "boyfriend" doesn't mean anything more than a boy who is your friend. Upon close analysis it asserts nothing about monogamy, commitment, romance or even admiration. And even less about love.

But sometimes by pure chance, when the stars align within the cosmic Realm of Love, a somewhat meaningful relationship can spawn from innocent courtship. That's when you're really in the shit, boyo. You become incredibly vulnerable to threats and blackmail. Now that you are engaged and cheating is out of the question (for you), she can put you under duress of a sex strike in order to gain whatever the hell she wants; usually shoes, bags, shoebags or your best friend's cock, which is as fat as a French loaf or so the rumour goes.

But you can take it, right? You're a man, not an animal - you can hold out. So long as she goes to bed before you and doesn't go down, everything will be hunky dory. You think you've asserted yourself. You think that guy's night out is still on the cards. Then she nonchalantly announces that her contraceptive pills are messing her system and that it might be better to stop and "Could we have a baby, honey? Why? Ohhh... I'm depressed. Can you stay in with me instead?" And that, my son, is the bear-trap into which all boyfriends have stumbled. Pussy whips aren't as fun as they sound, let me tell you!

The dream vs. the reality

Boyfriends™ come in a variety of colours and can be shipped today!

These insights could lead you to some discouragement, but despair not. It hurts less if you close your eyes and imagine you're Elvis. That's what me and your mother used to do.

You thought being in a relationship would be all giggling and holding hands in the park? The only thing she's holding in the park is another man's member while you're at home making a nice romantic lasagna for your four month anniversary. It's not really an anniversary at four months is it? It's got to be a year at the very least. And don't look so sad, the park story probably isn't true. It's more likely they're in an alley, or the toilets of a club, or right under your nose - yeah, that's right - how did you not notice when they were making the beast with two backs on your filtrum? Couldn't you at least smell it? Don't cry my boy, have another beer. It'll feel better in the morning. Or worse, whatever.

Hold on tight and never let go.

Yes, this is probably what you imagine when you first had the hunch something was askew in the relationship. All the awful naysayers with their despicable stories as to what your girl is really up to didn't help either, and neither did that online blog (although we're still not 100% sure that was hers, I might have to read it a few more times). No doubt you feel the urge to have her come clean, and that is a horrendous sensation, in your typical boyfriend's mind you would like to expose a truth you very well know is out of your humble reach. Will you live in perpetual denial or will you take the bull by the horns and finally confront her about that guy from her salsa class?

True, she suspiciously adapted her work schedule to dramatically alter the moments you can share together. True, it happens to coincide with the holidays of said guy from her salsa class. True, she once said she finds him "well-preserved", but does that mean it should provide you with some legitimate concerns?


Time to wake the hell up. What in tarnation are you thinking?

I was a boyfriend once...

Indeed, I was as innocent as you are at the present time, believing that my female companion was the best thing that ever happened to me, that we'd never break up and that I'd never get diabetes, until all my hopes came crashing down when I found her with our relationship counsellor in our "love nest". Needless to say I had a bit of a temper tantrum, but since the break-up and the jail sentence, I have had ample time to reflect and come to peace with myself. I now understand her, I have empathy for what she did even though it bestowed a great amount of pain upon me. You see, my boy: I, too, have numerous boyfriends.

More sage advice

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