The Muffin Man
| Frederic Lynwood | |
|---|---|
| |
| Life: | 1563–1612 *
|
| Evil Scale Rating: | 2 – Dumbass, Cook |
| Crimes: | Murder, Baking |
| * His death was by accidental choking. | |
“His muffins suck. His pastries suck. He sucks.”
– Oscar Wilde on the muffin man
Frederic Thomas Lynwood (1563–1612) – also known as The Muffin Man and The Drury Lane Dicer – was England's first documented serial killer, accused of killing up to fifteen children and seven rival pastry chefs between 1589 and 1598.
The nickname is actually a reference to how Fred committed the murders. By local folklore, it is said that he would tie a muffin to a string, and as a child tried to get it, he pulled the string, eventually luring the child to his house and giving him ample time to knock the child out with a wooden spoon. However, people often question whether these children actually died from being beaten with said spoon or from the muffin man's having killed them some other way.
Life
Childhood
Fred was born to Jebidiah and Lauren Lynwood of Drury Lane. Jeb, a local baker at the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen, would often abuse Fred with an iron spatula, and at one point according to his diary, Fred was raped in a traumatic and life changing situation involving a pastry bag, butter, and most importantly a muffin, which is what he had got after his father had finished his "business". Broken, ashamed, and confused, the muffin would later be what symbolized what he would later do in his adult life.
Adulthood
Fred got a job as the local rapist at age 15, a job he would continue with popularity until he was 20, when the King Henry VIII banned peasants from being raped, a result of his unpopularity. He changed his name to Bob for a short period and sold apples out of a barrel on street corners: hence the expression "bobbing for apples". He would then revert to his skills his father taught him in baking.
Fred was never a popular baker. People often complained that there was too much cyanide in their bismarcks, or their baklava contained too many shards of glass. Eventually, his bakery would go out of business, though he would still sell a few pastries to daring teenagers in his hilltop house.
Several years later, with dementia setting in, Fred would setup shop again, though this time he would encounter even more anger for such pastries as "glazed pagan", "arsenic apple crisp", and "the flaming friar". However, he was able to stay in business with these pastries until his death several years later.
The murders
Children would often frequent Fred's shop, and he would be driven crazy because of it. Kids chock full of the sugar and steroids in the pastries he made ran around his shop for hours on end until they needed to go to bed. To stop the flow of children murder would be his choice in the fashion described several paragraphs above. However, as stated knocking a child out with a spoon does not equate to murder in most people's minds, really. The children were still scared shitless and didn't frequent his shop anymore.
Fred was also jealous of and "distanced himself" from other local chefs.
- Chef Randall: drowned in brownie batter
- Chef William: brain-beaten to death
- Chef Carver: too much "BAM!" with a matchlock
- Chef George: flattened with pin
- Chef David: cooked to a golden brown
- Chef Aaron: shaked and baked
- Chef Adam: killed with a mortar after tripping over a pestle
Incarceration
Fred was eventually caught after a sneaking suspicion of foul play by the British police after the death of Chef Adam. He was arrested after a high speed carriage chase as a result of one of his wheels breaking after running over a small stone in the dirt road. By orders of the King he was given a slightly painful slap on the wrist, and then he was set free, only to be pummeled by an angry mob several minutes later.
Death
Several years after the pummeling Fred would be eating his dinner, when he decides to smash a cockroach with his fork, only to hit his hand, causing him to scream and choke on a dumpling. A neighbor attempted to resuscitate him using leeches, but it was too late, he was already dead for several hours. His mother held a funeral service for him two days later.
Post mortem
Fred was buried face down in a log under a former British church, which in 1987 was torn down to make way for a McDonalds. The McDonalds would later go out of business after an incident involving an Egg McMuffin. The franchise would be replaced by a department store, which would be mysteriously burnt down after the construction of a cookie shop. Currently the area where Fred is buried has returned to an undeveloped lot, but it is expected to be the site of a stadium for the 2014 world cup should the UK be able to host it. However, rumour has it he has risen again as a zombie and created a terrorist organisation known as GBM which he will use to reek his revenge.
The song
"Do You Know the Muffin Man?" was used as a warning to small children of the presence of the killer during his life of crime, and to help identify his modus operandi so that children can report him to the authorities. Here is a version of the song annotated in order to help you interpret the lyrics in the way originally intended by concerned parents centuries ago. Note: This interpretation was based on the theories of Doctor Isaac Lynwood (Fred's great grand-nephew by marriage) rather than actual letters between parents detailing the interpretation of the song. It is generally accepted to be the actual meaning of the song.
| “ | Do you know the muffin man/The muffin man, the muffin man? | ” |
YOU WILL DIE. HE WILL EAT YOUR SPLEEN WITH HIS TENDON.
| “ | He lives on drury lane. | ” |
RUN AWAY, CHILDREN! RUN AWAY FROM THE PAIN!
Trivia
- The muffin man was subject of the movie Drury Lane Dicer, featuring Tom Cruise as Fred Lynwood.
- He was referenced once and visited once in the Shrek trilogy, though there is no evidence he had a French accent, nor is there evidence that he had the mental capacity to create a giant Gingerbread man.
- The Gingerbread Man's reference to the muffin man is a reference to an imaginary friend Lynwood had as a child, though it was not a gingerbread man but rather a gumdrop button.
- It is likely that Reke the Talking Muffin is a direct descendant of the muffin man, i.e. menage a trois involving vodka, a spoon, and a blueberry muffin.
- Frank Zappa once used Jeb Lynwood's kitchen as a recording studio. Several years later he would die of prostate cancer.
- Starbucks plans to release the Glazed Pagan pastry in honor of the muffin man.
- The muffin man had several kids, though he retained custody of none of them after the divorce from his wife "Chippy", the neighbor's goat.
- Jack the Ripper was also suspected of being a pastry chef.
- Frederic Lynwood, for one, cares less for cupcakes!
See also
