Jack the Ripper
Jack "Squiggles" Ripper, also known to the younger MTV generation as J-Rip or Japper, was born Jack Abramov in East London, England, sometime in the 1860s. The illegitimate love-child of the world-famous John Merrick and Mary Magdalene, he began his professional acting career at age 4 and studied with Ronald Reagan and Traci Lords. After playing a number of bit parts and walk-ons in London's thriving burlesque circuit, Abramov got his first big break as the star of Queen Victoria's own first-ever all-nude production of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". Abramov's intense research for the role of Dr. Frank N. Furter drove him to kill a bunch of hookers and write some nasty letters to the police.
Due to the US, where he ultimately became a highly trusted advisor and friend to some leading fascists, including Dick Cheney and Osama Bin Laden. He made an even bigger buttload of money screwing some Native American casino owners, who turned out to be almost as greedy and even more stupid than the fascists.
It is a surprising fact that Jack the Ripper, Winnie the Pooh, and Kermit the Frog are distantly related, possessing the same middle name.
It is also widely believed that Jesus is a distant ancestor of the ripper; due to his passion for prostitutes.
Frag list[edit | edit source]
During his Medal Of Honor gaming period in the 1890s he was an amazing marksman. Although he officially played for only 14.5 seconds he established a Frag list eight strong:
- Ben Von Holtum
- Chuck Norris
- Adolf Hitler
- John F. Kennedy
- Bob Hope
- Ian Harvey
- Anna Nicole Smith
- Your mom (his first official killing of a ho)
He earned Legendary status amongst the ranks as he himself was never killed, and was banned from every server within eight seconds of his time on MOH.
Demise[edit | edit source]
After killing a bunch of hookers, Jack the Ripper quantum leaped to the future and made a Facebook account, becoming a prominent member of the "KILL THE DIRTY STREET WORKERS" group. Eventually, he took a lethal dose of methadone as well as a bunch of other drugs. His last words were "i told u i was hardcore".
His mother was doing crosswords in the other room, and when she heard him say his final words, she rushed into the room. She totally found him and read that he was hardcore and lolled.
Resurrection[edit | edit source]
Recently Jack the Ripper has resurfaced after more than a hundred years of hibernation. Witnesses report having seen him at a small Internet cafe in downtown London, ripping several 2006 musical releases in the computer's CD-ROM, including Oral Fixation Vol. 2 by Shakira, the soundtrack for Casino Royale and the album Concrete by Pet Shop Boys, consequently sharing them on The Pirate Bay and on several Direct Connect hubs, much to the dismay of the music industry. Aside from The Pirate Bay and Direct Connect, Jack the Ripper have been seen in both the Soulseek and the eMule file sharing networks, sharing several thousands of illegal MP3 albums. Agents of RIAA's British division, British Phonographic Industry (BPI), have been seen in London, trying to trace his ripping spree, but in vain. Jack the Ripper continues to elude the police and the RIAA with his subtle rip-and-run tactics. Shakira and Pet Shop Boys are his first victims in what is believed to be the beginning of a long ripping spree that may very well lead to the downfall of RIAA and the music industry.
Identity[edit | edit source]
Strangely, although Jack the Ripper's assassination is an indisputable fact, his real name remains unknown to this day. Various theories abound as to his identity:
- Queen Victoria. Unlikely, as digital music downloads caused her to vomit copiously.
- Some Jewish dude. A popular theory amongst psychiatric inpatients.
- Alan Moore, presumably as "research" for his graphic novel, You're a Naughty One, Saucy Jack.
- The Freemasons. Unlikely, as they are known to prefer eight-track tapes to digital music. Or at least that's what they want you to believe.
- The Muppet thing. What's his name again ... Elmo? Yeah, could be him. Never did like the son of a bitch.
- It's really Abramov, people! Ask the Indians!
- The Stranglers.
- A musical theatre group now situated in Oslo, so their story could be put on stage.
- Mr. Kipper, sometimes referred to as Mr. Kipling. Known to bake "exceedingly good cakes" using prostitute parts such as "ginny kidneys".
- Mr. Gibbs.
- Charlie Sheen using his time travelling skills to whack some hoes who tried to jack his shit. He referred to this as "bitchin'".
- Vince Shlomi (the ShamWow guy).
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- A little known fact about Jack the Ripper is that he was one of the first users of the drug Botox.
Not to be mistaken for Jack the Kipper, or Jack the Gipper.
- He enjoyed dressing in women's clothing on the weekends.
Victims[edit | edit source]
It is believed that in his lifetime Jack The Ripper has claimed more than three billion victims. Of this number, about fifty where prostitutes and the rest were CDs. His most prominent victims include:
- Paris Hilton the minus first: An ancestor of the model known as Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton the minus 1st was a prostitute who lived in South London. She was found in eight nasty pieces outside a pub called the "The Ripper Pub" down Croydon Road. It appeared that her chest and crotch were missing, possibly taken as a trophy by the killer but more than likely just not there to begin with.
- Louise Bobbleton Also found dead outside "The Ripper Pub". She was an old woman in her eighties, often mistaken for a walking corpse by the neighbourhood. She was a popular prostitute among necrophiliacs so she made a good living. Her body was severely beaten and bloody, but it appeared this time around that the killer didn't take the chest and crotch as a trophy. This murder started to arouse suspicion that Jack The Ripper may have had connections with "The Ripper Pub".
- Mary Jane Watson Most famously known as the wife of Spiderman, Mary Jane Watson was a very popular prostitute in London. One day, she was found dead in a church. Authorities firstly considered that she may have died of boredom, but ruled this out because church had not been on this particular day. They then found red hand marks on her neck, leading to the conclusion that she had been strangled to death. This case also gave the authorities the first clue about Jack The Ripper's identity – that he went around with red paint on his hand.
- Mary Ann Nichols Nichols' body was discovered at 25:40 on the ground in front of a brothel called Fuck's Row (since renamed Fuckward House). The brothel was about 200 kilometres (124 mi) from the hospital, leading the authorities to warn the hospitals to be more aware of what is going on in the area. Her chest had been removed along with her crotch, meaning Jack The Ripper had seen her sexy enough for his trophy collection.
Jack The Ripper also is known for stealing H.G. Wells's time machine and traveling to 1970s California. Once there, he continued his brutal rampage, but none of his victims were recorded because they were from San Fransisco. However he carried on killing until the year 2000, when Mr. Wells found Jack and sent him back to the 1800s. He stayed there until his death, and didn't live in the year 2000 until his resurrection. Once he resurrected, he continued his rampage, this time on CDs. Some of his most prominent victims of this period include:
- The Westlife Album It was his first CD victim, and no one really cared if someone ripped the Westlife album, so it was a major disappointment.
- Eminem: A black guy from Missouri, who was raped so bad he turned white. He made several rap songs about the rape including; "Lose Yourself (to The Ripper)", "Ass Like That" and his most popular song "Smack That (Sausage)". Eminem suffers from severe anus displacement, which causes his anus to be near his mouth causing him say a lot of shit.
- G-Unit Jack The Ripper made a copy of the G-Unit album. This angered many wannabe gangsters who had paid their ill-gotten money to get the album.
His CD victims have reached the billions now, and Jack The Ripper is now known as the most infamous pirate copier of all time.
Body dump site[edit | edit source]
Recently, the police where called to the scene of one of the most horrifying discoveries of this seven year century. "The Ripper Pub" was knocked down on November 17th, leading to the discovery of Jack The Rippers trophy and body dump area. Upon seeing it, Sergeant Bill Michael Dobinson said, "It was like walking into a sex shop for necrophiliacs." Jack The Ripper's many trophies of women's chests and crotches had not rotted at all, it is believed he continuously washed them with soap and bleach. Investigators say this confirms that "The Ripper Pub" was connected with Jack The Ripper. Also found at the scene were heaps upon heaps of copied CDs, a final count has yet to be made. "I thought I was going to puke when I saw the copied CDs," Sergeant Dobinson said. This development is the tip of the iceberg in the Jack The Ripper case, but it's certainly progress.