Politburo
“I like Comrade Yaduma - however you pronounce his name - we've had some amazing nights together”
“This is excellent CAS, I must say”
“Always treat your kite like you treat your comrade”
“It is better to do Commies than homosexuals”
“Did I actually say that?”
“In Soviet Russia, YOU control the Politbu... no, wait...”
“Hello there”
The Politburo is the club where the notorious Soviet leaders were hanging out. The Politburo club allowed the leaders to rule the USSR. Except for having an awesome tool for dictatorial power, the Politburo Club members did some other awesome things as well, like hanging out in the Politburo cantine (where they ate/played with their food) and pulling pranks at random people, like you.
Who are in the Politburo?[edit | edit source]
The members in Politburo are as following:
- General Secretary Yakov Smirnoff is the general secretary of the Politburo and the Soviet Union. He is the mastermind behind the Russian Reversals. General Secretary is sometimes called the Explosive Dynamite Laughter Man. He has really hot legs.
- Captain Darling, the Commissioner of Romantic Relationships and Random Acts of Sadism. Captain Darling is the only female member of the Politburo. It is believed that Darling is Smirnoff's secretary and some more things. Sushi and men dressed up as chickens turn her on, for example the notorious Chicken guy.
- Comrade Yadumayuchotov, Commissioner of Obscene Gestures and Traffic Jams, also holding the responsibility of Shoes and Mustaches within the Politburo. Comrade I'll-think-about-it (literally the meaning of it!) has a secret fetish for shoes and mustaches. Apparently, he was the one who inspired Stalin to shape his famous mustache. It is believed that Yadumayuchotov wanted to become a fashion designer, specifically in the realm of shoes. He and his fellow jolly (aka gay) friends, Kamenev and Zinoviev, are known as the Titanic Trio.
- Comrade Stolichnaya, Commissioner of Information for the People. Our comrade Stolichnaya is not a woman. Stolichnaya is a man - even if there is an "a" at the end of his name. He likes to make... unique sounds when he takes photos of the three above-mentioned members.
- Field Marshal Sodoff of the Politburo Cantine and the Secretive Acts of the Asexual (he's the janitor, well he works extra to clean up the crap that the other members leave in the cafeteria... however he plays an important role in making decisions for the benefit of the proletariat cafeterias of the world!). It is not understood why the janitor is the expert of asexuality, it remains to be investigated!
- Colonel Yogi Berra, the Commissioner of MAD Magazine. Yogi Berra is not only Khrushchev's speech writer and slogan master for the Gulag campaign, but he also enjoys reading MAD as he's sipping some Comrade Cola, a valid means of boycotting the capitalist Coca Cola.
What does the Politburo do?[edit | edit source]
The Politburo does many things, including making important decisions for the proletariat workers and cafeterias in the world. As earlier mentioned, Field Marshal Sodoff of the Politburo Cantine is the expert when it comes to cafeterias. He argues that cafeterias too have feelings and are as equals as the factory workers in the White Sea, zapping to those channels that you want to watch!
Other than making important decisions for the proleteriat workers and cafeterias in the world, they have their free time activities too!
General Secretary Yakov Smirnoff does stand-up comedy during mathematics lessons (well... mostly sit-down comedy since his legs get tired from standing). He believes that this will aid the students to become more interested in mathematics. Up until now, it has failed. Miserably. Captain Darling and Comrade Yadumayuchotov, on the other hand, enjoys to prance about with the Titanic Trio. They have so much in common, those women. They have in-depth debates about Dolce & Gabbana shoes. They have also made an interpretation of Karl Marx and Oscar Wilde's work, "Women, Shoes and Power". Comrade Stolichnaya takes snapshots of women making toilet. Borat was inspired by Comrade Stolichnaya and now does the same. Field Marshal Sodoff of the Politburo Cantine and Acts of Asexuality cleans up the crap that the other members leave behind. Colonel Yogi Berra sips Comrade Cola and reads MAD Magazine as he's coming up with encouraging slogans for the Gulags of Siberia.
What else do they do?[edit | edit source]
Other than what is mentioned in the above section, they also criticise the western bourgeosie and western democracy. The Politburo, in the words of E.H. Carr, "carried the firm rejection of western bourgeosie and western democracy". Thus the October Revolution in 1917 was not about gaining power, but the will of leaving the "grim surroundings" of Siberia for the dream of a Utopia. Evidence shows that the Utopian dream "set the tone for the human and personal side of the revolution" (E.H. Carr). This point can be seen in John Lennon's Imagine, where he sings,
“Imagine all the people living in Greece”