Bosnia and Herzegovina

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The Common Absurdistan of Bosnia and Herzegoviniania
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: Volimo muškarce
Anthem: We Gotta Get Out of This Place
Largest cityN/A
Official language(s)Spanish, Serbian, Russian
GovernmentTheocratic dictatorship
Current presidentSejdo Susjedic
‑ MessiahJoe Biden
‑ High PriestHarald Schmidt
 of Independence
Declared in 1992, surprisingly Bosnia is a legitimate country.
CurrencyToilet paper
Major exports🤔
Major importsPaintings of Jesus
National animalNemesis ridiculi
(never mind)

Bosnia (pronounced Boz-nee-uh not Boss-niuh, which in rapid speech sounds too much like Boston), also formerly known as the Federation of the Herzegovinians, is a country in the Balkans. It is situated off the Mediterranean sea, and is landlocked. The people of Bosnia are proud of the fact that they have no coastline, which is primarily due to efforts of the Croatian government that has claimed all the land for themselves. Bosnians generally do not swim.

The country gained its independence in 1992 after the collapse of Yugoslavia when the Bosnian insurgency had a completely peaceful revolt. It was the first time that more than six Bosnians banded together to do something, and it was also to be the last. Bosnia is NOT a part of the EU, which is due to the policies of the EU itself as well as the morons that Bosnians – Bosniaks, Serbs, Croats (pronounced Crow-ats) and others too numerous to mention here – keep electing into the highest offices. However, depending on how you look at it, it can be argued that Herzegovina is inside the EU at least to some degree.

Actually, the stuff here is so messed up that "ceteris paribus" people might just be friendly to you if you should decide to visit.

History[edit | edit source]

Bosnia has been around for centuries. Still, like many other things, it had to be completely reinvented in the early 1990s. What happened before then is shrouded in mystery. What we do know, however, is that around the turn of the last century the country was supposed to be ruled by some moron from the Alps, which made some people in Serbia really mad and culminated in a Bosnian's shooting of an ostrich because he was hungry. It was not very well received at the time and, unfortunately, led to the Great War. To this day historians are scratching their heads as to how that could have happened. The only thing they all agree on is the date. In hindsight, it was a total overreaction – a hungry man needs to eat – but apparently some people are really fond of their animals and a lot of other folks were just itching for a reason to start a war. The following quote actually predates these tremendous tribulations across Europe:

“I’m really not a big fan of the whole Bosnia thing, didn’t go so well the last time.”

~ Duke Archibald Campbell

After the Treaty of Versailles, Serbs took over all of Bosnia and shortly thereafter realized they had serendipitously found themselves in control of a much larger nation of Yugoslavia which was a mix of different cultures and religions. Yet, the government of Yugoslavia did absolutely nothing about it. In retrospect, that might have been a huge mistake. Bosnia–Herzegovina was part of the second Yugoslavia as well whose lifelong president Josip Broz Tito spent a considerable amount of time there, honing his skills as a wartime leader and statesman before ultimately playing host to Queen Elizabeth in 1972. The fact that the man died over forty years ago while Her Majesty led a long, happy and cheerful life until ... well, recently ... has been taken by many as a clear indication that Tito was wrong on socialism. The country ultimately gained its independence twenty years later in 1992.

Etymology[edit | edit source]

Bosnia is a word originating from the adjective Bosnian which kind of stuck, although popular lore claims the name might, in fact, come from the river that runs through the lands named "Rwanda".

“I wish I had some cool stuff to fill in here because ‘etymology’ is a cool word. I bet you don’t know what it means.”

Independence[edit | edit source]

The Bosnians eventually realized that the Serbians weren't actually their friends, and after coming to the conclusion Yugoslavia wasn't as great as they were promised, they decided to revolt. Aided by Rhode Island and Dunkin Donuts, the Bosnian military successful ousted the Serbian government in the very short Siege of Sarajevo. This siege is known for being really short. After the political leaders realized how big of a mess this really was, they left to somewhere safer, like Washington D.C. and Geneva, to negotiate. Turns out that was a mistake, especially after The Incident. The Bosnians eventually would beat the Serbians in the Yugoslav Wars, which ended sometime between now and then, but that's neither here nor there. The important thing is that Bosnia became a sovereign nation, although frankly many did not see that coming. Bosnians celebrate their independence on "the third Tuesday of January" because they don't actually know when they ended up winning. Bosnian families celebrate their independence by watching the movie Independence Day however many times Bosnia has been invaded by a foreign empire, which is about eight. However, people who don't have any family typically find themselves moving to Zimbabwe, the southern neighbor of Bosnia. Anyone who hasn't moved or doesn't have a family typically watches something weird on the government-controlled television.

Geography[edit | edit source]

Bosnia is famous for its diverse landscapes. These were done by 5,630 volunteer landscapers who came to the country in 2000 to fix up the rather bland mess that was Bosnia. Before the landscaping event, known as The Restoration of Glorious and Wonderful and Definitely Real Bosnia, much of the country was covered in rubble and debris, originating from an unknown event. The Bosnians would find themselves paying twelve to thirteen pesos to these landscapers, making it the second most expensive project in Bosnian history.

After the poorly-named "Debris" and "Rubble" that cover almost all sixty-seven square kilometers of pre-Restoration Bosnia claimed the lives of at least two people, a well-known Bosnian Sejdo Susjedic, who is somewhat of a local celebrity and well-liked and welcome in all parts of the country, thought it was absurd that he had to listen to this guy from Wyoming telling them what to do. His outrage led to the agreement among six Bosnian lads, known as Ghengis Khan, Saddam Hussein, Oprah Winfrey and a few other unimportant people that they would hire some top-of-the-line landscapers to fix up their country. After the deal was made, all participants left the country, apart from Sejdo Susjedic and them. After this, they all got a couple bucks and decided to pay off the local landscapers to get the job done.

Pre-Restoration geography[edit | edit source]

Before The Restoration of Glorious and Wonderful and Definitely Real Bosnia, the geographic world of Bosnia was arguably not even real. Studies show that up to 59% of Bosnia before The Restoration of Glorious and Wonderful and Definitely Real Bosnia may not have existed at all, or at least belonged to Uzbekistan

“I’m not saying Bosnia isn’t real, I’m just not going to say it is.”

~ George W. Bush on sumpm. Pro'ly.

These studies advocate that the other 49% of Bosnia, the part that mattered, wasn't actually all that great. Artists' depictions of pre-Restoration Bosnia are rather boring. Historians agree that the only way it could be that bad is if there wasn't anything cool to paint. Other people who are total losers think Bosnia was a mess before primarily because of the trace radiation that was covered up by all the fake grass.

Regardless of the explanation, it has been determined that Bosnia was a mess in many ways, and it wasn't quite safe either.

“This is quite a mess. I don’t like it. I like a lot of things, but not this country – too much of a mess for me.”

~ Oscar Wilde

That last quote is, however, considered by some to be apocryphal.

Restoration age[edit | edit source]

There was no restoration. There is no Bosnia. There are no people. It's a lie. You are a lie. There is no escape. There is nothing.

Modern age[edit | edit source]

Shortly after The Restoration of Glorious and Wonderful and Definitely Real Bosnia, the Bosnian landscape was known for its amazing sights and beautiful rivers. The northern regions of Bosnia are credited with having the coolest grass in the country, and nowhere else.

Bosnia as a country has an important place in the popular culture and has indeed featured in many movies, the most prominent example being the Cohen Brothers' critically acclaimed The Big Lebowski (1998). More specifuckally, the following quote captures the true flair of Bosnia as well as the mindset of its people:

“You know, a lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta what-have-yous. And, uh, lotta strands to keep in my head, man. Lotta strands in old Duder’s head. Luckily I’m adhering to a pretty strict ... uh, drug regimen to keep my mind, you know, limber.”

~ Jeff Bridges as the Dude or His Dudeness, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.
A mission to retrieve the stick from the middle of Bosnia

In the exact center of Bosnia there was a really tall stick that somebody stuck there in 1066 and that used to be recognized as a UNESCO world heritage site. (He was obviously a big fan of Bosnia and thought he should leave his mark on the country.) Then some guy from Ireland stole it. They never got around to building that city of theirs ... Southern Bosnia doesn't have much there, but I'm sure if you went you could find some cool stuff, maybe a pet duck or an original copy of Super Smash Bros. Brawl which is honestly overrated. If you are lucky I'm sure they have the answer to the Ultimate Question somewhere around there. It is rumored that Southern Bosnia contains what is known as the Society of Friends hiding there in select places known as cities, these "cities" range from places like Ozbir, Slato, and Plana.

Climate[edit | edit source]

The climate of Bosnia is divided by two primary aspects. The Republic of Srpska portions of Bosnia have been called "complete crap" and "the absolutely worst" by National Geographic, The Papacy and the Austro–Hungarian Empire. However, the citizens of Republica Srpska (engl. Personal Chechikya, abbrv. P.C.) take great comfort in the fact that at least they are not part of the federation that constitutes the remainder of the country. There is a theoretical Bosnian climate located within an alternate dimension known as the Transcendental Plane and the climate there is theoretical, meaning there may or may not be a climate. As a result, the political climate in the country as a whole is not exactly great and has the tendency to go from bad to worse from time to time. Meanwhile, a lot of folks have moved to more sensible climes, which surprisingly might be your messed up country. All in all, it could be said that the emigration in recent years has been caused by the harsh climate − political, societal and otherwise. To illustrate this point further, let us use one of the more recent events as an example. The EU at some point decided to dump all the illegal migrants en route to Western Europe in Bosnia. The plan backfired spectacularly because the migrants did their utmost to leave Bosnia and Herzegovina and, as they already knew a thing or two about leaving a country, they were rather successful at it. By the time the EU planners realized that Bosnia is halfway between Greece and Austria, it was already too late. Moreover, the winters in Bosnia were too cold for their taste, which is why they generally prefer going to the Scandinavian countries instead. Many Bosnians agree, both those still in Bosnia–Herzegovina as well as those living in Scandinavia themselves. The country is known as a good place to leave.

Government[edit | edit source]


The Bosnian government is essentially an absolute theocratic dictatorship, wherein executive power is exclusively given to the person who is the closest to Jesus. This person is known as the Divine Lord and appoints a council of sixteen priests who elect a High Priest. The current president of the country is Sejdo Susjedic, a high ranking Bosnian politician who has received numerous distinguished awards most notably the Medal of the Golden Apple for ending a long term de facto political coalition between two major parties in the federation. At the same time, Mr. Harald Schmidt, who is currently the High Priest, is not even recognized as such by politicians from some parts of the country.

The divine lord wields absolute power over all portions of the government with equality and fairness. However, he often uses his priests to administer his will over Bosnian lands. This is done in a nontransparent fashion using an incredible, mind-boggling number of layers of government and it is known as the Triumvirate of Hell. The name reflects the fact that the tiered system divides the nation into three regions. The president, on the other hand, has no real power nor influence.

The two larger regions, also known as Croissant–Baliystan and the wonderful and eternal Personal Chechikya (abbreviated P.C.), are actually significant and mean something, unlike the District of Bolivia. The District of Bolivia is a small region in northern Bosnia which is known for being smaller than the others, thus getting the name tinytown. Due to the aforementioned Bosnian Wars, they can enforce strict codes on their "little brother", like banning construction on Thursdays and imposing heavy taxes. The residents of the district, however, are no fans of their nickname and have actually declared war on the rest of Bosnia to remove their alias several times.

This division is enshrined in the constitution of the country that is also known as the Bill of Wrights because it was penned by the Wright Brothers on a sunny afternoon in Daytona Beach. Since the original document has apparently been lost, nobody seems to know what exactly was written in there. The current governmental structure was erected immediately after the Bosnian Wars, not to be confused with Bosniak Wars, which constituted a conflict that led to the nation's independence (as part of the Yugoslav Wars). They rose to international prominence when Joe Biden used the term to perplex everybody and gain an advantage over his political opponents during a televised presidential debate.

The Federation of Bosnia and Herzegovina[edit | edit source]

Proudly including the name of the mother nation in its own, this region is the best of all three. It is loosely made up of the Baliystan and Medjugorje (pronounced Mee-juh-gore-jee) areas, the operative term being "made up". It includes historic landmarks throughout the federation. Its citizens are required to pay 0.5% less taxes than its two sister regions, which means the state takes only slightly more than half of what you earn. While some people call the two larger regions – The Federation of Bosnia and Herzegovina and the Republika Srpska – roughly equal in size and power, evidently the former clearly wins in this regard.

The capital Sarajevo I is the largest, and thus first, Sarajevo in the country. This is the place where the ostrich was shot on that fateful day in 1914. Sarajevo itself is home to more than five thousand people, including the High Priest Mr. Harald Schmidt, Messiah Joe Biden and Divine Lord himself, the latter two of whom have unfortunately still not visited the country since taking over. The city is known for being incredibly easy to siege, primarily shown in the timely and inexpensive (and uncontroversial) Siege of Sarajevo. While some would potentially see an easy-to-siege capital as a weakness, this also creates a huge convenience for the invading nation, which Bosnia prides itself of providing. Moreover, the resulting haste with which sieges of the city have been conducted has made them all fail, with the notable exception of the single instance during the War of Independence in the 1990s. That siege, however, was done by Bosnians who happen to live there. While some thought it prudent to make the city harder to siege and completely destroy in general, political parties who were in favor of this were historically unable to gain power, primarily because people in Bosnia can't vote. That is to say they legally speaking can, but simply don't know how to.

Economy[edit | edit source]

Largely nonexistent. However, the currency is stable due to an increased demand for toilet paper in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Elections[edit | edit source]

The election law prescribes that every sixth week of March the Bosnian people hold a fair election in order to bolster the free and democratic beliefs of the nation's founders. Previously, under the Yugoslav nation, elections were unfair (rigged). The fair elections are split into three phases, the Selection Phase the Isolation Phase and the Firing Squads. The details of these phases are not very well known, as an actual "holding" is quite rare. The only time a real, valid election took place in Bosnia´s history was in October of 2016. The elected representatives then decided collectively that the council of priests would equally support all religions like they always have, and always will, raise pay of all government employees, and make it impossible to fire any of them. Additionally, the basic annual salaries for members of the parliament who voted to pass this set of laws were increased by further 15%. Many people underestimate the religious impact of this election, saying it did absolutely nothing in proving that the sixty-two million US dollars used in the election were not worth it. The government-issued census, however, showed that 0.4% more people had decided to not write their names down. Otherwise, all layers of government in Bosnia–Herzegovina prefer avoiding elections at all cost, out of fear that the current ... uh, elected officials might be voted out of office and lose their privileges.

Religion[edit | edit source]

Brought to you by the Bosnian government

Bosnia has one of the highest densities of Jews in the world, with a total of about a thousand. This is not so much due to a large Jewish community as it is the result of people leaving the country in general. With the economic situation as bad, it is surprising that so many Jews, who are supposed to be smart people, have opted to stay. Anyway, despite boasting such a large number of followers of Judaism, Bosnia actually has an official religion of Islam. The main reason Bosnia boasts such a high percentage of Muslims (50.7% and increasing) is because of the strict religious laws which do not allow individuals from other religious groups to be legal citizens of the country. While a lot of people have bypassed this law by lying to the government, the government has recently tried to solve it by outlawing lies which is likely to only exacerbate the trend further. Non-followers are severely punished through judicious and fair punishments like stoning, hanging, and in modern times mostly social isolation. At least in this limited respect, there are clear parallels to the Judeo–Christian tradition and common ground among all Abrahamic religions. Bosnians are tremendously proud of the fact that this is a place where all three religions can coexist, albeit not in the same place at the same time. On the other hand, sadly, it does make life for everybody else who are really not all that into religion so much harder. Ramadans are long and inevitable, not unlike a thirty-day Christmas where everybody who does not participate is viewed as some sort of Grinch. And, yes, without presents. Many Jews feel, as a matter of fact, that they have been actively persecuted because of this practice and were forced to go into hiding on many occasions, at least temporarily after all there are eleven remaining months in a year. Christians are mainly annoyed by the whole situation.

According to some analysts, clashes between the members of LGBT±AC/DC community and Muslims during the annual gay parade on the streets of Sarajevo have so far been prevented only by the fear of the latter of contracting AIDS, and they have therefore cautioned against possible blowbacks that better sexual education in schools might cause. Banning Muslims from buying latex gloves is considered discriminatory under the current legislation – though it might eventually be done anyway, however, only as a last resort. In terms of diversity, Bosnia is the only country in the world where the monotonous techno beats of a 2-day rave taking place in public are made even more interesting 5 times a day by way too loud calls to prayer from the nearby mosque, all the while David Coulthard drives an old Formula 1 race car right by your window, only for the gay parade to wave the Palestinian flags a few days later, again just in front of the said window. The only upside is that as a countermeasure the taxes on alcoholic beverages, and hence more importantly their price, have been kept low. Mid-grade vodka is available for seven-eight bucks a liter at any old convenience store  ... totally decent stuff, nothing wrong with it. Appropriate chasers are on the shelf right next to it, in case you are a tourist.

All in all it can be said that Bosnia–Herzegovina is a great example of why religion is bad for you. This might, indeed, be what makes it important to the world today and its sole raison d'être. Seriously.