Bosnia and Herzegovina
Bosnia and Herizagvirginiainia
|Anthem: We Gotta Get Out of This Place by The Animals|
|Official language(s)||Spanish, Serbian, Russian|
|‑ Messiah||Joe Biden|
|Declared in 1992, surprisingly Bosnia is a legit country|
|Major exports||Not really sure 🤔|
|Major imports||Paintings of Jesus|
Bosnia, formerly known as the Federation of the Herzegovinans , is a country situated in the Balkans. It is situated off the Mediterranean sea, and is landlocked. The Bosnians are proudly landlocked and celebrate the fact that they have no coastline, which is primarily attributed to the efforts of the Croatian government, which claimed all the land for themselves because they are, to be frank, assholes.
Bosnia was founded in 1992 after the collapse of Yugoslavia when the Bosnian insurgency had a completely peaceful revolt against the nation. This revolt is the first time more than six Bosnians banded together to do something, and it was also be the last.
Thanks to the famously nonexistent coastline of Bosnia, they do not swim, but still place very well in the Olympics in the swimming category. Actually, they don't -- but they tried their best.
Bosnia is actually really old, but they didn't like it enough the first time so they created Yugoslavia sometime before 1992. What happened before the Serbians came in is an absolute mystery. However, we do know that the Bosnians were conquered by the Idiots in the Alps, which really made some guy from Serbia really mad and led him to hurt some important Archduke.
~ Archduke Ferdinand Magellan
After the Serbians took control of Bosnia in what was known as the Treaty of Versailles, the Serbian government realized they were in control of a nation (Yugoslavia) that controlled a mix of different cultures and religions. Aware that the people under their government would be very resistant to their rule, the Yugoslav government did absolutely nothing about it.
Bosnia is a word originating from "Bosnian" which they thought sounded really cool so it stuck. Although, some people still say the name comes from the river that runs through the nation, aptly named "Rwanda".
The Bosnians eventually realized that the Serbians weren't actually their friends, and after coming to the conclusion Yugoslavia wasn't as great as they were promised, they decided to revolt. Aided by Rhode Island and Dunkin Donuts, the Bosnian military successful ousted the Serbian government in the very short Siege of Sarajevo. This siege is known for being really short. After the Serbians were kicked out they realized it was a big mess and left to rule in somewhere safer, life Washington D.C. Turns out that was a mistake, especially after The Incident. The Bosnians eventually would beat the Serbians in the Yugoslav Wars, which ended sometime between now and then. The Bosnians celebrate their independence on the third Tuesday of January because they don't actually know when they ended up winning. Most Bosnian families celebrate their independence by watching the movie Independence Day however many times Bosnia has been invaded by a foreign empire, which is about 8 times. However, people who don't have any family typically find themselves moving to Zimbabwe, the southern neighbor of Bosnia. Anyone who hasn't moved or doesn't have a family will usually cry or watch something weird on their government-issued television.
~ Jeb Bush on his pet dog
Bosnia is highly regarded for its diverse landscapes, primarily done thanks to the work of 5,630 Landscapers that came to the country in 2000 to fix up the rather bland mess that was Bosnia. Before the landscaping event, known as The Restoration of Glorious and Wonderful and Definitely Real Bosnia, much of the country was covered in rubble and debris, originating from an unknown event. The Bosnians would find themselves paying twelve to thirteen pesos to these landscapers, making it the second most expensive project in Bosnian history.
Before The Restoration of Glorious and Wonderful and Definitely Real Bosnia, the geographic world of Bosnia was arguably not even real. Studies show that up to 59% of Bosnia before the The Restoration of Glorious and Wonderful and Definitely Real Bosnia may not have actually existed, or at least belonged to Uzbekistan
~ George W. Bush on crack, probably
These studies advocate that the other 49% of Bosnia, the stuff that mattered, wasn't actually all that fun. Artist depictions of Pre-Restoration Bosnia are rather boring, and that art itself kind of sucks. I think the only way it could be that bad is if there wasn't anything cool to paint. Other people who are actual losers think that Bosnia was a mess before primarily because of the trace radiation that was covered up by the fake grass.
Regardless of the explanation, it has been determined by many means that Bosnia was a mess, and it wasn't quite safe either.
~ Oscar Wilde on Bosnia
The poorly named "Debris" and "Rubble" that covered almost all sixty-seven square kilometers of Pre-Restoration Bosnia would claim the lives of over two people, which is pretty damn high. After Oscar Wilde visited the struggling country saying it was a mess. Afterward, Bosnian Željko Komšic thought it was absurd he had to hear this guy from Wyoming telling them what to do. His outrage led to the agreement among six Bosnian lads, known as Ghengis Khan, Saddam Hussein, Oprah Winfrey and a few other unimportant people that they would hire some top-of-the-line landscapers to fix up their country. After the deal was made, all participants left the country, apart from Željko Komšic and them. After this, they all got a couple of bucks and decided to pay off the local landscapers to get the job done.
There was no restoration. There is no Bosnia. There are no people. It's a lie. You are a lie. There is no escape. There is nothing.
Shortly after the The Restoration of Glorious and Wonderful and Definitely Real Bosnia, the Bosnian landscape was known for its amazing sights and beautiful water features. The northern regions of Bosnia are credited with having the coolest grass in the country, and nowhere else.
Bosnia as a country has an important place in the popular culture and has indeed featured in many movies, the most prominent example being the Cohen Brothers' critically acclaimed "The Big Lebowski" (1998). More specifuckally, the following quote captures the true flair of Bosnia as well as the mindset of its people:
~ Jeff Bridges as Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski
In the exact center of Bosnia there is a really tall stick that some guy stuck there in 1066, he was a big fan of Bosnia, and though he should leave his mark on the country. This stick is known as the Spire and everyone thought it would be cool to build a city around it. Just before they got to it, some asshole from Ireland stole it and put it somewhere in Dublin. What a jerk.
They never got to building that city of theirs, mainly because after the Irish stole it they could find the center of Bosnia. It's a big place, after all. Southern Bosnia doesn't have much there, but I'm sure if you went you could find some cool stuff, maybe a pet duck or an original copy of Super Smash Bros. Brawl which is honestly disgusting. If you are lucky I'm sure they have the answer to the Ultimate Question somewhere around there. It is rumored that Southern Bosnia contains what is known as the Society of Friends hiding there in select places known as cities, these "cities" range from places like Ozbir, Slato, and Plana.
The climate of Bosnia is labeled by two primary aspects. The northern half of Bosnia is often considered temperate in clime, whilst the lower half is known as being a desert, where any signs of civilization are located in the countless oasis locations around the southern region. The Republic of Srpska portions of Bosnia have been called "comlete shit" and "absolutely worst" by National Geographic, The Papacyand the Austro-Hungarian Empire. However, the citizens of Republica Srpska (abrev. P.C.) take great comfort in the fact that they are at least not part of the Federation of Bosnia-Herzegovina that constitutes the remainder of the country. There is a theoretical Bosnian climate located within an alternate dimension known as the Transcendent Plane and the climate there is theoretical, meaning there may or may not be a climate. As a result, the political climate in the country is not exactly great and has the tendency to go from bad to worse from time to time.
The Bosnian government is what is known as an absolute Theocratic Dictatorship. Wherein executive power is exclusively given to the person who is the closest to Jesus. This person is known as the divine lord and appoints a council of 16 priests who elect a high priest.
The Divine Lord practices absolute power over all portions of government with equality and fairness. However, the Divine Lord will often use it's priests to administer their will over Bosnian land. This is done in tiered divisions of the country, which is known as the Triumvirate of Hell. It is named this for the three tiers present in the system. The first system divides the nation into three regions: Federation of Bosnia and Herzegovina,Republika Srpska, and the Brčko District.
The Brčko District is a small region in northern Bosnia which is known for being smaller than the others, thus getting the name tinytown. The residents of this district, however, are no fans of their nickname and have actually declared war on the rest of Bosnia to remove their "tinytown" alias several times. These are known as the Bosnian Wars. These wars are often confused with the Bosnien Wars, which was the conflict that the nation got its independence (as part of the Yugoslav Wars).
The bigger regions, known as theFederation of Bosnia and Herzegovina and Republika Srpska, are actually significant and mean something, unlike the Brčko District. Due to the aforementioned Bosnian Wars, these two regions enforce strict codes on their "little brother", like banning construction on Thursdays and heavy taxes on the popular 90s video game Doom II. These restrictions are known as the Bill of Wrights because everything was written by the Wright Brothers.
The Federation of Bosnia and Herzegovina
This region, which actually includes the name of its mother nation, is the best of the three. It includes historic landmarks throughout the federation and is also required to pay 0.5% fewer taxes than its two sister regions. While most people call the two of the larger regions (Federation of Bosnia and Herzegovina and Republika Srpska) equal in size and power, it's a clear winner that the Federation of Bosnia and Herzegovina is a stronger contestant for the power-club.
The largest city in the Region, Sarajevo I is the largest, and thus first, Sarajevo in the country. This city is known for being incredibly easy to siege, primarily shown in the timely and inexpensive (and uncontroversial) Siege of Sarajevo. While the common person would see an easy-to-siege capital as a weakness, the haste of sieges of this city creates a big convenience for the invading nation, which Bosnia prides itself on providing. While some radical politicians thought they should make the city harder to completely destroy, these politicians did not gain very much power, primarily because the people in Bosnia can't vote. The city itself is the home of over 5,012 people, which includes the High Priest Joe Biden and the Divine Lord himself.
Largely nonexistent. However, the currency is stable due to an increased demand for toilet paper in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic.
Every sixth week of March, the Bosnia people hold a fair election in order to bolster the free and democratic beliefs of the nation's founders. However, every other election that takes place is not fair and most certainly rigged to celebrate their history under the Yugoslav nation. The fair elections are split into three phases, the Selection Phase the Isolation Phase and the Firing Squads. The actual components of these phases aren't well known, as these elections are very rare.
The only time an actual election took place in Bosnia´s history was in October of 2016, wherein they decided collectively that the council of priests would equally support all religions like they always have, and always will. Many people underestimate the religious impact of this election, stating the fact that it did absolutely nothing in proving that the sixty-two million English pounds used in the election were not worth it, however the government-issued census showed that after the religiously tolerant election showed that 0.4% more people decided to not write their names down a significant development.
Bosnia is regarded as possessing the highest concentration of Jews in the world, with 56 followers. Their bolstering 56 followers of Judaism mean that they are 52 followers ahead of the next highest concentration of Jews, Syria. Although they do have the most amount of followers of Judaism in the world, Bosnia actually has an official religion of Islam and non-followers are severely punished through judicial and fair punishments like stoning, hanging, and social isolation. The 56 aforementioned Jews are, as a matter of fact, being actively held either in prison or are hiding from the government, those who are hiding are contained in a list and are actively being chased down.
The main reason Bosnia boasts such a high percentage of Muslims in their country (98.6%) is because of the strict religious laws that do not allow any other religious group to be a legal citizen of the country. However, a lot of people have bypassed this law by lying to the government, something which the government has recently tried to solve by outlawing lies.