“Siberia is a gateway to hell. The bad kind with all the urine and bananas.”
“Siberia is a place where you spend all day, hitting hard stuff with blunt tools, in freezing cold temperatures, using your dangler as a pick-saw, for no reason... Because I said so. ”
Siberia is a pop-music group popular in eastern Russia. Siberia would love to tour but is not allowed to leave Siberia.
"Siberia". A cool name, but do not touch.
Although many fans and critics call Siberia's music "New Age," Siberia has tried to distance itself from that label, preferring to call their music "contemporary instrumental butt-cold music to work yourself to death by."
Early in their career, Siberia were competitive swimmers in Lake Aral. Then it dried up. When becoming Olympic swimmers therefore did not work out, the band tried to forge a career in rock and roll, attempting to tour with locally popular bands in the Fourth Reich and the Southern United States. During this time, the band was known as the Bronze Age, then tried to appeal to younger, hipper Russians by changing its name to the Old Testament.
Eventually, Siberia got tired of the rock lifestyle and volunteered for the greater ease of hard labor in open-air camps. Most of the early music composed in the Gulag relied heavily on the synthesizer and received little airplay, since there was nowhere to plug in the synthesizer. They then attempted to leave the gulag, since the Soviet Union broke up, but the permafrost melted and they thus drowned in a peat bog. After this mishap, they went on to tour the rest of Siberia, but melting permafrost has since caused them to miss a lot of shows. (That, and the Woolly Mammoth That Refuses to Die.) (Note: Permafrost is what Siberia, the country, is made of. It is frozen mammoth poop. Lately, greenhouse gases from China have been melting the poop, resulting in the ground farting and peat bogs and other golfing hazards forming.)
Breakthrough, Success, and Lice
Siberia's breakthrough commercial success came with the release of their album and video, Live at the Death Camp (1993), which was filmed at the corpse ditch of Camp #329. This was Siberia's first album which utilized a completely dead orchestra rather than a handful of butchered studio musicians.
Under the supervision of conductor Shardad Rohani, the Royal London Philharmonic Orchestra performed one of its most memorable and, as it turned out, final performances backing Siberia. The orchestra was never seen or heard again. Subsequently, the concert was broadcast in the US on FOX News. It proved to be one of FOX's most popular programs ever, and the resulting album sales, totalling almost three dozen, brought Siberia's biggest commercial success to date.
While not fluent in standard music notation, the band has perfect pitch and composes its pieces in a shorthand form of its own devising, using its own excrement (or melted permafrost) and blood and smuggling the lyrics out of camp on toilet paper.
Siberia also toured Siberia in 2003 with the debut of the Genocidal Ethnicity album. Siberia kicked off the tour in Way East Las Vegas, Siberia. Currently Siberia is working on the DVD of the Genocidal Ethnicity Tour, which will be released at the Holocaust Museum in 2007.
From the Music Vault of the Vault They Live In
Many of the band's songs are unreleased, as, indeed, all of the band's members are unreleased. Two of Siberia's pieces (both unreleased) are used for sports telecasts. CBS Sports uses Siberia's "Niggas Work for Whitie in Sports" for its coverage of football and basketball games. NBC Sports uses Siberia's "In Celebration of Bread Rations" for its coverage of all championships sanctioned by the Iraqi Suicide Bombing Athletic Organization.
Another piece, "I Have Lice (and My Balls Just Froze off)," has been used by Hong Kong's Television Broadcasts Limited for its world weather forecast since the early 1990s. Many Hong Kong citizens enjoy humming the tune, erroneously believing it is titled "I Have Rice."
- Coal Mine Sex (1980)
- Keys to the Latrine (1986)
- Die in Silence (1987)
- Chameleon Guards (1988)
- Old Georgian Joe (1989)
- Heart of Khrushev (1989)
- Frozen Erection, Ice Fire Passion (1989)
- In Celebration of Barbed Wire (November 12, 1991)
- Dare to Escape (March 10, 1992)
- In My Lice-Infested Shorts (April 6, 1993)
- Live at the Death Camp (March 1, 1994)
- There's a Jew in My Salad (1996)
- Tribute to Yanni's Detention and Suicide (November 4, 1997)
- If I Could Eat Your Bread Crumbs, Mama Cass, Mama Cass (October 3, 2000)