Necrophilia
“I wouldn't be seen dead with a necrophiliac!”
“Hey its not rape, because they didn't say no”
“I see dead people!”
“I like it because it feels like im having sex with my ex-wife!”
“Hey, there is never any complaints afterwards!”
| The Holy Symbol of the Necrophiliacs |
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Necrophilia refers to a religious cult who engage in the act of making love to dead philanthropists or other people named Phil. When broken down, and translated from its original French roots, it translates as "dead Phil sex".
Origins
The origins of Necrophilia go back to the times of jesus when a man named Phil, and his followers, The Philanthropists, were persecuted for giving money to help fat chicks escape across the border into Italy. The thought of fat chicks alone enraged the Italians, but as if to add insult to fat-induced-injury, Phil was using the fat chicks to help smuggle Daniel Camerons left testicle into Bulgaria.
As punishment for these crimes of atrocity, Phil and his highly organized, and rugedly goodlooking Philanthropists were given the option of being subjected to either a 3 hour private concert by the then unknown Girls of Spiceius or instead being left alone in a room with the fat chicks they funded, and an infinite loop of sexy music.
All of the captive Philanthropists chose the second option. By the following morning, there were no survivors, and upon closer inspection all of the Philanthropists died from the same injury: crushed lungs, liver, spleen, and heart, with a massive brain explosion. Shortly after news of this broke to the general population of the world, fat chicks flocked from miles around to see the martyrs. At the Philanthropist's funeral there were 1,037 mourning fat chicks, all of whom then took turns to ravage the corpses of the Philanthropists.
After the funeral, the fat chicks formed a new religion now known as Necrophilia, and praised their saviour Phil and the Philanthropists.
After the new millenium necrophilia become a popular with in the circle of the world leaders, so they made it an olympic sport. the event consist of every nation competing on how many dead bodies they can hurl the distance of 24 metres and then rape. Thomas Bradfoth is currently the world record holder in this prestiegeous event and his many sons and daughters have followed in his foot steps and are competing in this years olympics for the country's albernia and spandikavia.
The Rise of the Skeleton Pope
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| Term of office: | 69 AD – Present | |
| Date of birth: | 1 AD | |
| Place of birth: | Rome | |
| Date of death: | 49 AD | |
| Place of death: | Rome | |
| Title: | Leader of The Necrophilic Church | |
20 years after the death of Phil, the few remaining alive Philanthropists decided to dig up his grave to give him a "proper sendoff" into the afterlife. However to their horror, once they had dug him up and pulled him out of the ground, they discovered that he was still "alive". He had no skin, and no internal organs left, and spoke only once, saying "Is it in yet?".
Immediately after their session, the Philanthropists dragged the Skeleton Pope into Rome, before hundreds of astonished people and fat chicks. With that, the Skeleton Pope pointed to the sky. Suddenly a black storm cloud gathered overhead, and a bolt of lightning shot out and hit the Skeleton Pope, who then pointed towards the graveyard, saying "20 years in the ground with no action gets you kind of horny".
It is also believed by many that necrophilia was actually invented by Harriet Tubman in the underground railroad.
Heirarchy of the Necrophilic Church
At the top of the Heirarchy is the Skeleton Pope, the leader of the Necrophiles, his word is said to be infallable, however the only time he is heard to speak is every year during the feast of The Consolidation, and at that point all he usually has to say is "harder" or "faster". The Skeleton Pope is believed to be the reincarnation of Phil, the leader of the Philanthropists. He is based in Rome and has very little media, or daylight, exposure.
Below the Skeleton Pope is the Council of Elders. The Council is believed to be the direct descendants of the Philanthropists, who go drinking and play pool every Friday. They also are in charge of the election of World Leaders.
The World Leaders are chosen by the Council of Elders. They have very little autonomy, and are each believed to be under the direct influence of an Elder. World Leaders are changed whenever their usefulness has expired, in a bid to keep this secret. Fidel Castro of Cuba is believed to be exceptionally useful and as such the Elders have refrained from expiring him on multiple occasions, however Saddam Hussein was no longer considered to be of use, and has since been disposed of.
The Zombie Minions are raised from worthy corpses to lead local congregations in the ways of Necrophilia, they lead followers during digs and always get to go first during their sermons. It is important to note that the Zombie Minions can also be disposed of to avoid suspicion, and each minion only leads their congregation for a maximum of 10 years.
Necrophilia Today
Today necrophilia is practiced worldwide, throughout both the human and animal kingdoms. There are more than 3 million human followers and it's thought that Necrophilia is thought by it's followers to be the only religion which fully respects their dead, as they can still be a part of their church community long after their deaths. Morticians are the most common practicers of Necrophilia, the second common most practicers are the CSI dudes. When the police leave, CSI members are notoriously known for "getting jiggy wit da corpses." Please take that into consideration when you watch the ratings-whore show "CSI". Necrophilia is a grey zone between rape and consexual sex, because the corpse can neither deny or consent to have sex with your creepy necrophiliac ass. Positive benefits to necrophilia are disregard for pregnancy because it's not possible to impregnate a dead body, much like Hilary Clinton.
Necrophilia is also used copiously in funeral parlors around the world, to make a killing (no pun intended) in profit.
| “ | Well, Fuck Me Dead! | ” |
Necropedophile
In these new ages, necropedophilia has risen. It's all the fun of regular necrophilia, but tighter. The usual rule of keeping it warm can be excluded in this event. Its most popular proponents are Cannibal Corpse
Religious Sermons
Every Sunday, the Necrophiliacs go to their local graveyard and dig up a single body. The Necrophiles then take it in turns, with the most senior members of the community going first, to have their way with the body, before returning what's left of it to the ground. The grave is then marked with a spade on the tombstone, as a sign that followers have "been there, done that", as it is considered unholy to use the same body more than once. Every monday evening, a male about 6 feet tall named Phillip McCormick kills a member of his family to engage in intercourse with him.
Religious Holidays
There are three Holy Days in the Necrophilic year.
The Day Off
Celebrated on March 12 every year, The Elders of the Necrophiliac order realized that, since they were in charge of a whole religion and wanted a day off, they could create a religious holiday whenever they wanted. So they did, and took a day off. This then became an annual tradition.
The Consolidation
On September 28, the anniversary of the martyrdom of the Philanthropists is celebrated. Followers annually journey to Rome, where their religion first started, on a pilgrimage. Once there, they take turns to make sweet sweet love to the Skeleton Pope. By doing this, the Necrophiliacs believe they are one, and part of a higher being.
Halloween
Every year on October 30, Necrophiliacs from around the globe dress up as corpses and make sweet love to each other. However there are many cases of mistaken identity as for some reason, this celebration has spread to non-Necrophiliacs in the same way that many Jews celebrate Christmas. As a result, many young children get their first taste of action on this night. This is believed to be the origin of the phrase, "Get in the van, I have candy".
Paleo-Necrophilia
Paleo-necrophilia refers to sexual activity with objects that have been dead for a long period of time, for instance, a mummy, a Neandertal carcass found in a glacier that melted due to global warming, or a dinosaur fossil. Information on the subject as well as video of paleo-necrophilia sex can be found at www.NaughtyPaleontologist.com.
The first necrophile and the origin of the word
Necrophilia was first practised by a Dutchman called Rophy Ilia with nothing better to do later in the not to distant future the Spere people or "footballs" rolled all the way to germany for a holiday they were then captured and were accused of being of jewish origin whilst in captivity in there zoo's they created there own language called the Ec this was a very strange language because of its speech for example "hello my freind" has now been translated to "Cold stiff twat" this often worried the german public. during the night or "deathsex" in speranese the spheres often took people and done...weird things to them finally the nerds and they NEVER got any action...except from Mrs palm and her 5 lovely fingers soon getting bored of her (it) they decided to look into the deaceased and asked themself this question "scince there dead how much action do they get?"...(you want a number?...0!!!!)
now lets recap
N-nerd EC-invented by te sphere people (footballs) ROPHY ILIA-the Dutchman with nothing better to do
N-EC-ROPHY-ILIA
Dangers of Necrophilia
It is not completely safe to have sex with a decayed corpse a very usual Necrophilac injury is caused when maggots flood into the mans penis causing it to burst. Also if you try to lie on top of the corpse it might fall to pieces causing you to drown in rotten flesh.
Also, should you go digging up a grave and the corpse has become a zombie, it's not a very good idea to try to fuck it. However if you wish to attempt to do so, we highly recommend you take protection. Such as condominiums & blessed lubrication.
Revo-Necrophilia
Revo-Necrophilia, short for "Reversed Necrophilia" is the term used when dead people (zombies, ghosts or Keith Richards) rape you without warning. This is one of the major reason that people have morgueaphobia, the fear of working or being in a morgue. Revo-necrophiliamorgueaphobia is the fear that dead people in a morgue will come back to life and hump you.
Some causes of "Revo" include:
Phobiaphobia
Headcrab
Headcrepes
Getting laid by Keith Richards
Watching Black vs White: The KKK Story Produced by Chicken Fangs (No Relation to Red Vs. Blue of Rooster Teeth Productions).
(Note to Revo-Necrophiliacs) When fulfilling your urges, always practice mildly cautious sex. DO NOT use condoms, they have been seen as a sin by the Vatican!!!! (And those guys know ALL there is to know about sex, AMEN)
Famous Necrophiliacs
- Bella Swan
- James Dobson
- Nelson Mandela
- Pope Benedict XVI
- Mohandas Ghandi
- Elton John
- Lestat de Lioncourt
- Thomas Edison
- Marilyn Manson
- All World Leaders
- George Romero
- Pat Robertson
- Mary Magdalene
- Anna Nicole Smith
- Jerry Falwell
- George Bush
- Link (Legend of Zelda)
- Al Gore
- The Teletubbies
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