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Ah, the Riot World Championship of 1936 in Chicago. A memorable come from behind win for the teamsters, who followed that up with victory the following year in Detroit.

A riot is a form of extreme sport, very popular in France, and considered illegal in many countries. A riot usually has two opposing sides - the police and the rioters - but in some international competitions the rioters compete alone. A Riot, much like a decathlon, typically involves competing in multiple disciplines, these include: vandalism, projectile throwing, brawling, window smashing and incineration. Points are awarded in each discipline for causing damage to police (the opposing team), shops, cars and restaurants; state-owned institutions and religious buildings score triple points. Police are awarded points for preventing damage and injuring the Rioters.

Riots are held on normal streets that are normally barricaded off by fences, though riots may be held in a stadium to provide half time entertainment during another sporting match. There have been attempts to hold water riots at numerous venues, but these have been harshly criticized for the difficulty of removing waterlogged cars from the pool and beach ball usage.

Riots are not to be confused with Protests, a poor copy of riots for hippies and people who failed to qualify for riot competition, replacing the highly energetic disciplines of missile hurling and window smashing, with the lazy disciplines of banner waving and sit-ins.

A riot, like chess is a subtle and nuanced game, requiring strategic thinking and a sharp intellect. It takes a special kind of genius to throw a fire extinguisher into a police van, one that cannot be taught. You either have it or you don't. Indeed, Bobby Fischer famously said that if he hadn't got into chess he would have become a rioter.

There have been arguments for Riots to become an Olympic sport, most notably a proposal from famed Dutch rioter Herman Von Smachenlottz in 2004. However when presenting this proposal, Sir Hubert Blockington, deputy head of the IOC, rose to object. "What, What old chum?" he growled angrily. "The Olympics is for gentlemanly sports such as poloh and pipe smoking. Don't you know?. Not for common folk and their vulgar... activities. Absolutely top hole - I must say.!" The IOC unanimously rejected the Von-Smachenlottz proposal.

Riots ensued. Most of the players who take role in Riots on the "rioters" team are Chavs brought up in rougher sides of town. They think rioting is natural. Some of the known sponserships for Riot games include McDonald's, Burger King, KFC, Tesco, Asda, who always happen to be there when riot games are been held. The amount of money they make during riot games is typically around -£10,000. It is typical that ITV and BBC broadcast offiial riot events on the television.

Disciplines of a True Riot[edit | edit source]

Isn't it a beautiful sight. The Riot torch at the 2005 Riot World Championship (RWC) in Paris.
All Rioters must wear a scarf to differentiate them as competitors. A person who has been to 3 or more RWC is allowed to wear a balaclava.

There are five main disciplines for a competitor dubbed a "Rioter" in a sanctioned Riot - vandalism, missile hurling, window smashing and incineration. The role of the side dubbed the "police" is to prevent the Rioters scoring points and mainly to injure as many rioters as possible (which scores the police team points). A typical riot begins with the rioters parading around holding banners and chanting slogans, usually about pressing global issues, before the actual competition begins. The Riot torch is then lit (usually a police car) to signify the beginning of the competition.

Medals are awarded individually, to the rioter with the highest point score, and to the group with the highest point score.

Vandalism[edit | edit source]

The first discipline for the Rioters in a sanctioned riot is Vandalism. A Rioter is awarded points for each object they deface with a spray can, using the system below:

  • Sign - 1 point
  • Window - 1 point
  • Riot shield - 5 points
  • Car - 10 points
  • Statue - 20 points
  • Building - 25 points
  • Your arm - A shower (Spray paint is not a cheap alternative for a tattoo)
  • Your penis - A film on Youtube
  • Your friend's penis - A broken nose
  • Woman - A 14 year prison sentence for sexual assault
  • A symbol of our consumption driven society - The satisfaction of knowing that you have attempted to break capitalism's hold on our society
  • Monarch - Execution
  • President - 1500 points and a day named after you
  • Policebox - Temporary satisfaction but often caught and given community service later by a Lord
  • Kratos - Damnation
  • [ew - Crucifixion
  • Historic building/artwork - More damnation
  • Fluttershy - Love and tolerance plus 10000 points for doing an impossible feat that turns people into stone
  • Jason Voorhees - A machete in the groin
  • Cthulhu - Doom, despair and death, plus fries

Each picture (or in some cases sculpture) is then scrutinized by an esteemed panel of beret wearing French artists who mark it on colour, form, style and lack of relation to reality. Phallic symbols and allusions to lack of transcendence in modern culture are awarded double points, boobs are awarded triple points. The wining rioter is then awarded the converted golden skivvy and a years supply of artistic critique. If the artwork is considered post modern enough it will be entered into, or in some cases returned to, the nearest museum of modern art.

Projectile[edit | edit source]

"And an excellent throw by the Danish youth, thats got to be about 20 points. What do you think Bill?" - Greg "Well Greg that boy has some real talent, just look at his arm movements, he could be a star of the future." - Bill

The second discipline for the Rioters in a sanctioned riot is Missile hurling, considered by many as the most skillful discipline. First the police and rioters assemble at each end of the field, the police forming a distinct line. Rioters then throw projectiles at the police line, points are awarded for the distance and difficulty of the target. Bonus points are awarded if the projectile hits a police officer. Double points are awarded for throwing Molotov cocktails and fire crackers. If you manage to throw fecal matter and get it in the mouth of an officer, you instantly win and we all go for a cup of tea.

The police score points by firing tear gas and rubber bullets at the Rioters. Bonus points are awarded if they hit a Rioter.

Gradually the police line moves towards the rioters (much like space invaders), once they reach the Rioters the Missile hurling discipline is declared over and the points are calculated. This is generally followed by lunch where the Police and Rioters complain about their spouses.

Brawling[edit | edit source]

The Brawling discipline is the most confusing discipline of a riot. Really it is just a huge fight between the Rioters and Police where almost any object can be used. Basically those left standing after the brawl score 100 points, those not, score a massive hospital bill.

There have been allegations that all brawls are staged (like pro-wrestling) and that the iron bars used are actually foam, but these are all firmly denied by the world riot governing body.

In South American riot competition, brawling has been all but replaced with a salsa dancing competition, the winner is decided by number of hip movements and, in some cases, pregnancy.

Window Smashing[edit | edit source]

Double Points. It was Windows XP too.
Page 67 of the International Riot Rule Book, documenting the correct procedure for throwing a Molotov cocktail.

The Window Smashing discipline is a timed event, where the rioters must smash as many windows as possible within an alloted time (usually 1 - 2 hours). The windows can be on anything from cars to Starbucks but double points are awarded for smashing computers using Windows. A rioter receives 2 points for every window they break. When the broken glass is cleaned up it is sent to USAid which then gives it to less fortunate countries as padding in pillows and in teddy bears, each clearly marked with the American flag.

Incineration[edit | edit source]

The Incineration discipline is also a timed event, where the rioters must set fire to as many things as possible within the set time limit. The police score points for each fire extinguished or Rioter sprayed with the water cannon. Thanks to awareness of climate change the incineration discipline may be forced to adopt more sustainable methods to meet its emissions targets, such as torching only hybrid cars and filling Molotov cocktails with biofuels.

  • Toilet - 5 points
  • Car - 10 points
  • Police Car - 15 points
  • Starbucks - 20 points
  • Shop - 25 points
  • Building - 30 points
  • State building - 50 points
  • Coal - -10 points (thanks for contributing to global warming dickhead, now how are we going to meet our emissions targets)
  • Donald Trump's Hair - 10000 (You just did the world a great service)

Running Away[edit | edit source]

This is one of the hardest parts of rioting because of all the bodies strewn about your arena. If you are a rioter and see a police running at you then the game has started. If you are a police, start chasing someone which will also start it. Points are based on how far you ran multiplied by how many people there were multiplied how fast you went. Here's an example: You are a rioter and you run 900 yards going at approximately Kenyan fast and had 3 police on you then you gets a shitload of points because if your going kenyan speed than you must be black. Since your black and you managed to run away from the cops and then you and some other homeboys all ate some grilled chicken at your local KFC. Bonus points follow for this example as:

  • Black- you catch one you get 200 points, as they are known to be fast runners. If you are one and you get away you get 10 buckets of chicken and a get out of jail free card.
  • Mexican - you catch one you get 30 points. Plus you get to make him mow you're lawn for free. If you are the one being pursued and you get away then you don't get deported.
  • White - If you're a black cop chasing a white guy then you get 100 points plus you get to beat the shit out of him for no appearent reason.
* Broken glass - 100 points if you escape by crashing through a storefront window without getting cut. Minus 75 points if they caught you on camera.
  • Looting- While running away, if you pick up stuff depending on the weight and the item points are distributed. Extra points for electronics and large appliances.
  • Pushing- If someone is in your way and you push them over you get 10 points. 100 points for young children/infants/senior citizens.
  • Trip- If you are being pursued and you trip your pursuer then you get 50 points. If you are pursuing someone and you take a shortcut and trip them you get 100 points.
  • Hit and run- If running away turns into a car chase and you manage to hit people you gain 100 points per person and bonus if their body does something cool(like land in fire, fly over your car and hit the polices car).

Closing Ceremony[edit | edit source]

After all the points have been calculated and the winners announced there is a traditional pool party at a local beach or pool, with conga lines, tropical cocktails and water rides. Copious amounts of beer is consumed and the bottles are kept to make Molotov cocktails for the next riot.

Race Riots[edit | edit source]

NO! NO! NO! You stupid American twat!

A race Riot is where the riot competitors compete against the clock to destroy as much property as possible within the alloted time - this may be from 1 hour to 10 days. Points are awarded for each object destroyed; the group with the most points at the end of the alloted time is declared the winner. This creates much rivalry between the competitors, with some even resorting to targeting other rioters to win. A competitor caught doing such dirty play is usually punished with a tear gas penalty or police brutality. Race riots are considered by most respected rioters as an inferior version of rioting for the poor and mentally challenged.

The points are awarded as below:

  • Throwing a rock - 1
  • Smashing a window - 5
  • Throwing a Molotov cocktail - 10
  • Destroying a Car - 15
  • Injuring a police officer - 20
  • Torching a building - 50

The current world record point score for a Team in a Race Riot is 2346807 Points and 1 President Bush by the African American (Black) Team in the 1992 L.A. Race Riot. This is disputed as to their illegal use of Mr.T (who is banned under the Riot Act 1985).

History[edit | edit source]

"We are witnessing history in the making here in Dublin as the legendary IRA score their 100000th point. Sure it has taken them nearly 100 years but it is a momentous achievement for any group." Unfortunately this achievement has been soured by accusations of terrorism.

Riot, pronounced woo-lets-smash-stuff, is derived from the Latin word Riotus which means yay pointless destruction.

The original Riot was first invented by Sir Harold Walter Charlingston, of the Royal Civil Disobedience Gentleman's Club, in 1859. One night, after many whiskeys, he became particularly tipsy and stumbled up to the counter of "The White Horse Inn", where he asked for a refill of his pipe. The boy at the counter refused. For the next 12 nights, violence reigned on the streets of Lancashire, with many a horse and coach torched. During this Sir Harold Walter Charlingston was heard remarking "My word, I am having a riot of a time, this would be a mighty fine sport, old sport."

Riots grew in popularity across the world over the next 50 years, particularly amongst the working class in the USA, with many using the excuse of "I'm going off to riot about rights and stuff" to get out of work and family duties (this is still popular today).

The International Riot Authority (IRA) was formed in 1909 to govern all sanctioned Riots, their first successful sanctioned riot being the Tonypandy Riot of 1910. Unfortunately World War One caused the first Riot World Championship to be postponed until 1920, when it was held in Winnipeg. Unfortunately most rioters could not grasp the multiple disciplines of a true Riot so Race Riots soon became the most popular form of Riot, with True Riots only taking place every 2 years at the World championships.

In recent years True Riots have enjoyed a boost in popularity, particularly in Europe. This may be due to globalisation or sponsorship from many large organizations such as G8 and the EU. Riots are also becoming more popular in the growing markets of India and China.

Junior Rioting[edit | edit source]

Awww. They start so young.

Rioting is a great way to get exercise for all ages, particularly children, as kids love throwing things, having temper tantrums and playing with matches. The next time your kids are bored just hold a riot, it would be great, invite some of your kids friends over and find some minor grievance with a neighbor or, even better, the council. Then give your children rocks or Molotov cocktails to hurl at them, you can even start little competitions, such as, "How many of Mrs Winch's pots can you break" or "How many cats can you set alight". It will entertain your children for hours AND will allow you to take revenge on your bickering neighbors.

If you think your children have real potential as professional rioters take them to your local Little Anarchist Club, who will give them an intensive course on destroying the oppression of {insert target here}.

Tips For Rioting[edit | edit source]

  • If a riot starts join no matter what the reason is just so you can say you have been in one. Plus you will have the opportunity to tip over cars!
  • Make sure you use unleaded gas in your molotovs since gas prices are high.
  • When rioters are trying to flip a car jump on the car's roof to make everyone think your king of the riot. NOTE: The rioters may not even give a damn that you are on the car, they may flip it on you killing you instantly.
  • When riot police make the scene don't throw rocks and trash use a few molatovs. That will send them retreating for sure. NOTE:They may send in a National Guard unit in which means you can start breaking out the RPG's and anti-tank guns! ALSO NOTE:This will indeed turn the riot into a war which while twice as challenging is twice as awesome!
  • When a riot squad starts approaching while beating their billy clubs on their shields try to rally as many fellow rioters to charge in a large mass to possibly make the riot police retreat in fear. NOTE: Riot police may either charge in return, fire tear gas bombs, or continue slowly walking down the street in an menacing manner.
  • If you see a downed policeman in riot gear change into it while no-one is looking and deceive the the police by sabotaging their equipment and vehicles. NOTE: There is a high possibility you will either be seen or caught trying to commit sabotage. ALSO NOTE: There is also a high possibility you will be targeted by your fellow rioters which might or in this case WILL end in death.

Notable Riot Competitions[edit | edit source]

World Championships[edit | edit source]

This is not a riot, it is a bunch of drunk bogans.
This is also not a riot.
Now THAT is a riot or a warzone take your pick.

Starting in 1914:

  • 1914 - Anti-WWI riots.
  • 1915 - Pro-WWI riots in D.C. due to the sinking of Lusitania.
  • 1916 - Women suffrage activists (now known as feminists).
  • 1917 - Russia, the glorious Soviet People's revolution started in St. Petersburg and Moscow.
  • 1918 - Any German-American community.
  • 1919 - St. Louis's "Nigger" hill section.
  • 1920 - Winnipeg, Manitoba of the Canadian Riot League.
  • Also 1920 - Springfield, Illinois of the American Riot League.
  • 1921 - Washington, DC.
  • 1922 - Chicago.
  • 1923 - Greenwood, Tulsa, Oklahoma.
  • 1924 - Paris.
  • 1925 - KKK's peak of influence (race riots in Indiana, Kansas, Oregon and parts of New Jersey).
  • 1926 - Tennessee, by the local redneck creationists over the outcome of the Scopes "Monkey" trial.
  • 1927 - Italian Americans rioted in Boston, after the Sanzo and Vanzetti trial/execution.
  • Also 1927 - Poughkeepsie, New York state.
  • 1928 - Irish Americans angry over the defeat of W.L. Smith, first Catholic presidential candidate (and we now regret having Hoover in there).
  • 1929 - Wall Street stock market crash.
  • None from 1930 - 1934 because of Great Depression, everyone was too busy slitting their own wrists.
  • Wrong: Mass organized workers unionist protests.
  • Also the WWI Veteran protests in Washington DC.
  • 1935 - Germany's Jewish ghettos.
  • 1936 - Chicago and Harlem.
  • 1937 - Chinese tried to push back the Japanese invasion of China.
  • 1938 - Detroit.
  • 1939 - Goose stepping riots on Poland.
  • None from 1940 - 1944 because of WWII, everyone was too busy killing Hitler (Bullshit, what about 1942 and 43?)
  • 1943 - Again in Detroit and the white American heroes fought in the streets of Los Angeles against Hispanic zoot suitors.
  • 1944 - Warsaw ghetto uprising.
  • 1945 - Berlin and Dresden.
  • 1946 - Hiroshima and Nagasaki to revenge for the US A-bombs.
  • 1947 - Jerusalem - the beginning of the Jews (Israeli) vs. Arabs (Palestinian) stuff.
  • 1948 - South Africa when the Afrikaaner National Party brought in Apartheid.
  • 1949 - Reykjavik, Iceland. (only 7 people attended).
  • 1950 - Philadelphia Phillies fans pissed off at the Yankees.
  • 1951 - Public reaction to federal execution of American "communist traitor spies" couple the Rosenbergs.
  • 1952 - Bread riots in Seoul, Korea.
  • also 1952 - Puerto Rico.
  • 1953 - Berlin - The committee hadn't recognized East Germany.
  • 1954 - Persia (Iran).
  • 1955 - Guatemala.
  • 1956 - Hungary.
  • 1957 - Hong Kong.
  • 1958 - Istanbul - when the Turks greased out the Greeks.
  • 1959 - Montreal - GO LES QUEBECOIS.
  • 1960 - Montgomery.
  • 1961 - Birmingham.
  • 1962 - Cuba to get rid of US influence.
  • 1963 - Mississippi burning.
  • 1964 - New Jersey, New York and Philadelphia -

To make up for not holding Championships in 1961 and 1963 several Championships were held in New Jersey, New York and Philadelphia.

  • 1965 - Watts, the dark side of town L.A.
  • 1966 - Cleveland, Chicago and 98 other ghettos.
  • 1967 - Yet again Detroit. The summer of '67.
  • 1968 - Across France, Mexico, Japan, West Germany, Czechoslovakia and the USA wherever black people live -

The largest Riot World Championship ever was held in 1968 in both France and the USA to show their mutual friendship by playing France's most popular sport, over 6 million people attended or participated.

  • 1969 - Stonewall (better than Woodstock).
  • 1969 - Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
  • 1970 - Kent, Ohio -

Very unsuccessful championship, first and last time a Riot World Championship was held on a University campus. Resounding victory to the police.

  • Also 1970 - Hispanics got their Montezoot suitor revenge, known as the Chicano War Moratorium riot in East L.A., ASI.
  • 1971 - Eight straight years of riots in the University of California Berkeley, the greatest college campus rioters of all time.
  • 1972 - Northern Ireland.
  • 1973 - Santiago, Chile.
  • 1974 - Athens, Greece.
  • 1975 - The fall of Saigon, the end of South Vietnam.
  • 1976 - Soweto, South Africa.
  • 1977 - Harlem, the great NYC blackout with some Puerto Rican looters joined in.
  • 1978 - Boston, when the Southside High school Green Irish took on the bussed-in Black Irish.
  • 1979 - San Francisco -

The attempt to merge the Riot World Championship with the Gay Pride Parade Championship was a complete failure, rioting did not ensue. (This attempt followed the success in doing just that at Stonewall in New York City some ten years earlier, though.)

  • 1980 - Miami, Fla. the Afros vs. the Cubans.
  • 1981 - London and other Black British communities.
  • 1982 - Iran, due to Khomeini's continued use of anti-Americanism and the Iraqi invasion of Iran.
  • Also 1982 - Argentina.
  • 1983 - São Paulo, Brazil.
  • 1984 - Los Angeles (the summer olympics).
  • 1985 - Moscow -

In Communist Russia car torches you. This may have been a reason why this riot was boycotted by most western Rioters.

A fantastic competition, with the rioters and police neck and neck until the police piped the rioters at the end with a tank. This competition was marred by allegations, from the rioters, of cheating by the police team.

  • 1990 - Eastern Europe, fought to depose communists from power.
  • 1991 - Crown Heights, Brooklyn - American Blacks vs Hasidic Jews.
  • 1992 - Los Angeles -

Following the success of the L.A. Olympics came the even more successful L.A. Riots, which netted 10 times the audience.

Another former olympic city of 1984, the competition between the Serbs, Croats and Muslim Bosnians turned bloody and deadly. No gold, silver or bronze medals given out. The Winter olympiad stadium was turned into a gigantic morgue-cemetery-memorial park ever since.

  • Also 1993 - Toronto, Ontario and other cities in Canada.
  • 1994 - London.
  • 1995 - Paris and throughout France, whole government on strike.
  • 1996 - St. Petersburg, Florida.
  • Also 1996 - Atlanta, summer olympics.
  • 1997 - Dallas Cowboys, NY Yankees and Chicago Bulls fan riots.
  • 1998 - Jakarta.
  • 1999 - Seattleites decide to party like its 1999, throwing coffee out the broken window of a local Starbucks shop. Starbucks writes it off as advertising expense.
  • 2000 - Worldwide Y2K bug hysteria (never happened).
  • 2001 - Genoa, Italy.
  • 2002 - Salt Lake City winter olympics.
  • 2003 and 2005 - Cincinnati, Ohio.
  • 2003 - Malé, Maldives -

Most competitors just sat on the beach, so it is disputed whether this was actually a Riot.

  • 2004 - Sydney, in nice Cronulla Beach.
  • 2005 - Paris and repeated in 300 towns across France -

Another great victory for the Rioters. Notable for the highest point score in the incineration discipline ever.

Lasting two months, making it the longest riot ever. That sure deserves an "Ali Akbar" from me. Also riots from pissed off Britons, Spaniards and other Europeans over their land being hit by Al-Qaida.

  • 2007 - Karachi, Pakistan -
  • 2007 - Riots regarding the TI-Nspire, mainly at Dallas, Texas
  • 2008 - Around the Manchester area and the tower bridge in London. Noted for the longest traffic jam/war zone on the bridge's history which lasted two days.
  • 2008 - Beijing, China, Summer Olympics.
  • 2009 - Berlin, Germany. A drunken nazi riot begins to take place again by their leader Gustav Gloommler with an all out druken siege of the German parliament which failed ridiculously as they miistakingly destroyed their own headquarters in their drunken rage.
  • Also 2009 - Tehran, Iran.

In 2010, the league was divided into new divisions and conferences, therefore you have more riots occurring.

  • 2010 - Urumuqi, East Turkestan.
  • 2010 - Vancouver, winter olympics.
  • 2010 - D.C. area again this time by college frat drunks.
  • 2010 - Greece, followed by Italy, France, Spain and Portugal.
  • 2010 - South Africa (the same nations, this time over soccer).
  • 2011 - Havana, Cuba and North Korea. Oops, too soon.
  • 2011 - Cairo, Egypt, Largest Riot Championship since Los Angeles 1992
  • 2011 - Vancouver, Canucks riot, 2011
  • 2011 - Oakland, Some jealous hippies known as the "Occupy Oakland" trash city hall sparking a riot beacuse no one agreed with their lazy views and lifestyle.
  • 2011 - Everywhere on Earth. Only one year left, everyone starts to loot stores which turns into a riot.
  • 2012 - London, Summer Olympics.
  • 2012 - End of the World. Chicago Cubs win world series and Republicans take back the senate and presidential office.
  • 2013 - Everybody is mad because the world didn't end, causing mass riots across the globe.

D.C. Riot of 2012[edit | edit source]

Also known as the Republican Revolution in which the Liberal Left fell.

Several Republicans rose against Obama's socialist Reich in order to bring back true democracy. All across D.C., local buildings and structures that were in support of liberal ideals were quickly attacked and ransacked as D.C. Police failed, due to joining the riot.

Cars with Obama support bumper stickers were tipped over and set on fire. The city quickly turned into a massive political war-zone as Riot Squads joined the revolution, due to their low wages and high taxes. Even when the National Guard was sent in, they also were split as the rioters outnumbered the oppression ten to one.

When the revolutionaries laid siege upon the White House, the Secret Service flooded the halls and opened fire on the rioters. Nearby police officers within the vicinity returned fire and demanded the arrest of the agents, due to their Gestapo tactics used upon the people.

Agents were handcuffed and detained by the Police while the rioters breached the Oval Office. Obama was handcuffed and arrested for treason against the state. All Democrats and 3/4ths of the Republicans in the government were all detained as well for treason against America. A lead rioter stood up atop the White House waving a Second American Revolution flag that waved brightly in the amber sunset.

Many Americans felt embarrassed they had to rebel against their own government because of Washington's interest in Europe's style of governing. Soon enough, Direct Democracy was created making Congress go extinct and allowing all bills and legislation be passed through votes by the people.

See also[edit | edit source]