Soviet Britain
People's Republic of Great Britain and Northern Ireland United Okrug Soviet Britain | |||||
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| Motto: "Four Legs Good, Two Legs Bad!" | |||||
| Anthem: "The Beasts of England" - Comrade Napoleon | |||||
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| Capital | Londongrad | ||||
| Largest city | Blairingrad | ||||
| Official language(s) | Englishski , Scouseski (unrecognised) | ||||
| Government | Peoples Коммциіѕт Kingdom | ||||
| Premier | Comrade Davidski Cameronivich | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Comrade Hood, Comrade Wilde, Comrade Brush, Comrade Arsehole, Comrade Bean | ||||
| Established | 1991 | ||||
| Currency | Glorious Pound Sterling | ||||
| Religion | Glorious Коммциіѕт Secularity | ||||
“In Soviet Britain, the piss of Soviet Russia is taken out of YOU!!”
Soviet Britain was formed in 1991 when the Soviet Union collapsed. This left Gorbachev somewhat unemployed. Seeing as the United Kingdom was similar in many ways to his homeland (e.g. geographical size), Gorbachev desided to set up base there. By promising a bunch of sheep inseminators 1,000,000 rubles each, he succeeded where so many others had failed in creating a British Коммциіѕт revolution in which he immediately overthrew Big Brother by thinking about pie at 12pm in a wash exactly 10 miles from big brother on the opposite side of the country drinking vodka instead of tea and talking to J.R.R. Tolkien and Stalin about tea. By the time the revolutionies discovered that 1,000,000 rubels is only worth 10pence (the rubel is one of the most worthless currencies in the world), it was far to late and Gorbachev was safely installed as Premier.
However, as soon as 1996 he had been deposed and the mantel of Premier was taken on by Tony Bairin, who immediatly founded Blairingrad, an entirely fictional city. The Queen retains her position as head of state and although her title has changed to 'Glorious Leader of the Revolution', she still fufills all the duties she did before, including having a politically incorrect husband. Many of Tony Bairin's early ideas were founded upon those of Nivyil Chambirlyinsk.
British Reversal[edit | edit source]
“In Soviet Britain, queue wait patiently for YOU!!”
This is system of reversal similar to Russian Reversal. It exsists only to mock Russian Reversal. The main differance between British and Russian Reversal is that British reversal is highly likely to complain about the weather, climate, the cost of filling up your car, or life in general*. Thus we have:
“In Soviet Britain, cloud rain on YOU!! (always)”
“In Soviet Britain, weather complain about YOU!!”
“In Soviet Britain, Fox hunt YOU!!”
“In Soviet Britain, Jews kill YOU!!!”
Famous Comrades[edit | edit source]
Comrade Hood[edit | edit source]
Long before the birth of the great philosopher, Karl Marx, Robin Hood was already fighting the imperialistic bastards of Ye Olde feudal system. Although labeled a terrorist by the bourgeoise oppressor, the Sheriff of Nottingham, Comrade Hood was a true Коммциіѕт, taking from the Rich and giving to the poor.
Comrade Oscar Wilde[edit | edit source]
Comrade Wilde was an Irish poet (Ireland was entirely British then). At some point during his life he must have done something of note to become one of the heroes of Uncyclopedia. It is rumoured that the dropped his trousers in front of the Queen, that he founded Uncyclopedia and also that he saw Chuck Norris, twice. He is also believed to have had sex with most people. Comrade Wilde became a hero by forcing the imperialist scum to spend long periods of time trying to work out what his sexuality was.
Winston Churchill[edit | edit source]
A great British hero who lived before the Glorious revolution. Whilst not being a lefty, Churchill led Primaeval Britain to VICTORY against the Nazis of Europe and Asia. This may or may not have been done by taking off every spitfire. Chuchill was also the first in the then West to realise that the Iron Curtain was in fact made of iron, and not as the Americans had believed, chocolate, or the French, the line of surrender
Comrade Brush[edit | edit source]
Comrade Brush was one the great heroes of the Glorious Коммциіѕт Revolution. Leaving his role as children's comedian, he led the glorious rebels against the oppressors at the 2nd battle of Londongrad and is best remembered for his war cry of "Ah, Ha Ha Ha, Boom Boom!!!" After our glorious victory, he found himself in an active role in the glorious Politburo. Tragically he was blown up in mysterious circumstances next year.
Former Comrade Premier Tony Blairin[edit | edit source]
Blarin, also known as TCB, or That Cunt Blairski, came to power in 1996 after the fall of Gorbachev. He ruled for over 10 years and was made imfamous by pushing the boundaries of incompetence beyond what was thought humanly possible. Known accomplices include two-fat-Jagski, believed by some to be the ringleader of the teletubby uprising of 1984.
Blairin's hobbies include shiting on the Middle East, in particular Iraq. Tony Blairin eventually left the Gremlin (formerly Downing Street) in 2007 when he relised that if he continued to fuck the country up, there would probally be yet another revolution, most likely ending with his head on a spike. Blairin has now vowed to spend his ill-gotten days as a Middle Eastern annoy, in an attempt to make the lives he has ruined worse still. Should be interesting to see how that goes down when someone tells them.
Former Comrade Premier Brownski[edit | edit source]
When Blairin finally left power, Comrade Brownski, also known as Arsehole Cyclopski, or The One-Eyed Jock, took the mantel of premier. Despite accusations of having no personality, infact at all, Brownski maintains that he models himself on Stalin, which of course is so much better. Whilst not quite such an asshole as Blairin, Brownski has promoted low data security, insisting that the personal details of thousands of British Comrades must be lost to the criminal underground every week.
Comrade Premier Davidski Cameronivich[edit | edit source]
In 2009, Comrade General Cameronivich took power in a military coup (with help from his rather incompetent crony Comrade Cleggski). He reassured the workers of Britain by saying the following at his first public speech:
“People of this glorious nation, let me reassure you that I have no connection to the former hega- I mean heja- (Clegg, do you know how to pronounce this word?) ...uh hedgamonopoly nor am I linked to the old... borgeozziegeorgie? Anyway, I grew as a member of the working class too... uh.... comrades! I most certainly did not study Philosophy, economics and Politics at Oxford University, nor am I an Old Etonian! My great-great-grandfather most certainly was not the London head of the Hong Kong and Shanghai Bank, nor was he involved in arranging loans that were funded by the Rothschild family to Takahashi Korekiyo as monetary support for Japan in the Russo-Japanese War! I am working class through and through, and always have been and always will be.... erm.... comrades!”
– David Cameron on Davidski Cameronski
The speech was applauded by members of the Communist Party, calling his speech "heartfelt", "believable" and "utterly convincing and eloquent". For some strange reason, many international observers claim Britain has "mysteriously" moved rapidly to the right since then, which has been consistently denied by the government.
Comrade Big Brother[edit | edit source]
In 1984 Margaret Thatcher mutated into Big Brother for no real reason at all. For a year, we spent our time at war with Eurasia, no sorry, Eastasia, no wait, er..., Eurasia (WTF I'm confused) and trying to destroy the richest language in the world. In 1984, however, the mind of Big Brother decided to leave (no reason was ever given, but it may be because George Orwell was long dead in 1958) and thus the physical form became Maggie yet again until 1991. Comrade Brother, it seems, floated across the ether, finally manifesting himself as Vladimir Putin (some nobody person in non-Soviet Russia). It also appears that Big Brother is responsible for a programme in which millions watch a heap of derainged lunanics:
- wander about half dressed,
- complain about comstipation
- have random and surprise sex
- and cause international rows
Bastard has no hat allwise, oh NOES!!!
Comrade Neil Clark[edit | edit source]
A one man Stasi, Neil Clark will come after you in the middle of the night and drain your body of blood. No sorry, that was Dracula. This Neil Clark will come after you for tax, or work with the Inquisition, if you dare to disagree with his view of what is good for you. The Soviet Union had Lysenko; no doubt somewhere in Britain there is a defender of 'scientific socialism' who is a practioner of 'alternative medicine'.
Comrade Hawking[edit | edit source]
Comrade Hawking was the result of a long, drunken night between God and Stalin. Comrade Hawking suffered a troublesome childhood; Stalin abused him, told him he knew nothing and would end up in the Gulag. God, however, felt sorry for Hawking, and gave him the knowledge to everything everyone has, does, and ever will, know. The only catch was that he would have to suffer a physical disability, as giving away the secrets to everything needed something in return (Stalin also said he would leave God to have an affair with Chuck Norris if this did not occur; and God did love Stalin's lovely, bristly mustache and his totalitarian tendencies.)
So Comrade Hawking was sent to Earth via the Virgin Comrade Mary, and was born - again - in a market town, deep within Devon. He was instantly placed in a wheelchair and disabled, but God had kept his side of the deal, and so Comrade Hawking knew everything.
Comrade Hawking helped revoutionise everything; he is credited with the invention of tea, Communism, Cuba, and cheese sandwiches. (Comrade Hawking liked his cheese sandwiches.)
In his later years, Comrade Hawking oversaw the construction of the LHC, or the Large-Helicopter-Collider, in Geneva, Hell. It's use was to be a time portal, able to bring back many of history's greats, such as Albert Einstein (so Hawking had somebody almost equally as intelligent as himself to have a chat with), and Stalin, so Hawking could get his own back. The Large-Helicopter-Collider was tested sometime not too long ago, and, just as hoped, two helicopters collided at just the right velocity and orientation, not only to cause a bit of a mess, but to create enough energy to go back in time. Unfortunately, the portal was not open long enough to see what could be done, but Comrade Hawking had seen what could happen with the LHC, and he wrote a world domination plan based on the LHC. (He would need to purchase more helicopters for the secret plans.)
Comrade Hawking now resides in Londongrad, helping his comrades to make cheese sandwiches and giving lectures on the creation of Cuba, and further plans for the Large-Helicopter-Collider.
Soviet England[edit | edit source]
“In Soviet England, Tea drinks YOU!!”
Due to a terrible misclassification, Britain and England have never properly differentiated. Those in Soviet England spend much time believing that the other members of the Great and Glorious Union are happy and content whilst simultaneously attempting to make jokes at them in which the Welsh are normally the butt. However, due to British Reversal, this becomes inpractical.
“In Soviet England, Joke about the Welsh is butt of YOU!!”
And so on and so forth...
This annoyed the glorious English somewhat. Feeling down and depressed, many resorted to drinking copious amounts of the glourious tea. However, as we know from glourious British Reversal, this not that easy. Indeed, as a result of many English being drunk by tea, the population of glourious England was reduced to an abysmally small number, like that of Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. On the other hand, many believe that most of the glourious English moved to the glourious Isle of YOU!!. To this day this glourious mystery has not yet been resolved.
Soviet Scotland[edit | edit source]
“In Soviet Scotland, Och aye the YOU!!”
The Scots of Soviet Scotland are much like those you know. Like the normal breed, they suffer from the delusion that separating Scotland from England with nukes will do them good. The biggest difference is that the Soviet Scots are mortally afraid of haggis, mainly beacause:
“In Soviet Scotland, Haggis prey on Ye!!”
Similar to the English tea crisis, after the British Коммциіѕт revolution, many Scots died after being drunk by whiskey. In the sense that:
“In Soviet Scotland, Whiskey drink You!!”
Many Scots were too drunk from pre-revolution drinking, and thus were incappable of drinking* or caring. Interrestingly, because Scots make Whiskey drunk, many bottles of whiskey have since lost their jobs.
*In your dreams!!!
Soviet Wales[edit | edit source]
“In Soviet Wales, Farmer have sex with EWE!!”
For the majority of the population of Wales (i.e. the sheep), the British Коммциіѕт brought a new and previously unknown level of freedom. The humble proletariat and peasant sheep sudenly found themselves the social equals of their former overlords, the farmers. Of course, they still found themselves occasionally forced in to strange and peverse acts for the farmers pleasure. There have, since, however been allegations of farmers being assaulted by sheep, but these are yet to be comfirmed.
Soviet Ireland[edit | edit source]
“Should I be drinking Vodka or Guinness?”
The Irish hold a special place in the heart of the people of Soviet Britain. Being even more drunken than the Scots. In fact many have not yet realised that the revolution has been and gone. Most have assumed that I am referring to the industrial revolution. Desite that fact that the Irish have a reputation for stupidity. It has been theorised that should the Irish give up their excessive alcohol consumtion, they would actually be highly inteligent, much like Comrade Wilde. As this as likely as Comrade Chuck Norris being eatten by Comrade Grue, it probally won't come to pass. BTW, The inhabitants of Soviet Ireland are immune to hangovers and hence the phrase:
.
Although, maybe because British Reversal is required it should be:
“Bottom o'the morning Comrade You”
.
See also[edit | edit source]
